- [after subtly getting Darlene and David back together]
- Roseanne Conner: I'm amazing. If I ever get up off this couch, I'll be unstoppable.
- Darlene Conner: Hey Mom, you want to go to a movie with me?
- Roseanne Conner: [sunk down on the couch] Nah... that would mean getting a shower and putting on underwear. Why don't you ask David?
- Roseanne Conner: I don't see any reason why he would reject you, Darlene. Okay, well I do, but he's not as perceptive as me.
- Roseanne Conner: You know you love him. So go in there, take a deep breath, and say all those things to him that you used to say to that Scott Baio poster.
- Jackie Harris: Darlene, go with David. My biggest regret is I lost touch with the guys I dated.
- Roseanne Conner: Doesn't the health department keep them records?
- Roseanne Conner: Man, not only does that O.J. have the best lawyers that money can buy... he's also got the best witnesses that money can buy.