Roseanne (TV Series)

Lies My Father Told Me (1994)

Roseanne Barr: Roseanne Conner

Photos 

Quotes 

• Darlene Conner : [DJ is watching TV; comes up from behind to bother him]  Hey, DJ, haven't seen you since I got home.

  D.J. Conner : Shut up.

  Darlene Conner : Oh. Nice to see you too. School's going really well.

  D.J. Conner : Shut up.

  Darlene Conner : Yeah, the bus ride home was nice, but, uh, unfortunately I was sitting next to this guy who kept singing "lalalalalalalala!"

  D.J. Conner : I'm gonna kill you, Darlene!

  Darlene Conner : Not if I kill you first.

  Roseanne Conner : Oh, you kids. If I had a corpse for every time one of you said that.

  D.J. Conner : She won't shut up. Shut up, shut up, shut up! SHUT - UP!

  Darlene Conner : How ironic. Grandma's strapped to a bed in the looney bin yet DJ walks free.

• Lonnie Anderson : [to Dan, who is drunk and demanding to see his father]  Get out of our house!

  Roseanne Conner : That was really cute, Lonnie, but his ankle's about the size of your chest.

• Darlene Conner : Only in our family can someone be nutcase for twenty years without anyone noticing.

  Roseanne Conner : We notice, Darlene, we're just ignoring you.

• Jackie Harris : [Roseanne learns something about Dan's family that he kept hidden]  Well, maybe he was ashamed.

  Roseanne Conner : Ashamed? He's been married to me for twenty-one years, you'd think he would be numb to shame by now.

  Jackie Harris : I don't know, Roseanne, it is kinda bad. I mean, think about it... his Mom beat our Mom to the loony-bin.

• Bev Harris : Ek-gads, imagine, a child loving his mother. I hope you can *snap* him out of it, Roseanne.

  Roseanne Conner : This is not about Dan loving his Mother. Okay, you can still love your mother even though you know that she is a crazy old *shrew*.

  Bev Harris : Don't think that I can't read between *those* lines, Roseanne.

• Roseanne Conner : I thought it was a good crazy though. Like remember that time that we were all getting ready to go out for ice cream, and she came in with ice cream and they were the exactly flavors we were going to order? I thought she was psychic or something.