- Roseanne Conner: None of my kids has ever beat me since I became a mother. I am undefeated. And that is in ten different weight classes.
- Dan Conner: We're the tackiest house in the neighborhood.
- Roseanne Conner: Well, this year, I say we go for the national title.
- Beverly Harris: Roseanne, your Christmas decorations outside are appalling. The wise men are supposed to be adoring the baby Jesus, not leering at Mrs. Claus.
- Roseanne Conner: Well of course they're leering at her. She's wearing one of those Bunz outfits.
- Dan Conner: Where'd you hide Becky's present?
- Roseanne Conner: In the cereal.
- Dan Conner: What if she eats it?
- Roseanne Conner: Dan, other people *look* at their food before eating it.