- Beverly Harris: And he's not the only man like that! They're all cut from the same cloth.Which is why I don't particularly care for men! Frankly, to sleep with a man is to know how much you hate them! By the end of my marriage, the only way I could have sex with my husband was if I stopped off at the store and bought myself a Playboy first!
- [looks shocked at what she just said]
- Darlene Conner-Healy: [after several reaction shots] Well, I think Grandma's just outed herself!
- D.J. Conner: Oh God!
- [covers his face]
- Nana Mary: I've always know it since she's a little girl. She always liked flannel.
- Roseanne Conner: You know what really just fries me? Our whole lives, you make me and Jackie dress up like little baby dolls you know... you you paint our fingernails, tell us to always cross our legs and act like little ladies... you're like "don't ever act too smart cause you might not get a man!" and now here you are sitting there, my right wing, conservative, Republican mother... is a great big old lezbo!
- Leon Carp: [off Bev's reaction; raises glass] Welcome to the club, Bev!
- Scott: [off Bev's reaction; also raises glass] We'll teach you the secret handshake
- Jackie Harris: Have you acted on this? With who? When? How? No don't tell me! Pass the yams!
- Prince Carlos: [With a southern twang- Prince Carlos is plastered] Amongst us royalty, most everyone's gay. We just marry so folks won't hang us!
- Jackie Harris: How're you doing, Darlene?
- Darlene Conner-Healy: Well I have morning sickness, evening sickness, roll down the car window when you drive sickness, my rings don't fit, my shoes don't fit, my clothes don't fit, and if you have time to sit a spell, I'll tell you about my brand new hemorrhoids.
- David Healy: Takes about 10 minutes.
- Beverly Harris: I would like to give thanks that I am not a young child being raised by two very tasteful but nonetheless light in the loafers...
- Roseanne Conner: Mom! Mom! Look around you! Nobody's talking about that anymore!
- Beverly Harris: I just don't think two men should raise a child. I married a man! He was cruel to my children and cheated on me, he had horrible table manners and he made me drive an old car with bald tires! The bastard!
- Roseanne Conner: Mother! Try to save a little something for Christmas!
- Beverly Harris: I brought a Jell-O mold with kiwis.
- Jackie Harris: Mother, we have caterers preparing the food this year.
- Beverly Harris: Did any of them make a Jell-O mold?
- Jackie Harris: No.
- Beverly Harris: Then I guess somebody should say 'thank you mother'!
- Roseanne Conner: Go ahead, Jimmy.
- Caterer: [mocking Bev] Thank you mother!