- Todd O'Connor: No problem, just having a heart attack.
- [pounds his chest]
- Todd O'Connor: ... Almost over! Done, done.
- Bob Swerski: Very good. Very nice recovery, now how, how many heart attacks is that for you Todd?
- Todd O'Connor: That makes a bakers dozen for me.
- Carl Wollarski: Jeez, I've on- I've only had six.
- Bob Swerski: Well, something to shoot for Carl.
- Nat X: Rough childhood? You had a rough childhood? I'll tell you about rough childhood. I'll tell you about a boy that was born in Alabama. Father was a sharecropper, mama was a maid for homeless white people. But that didn't bring him down. That did not bring that boy down. Today that boy is in showbusiness, and he's a big star.
- La Toya Jackson: Is that you, Nat?
- Nat X: No, that's not me, that's Slappy White.
- Weekend Update Anchor: Michaelangelo's David was damaged when a man described as deranged broke off part of it's toe with a hammer. The man said, quote: "A woman in a painting told me to do it". Police are questioning the Mona Lisa.
- Pops Henderson: The Nazi's, they're like the clan, but only worse, 'cause the Clan ain't got no submarine.
- Weekend Update Anchor: The Final Exit, the book that instructs its owner on suicide techniques, remains on the bestseller list for seven weeks in a row. One tip: don't try to find this book at the library. People just don't return it.
- Pops Henderson: Now you gotta have some patience, boy. You think this took a long time, you should see how long it took me to cook the Loch Ness Monster. Yeah, you ain't lived 'till you had some grilled Nessie. Hm-hmm!
- Abe Saperstein: He's not going anywhere! If he can help the Trotters win games, I don't care what color he is! Why, he could be green! Or... dark green, or... or lime green. Or... or olive green.