- Jackie Harris: What ever happened to the old-fashioned guys who slept with you once, and never bothered to call again?
- Roseanne: You've been through 'em all.
- Darlene: [finds out DJ's skipped school to watch TV and eat chips] Mom and Dad are going to find out about this. Mom monitors the potato chips.
- D.J. Conner: No way, I put them back in the cupboard and before Mom looks in there, I say 'Who ate all the chips?' Mom thinks Dad ate them, Dad thinks Mom ate them and then they get into a huge fight.
- Roseanne: [to Jackie] You ought to give Fred another chance, he's one of the better sleazy one night stands you ever had.
- Darlene: [on the phone with DJ's school after he skipped all week] Hello? Yes, this is Mrs. Conner. Yeah well DJ's been very sick, it's some kind of stomach bug, we all have it. Well I feel like I have to puke right now. No, it's a cordless, you can come along.
- [school hangs up]