- Jackie Harris: What've you got planned for the big event?
- Roseanne Conner: Aww, it's gonna be sooo great. We're going all out this time, you know. Ah, we'll start with a really romantic, prime rib dinner, and everything, because, you know, the twentieth wedding anniversary *is* the red meat and liquor anniversary.
- D.J. Conner: [in the Big and Tall store] Hey Dad, look! I can get this belt around me *three times*!
- Jackie Harris: [about Roseanne's wedding anniversary gift] Still looking. I wanted to be sure I get you something you've always wanted.
- Roseanne Conner: [gasps] Can you get me into the Witness Relocation Program?
- Jackie Harris: [Dan wants to know Jackie's opinion about a shoe rack he bought Roseanne for their twentieth wedding anniversary] She is not going to be expecting this. It's a good present, Dan. Good, good, good, really good...
- [making a face]
- Jackie Harris: It's bad, Dan. Bad present, really bad. You can't...
- Dan Conner: [to D.J. in the Big and Tall store] Why don't you go join those other kids over there playing in that pant leg.
- Dan Conner: [store manager of Maury's Big and Tall tells Dan that the job he is offering will only be 'till June] Perfect, 'cause I'd shoot myself if I had to work here longer than three months.
- Roseanne Conner: [Roseanne can't find her wedding ring] I'm gonna go look in the living room again, and if I don't find it in there, I'm getting D.J. x-rayed.
- Roseanne Conner: [Jackie suggests checking the vacuum bag] The vacuum bag? How in the hell would it get into the vacuum bag!
- Dan Conner: [on the phone with his new boss] Aw, man, no. I can't work Saturday night, it's my anniversary... Well, sure I want to keep it, but... No. I'll be there... No, don't worry, my wife will understand... Uh, just one thing. Could you swing by in a ski mask and drag me off at gunpoint?
- Dan Conner: [after scolding D.J. for being insensitive] So Jim, about our customers, who's like the biggest, fattest guy you've ever seen?