Quotes
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Dan Conner : I can't believe you're jealous over this.
Roseanne : Why not? It's very typical of me.
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Roseanne : I was thinking since you used to be a cop, maybe you know some of the tricks to beat a lie detector.
Jackie Harris : There are *no* tricks, it's a machine, you can't beat a machine.
Roseanne : I think I could beat it.
Jackie Harris : It measures your heart rate, blood pressure, respiratory, things you can't control.
Roseanne : I think I could.
Jackie Harris : The only people who can beat it are people with no conscience: psychos, sickos, pathological liars.
Roseanne : [grins] I *know* I can.
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Mr. Evans : [asking Roseanne about Leon, during a lie-detector test for Rodbells] Have you seen him exhibit any unusual behavior?
Roseanne : Oh. I know what this is all about. You're trying to scrounge up some dirt on Leon just because he's gay! Well, I ought to call the ACLU, because this is totally un-American. And I'm not going to give you any help on your little witch-hunt, no crappy job is worth that!
[pause]
Roseanne : You did know he was gay, didn't ya?
Mr. Evans : No.
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Dan Conner : So don't take it, they can't fire you if you refuse.
Roseanne : Of course they can, Dan, they just wouldn't say that that was why. They'd just say that I was always late or rude to the customers or something like that.
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Dan Conner : Tell you what, next time one of the kids has a problem, I'll send them right to you.
Roseanne : This is a problem I *wanted*.
Dan Conner : DJ! Let's go! What took so long?
D.J. Conner : [holds up jock strap] I have to wear this for gym today but I don't know how to put it on.
Dan Conner : Sounds like a problem.
[beaming at Roseanne]
Dan Conner : You want to take this one?
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Roseanne : Becky! Next time you let your car hog up all the driveway like that, I'm getting it towed to Indianapolis!
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Roseanne : Well, I've decided that she's gonna confide in me if I have to rip it out of her.
