- D.J. Conner: [confronted about why he has been sneaking off to church] Mom, I wanted to tell you. I just had some questions about God and stuff.
- Roseanne Conner: Well, so why didn't you come to us if you had questions? You know, there's no two better people to answer your questions than me and your Dad.
- D.J. Conner: Okay. What religion are we?
- Roseanne Conner: I have no idea. Dan?
- Dan Conner: Well... my family's Pentecostal on Mom's side, Baptist on my Dad's. Your Mom's Mom was Lutheran and her Dad was Jewish.
- D.J. Conner: So what do we believe?
- Roseanne Conner: Well... we believe in, ah, being good. So basically we're good people.
- Dan Conner: Yeah, but we're not practicing.
- Roseanne Conner: [to D.J.] Where have you been going everyday after school? And remember, God will punish if you lie!
- Dan Conner: Roseanne...
- Roseanne Conner: Hey we got it, we may as well use it.
- D.J. Conner: How come we never say grace?
- Darlene Conner: Because D.J., grace is for those who are thankful.
- [first lines]
- Darlene Conner: [to D.J. at the diner] Hey. How do you keep getting in here? There must be a whole in the screen or something.
- Darlene Conner: [to David about his nose ring] Wow. I still can't believe you got that. You're like the first straight guy I've known with the guts to wear one of those.
- Darlene Conner: [just told her parents that D.J. is attending church] Yeah, I mean, maybe he'll take after your cousin Jesco. Isn't he the one who, uh, sent us the bible with *every* single word highlighted?