- Weekend Update Anchor: And now here with an editorial comment is our own Colin Quinn.
- Colin Quinn: [switches to other camera angle] Thanks, Colin. Very funny Update. What am I saying? Always, always funny. I just wanna talk about something I read in the paper yesterday, which is that Martin Scorsese is casting a movie right now called "Gangs of New York", about the Irish gangs at the turn of the century. Hey, Scorsese, thanks for not calling me in for an audition. Yeah, there's nothing I would be right for in a movie about Irish guys... Why don't you call up the ten Italian guys you use in every movie and they could dye their hair red. Guess what, Martin? De Niro's not gonna be around forever. And don't call me now like you're watching this laughing, "Haha, we should call him in, the guy made fun of us on SNL". Now I don't want it, I don't want a pitty job. Besides, I don't need you, I got Lorne Michaels, he's gonna take care of me the rest of my life. Back to you, Colin.
- Customer #2: Hi, uhm, I just bought a Kiddie Castle meal for my son and there isn't a prize in it.
- Nadine: Oh, so, you would like an extra 'Road to El Dorado' figareen?
- Customer #2: No, I don't want an extra 'figareen'; I want the one that wasn't in the Kiddie Castle meal I bought.
- Nadine: Ma'am, it's called a Castle Meal, not a Hastle Meal. You best simma.
- Customer #2: Simma? How 'bout I simma to your manager?
- Nadine: Gladly.
- [grabs microphone]
- Nadine: Curtis! Up heah again, heah, up again, heah! Come on.
- Curtis, Burger Castle Manager: Yep. Yes, can I hep ya, ma'am?
- Customer #2: [Points at Nadine] You can start by firing her.
- Curtis, Burger Castle Manager: Ma'am; who is the 'Queen of Disco'?
- [holds up an album cover]
- Customer #2: Uh, Donna Summer?
- Nadine: Now how do her name appear in a phone book?
- Customer #2: Summer... Donna?
- Curtis, Burger Castle Manager: Stretch it out now, stretch it out.
- Customer #2: Summer... Summer Donna... .
- Curtis, Burger Castle Manager: Loud and clear now!
- Customer #2: Summmer, Donnnna, Summmmer, Donnnna.
- Nadine, Curtis, Burger Castle Manager: Summer down nah, that's right.
- Nadine, Curtis, Burger Castle Manager: Simma down, now!
- Curtis, Burger Castle Manager: Now git, git before I take a whippin' to ya! Go on, now!
- Alex Trebek: Let's just take a look at the board. And the categories are..."Potent Potables", "Foreign Flicks"...
- Alex Trebek: [Taped over the actual category in bold magic marker]
- Alex Trebek: "THINGS TREBEK SUCKS"... WAIT!
- Sean Connery: [Sean Connery starts laughing wildly] Hahahaha Haha, Oh, Oh Dear!
- Alex Trebek: All right...
- Alex Trebek: [Rips it off the board and throws it away]
- Alex Trebek: Let's continue. "Potpurri", "Hot or Cold", "What Ears Do", "Is This a Hat", that's where I name an object, and you tell me whether or not it's a hat. And finally, "Colors that End in 'Urple'". Hillary Swank, you're in the lead, so we'll start with you.
- Hillary Swank: I'm a girl you know.
- Alex Trebek: Let's just go with Foreign Flicks for $800.
- Sean Connery: [buzzes in] Ursula Andress!
- Alex Trebek: What?
- Sean Connery: Ursula Andress, Catherine DeNueve, and Charo Twice!
- Alex Trebek: [Sean Connery has misread it as "Foreign Fucks"] That's FOREIGN FLICKS, Mr. Connery! FOREIGN FLICKS!
- Alex Trebek: Welcome back to Celebrity Jeopardy. I thought we were done with this, but Regis Philbin, that mongrel idiot, decided to do a Celebrity Millionaire, and network competition being what it is, I stand before you a broken and miserable man.
- Alex Trebek: Let's just go to Final Jeopardy. The category is; oh come on, why would they do this? The category is 'Famous Mothers'.
- Sean Connery: Hah, Hah, Hah Hah Hah; My day has come!