- Weekend Update Anchor: This week, in a secret ceremony in Australia, Michael Jackson was married for the second time. Asked what makes his new bride special, the King of Pop said, quote: She has taught me about the power of imagination. Like imagining that a grown woman is a ten year old boy.
- Wade: So when it comes to drugdealers, I give no quarter. I don't care if your name's Dick or Joe or Lobbert Growney Jr, you just don't do drugs, no excuses!