- Greg Champlain: Is that a deer tick?
- Muriel Lipschitz: No. That is.
- Greg Champlain: Great, I'm gonna die of Lyme Disease!
- Muriel Lipschitz: Oh, there's lots of ways to die in the country. You could be mangled by farm equipment. Drown in a manure pit. Did ya ever read about a family of six getting murdered on the upper East side? No, it's always in a farmhouse.
- Luke Barton: I'm the foreman around here. Sorry I'm a couple a days late, but this is the busy time of year for my stud service.
- Sara Campbell: I had no idea it was seasonal.
- Frederica Campbell: This is Sara Campbell's house?
- Melanie: Yes, it is. But I must warn you, if you're some sort of obsessed fan that's come here to dedicate your pathetic little life to her service, well, I was here first.
- Frederica Campbell: Oh! You're the wacko who was stalking my mother!
- Melanie: Yeah. She hired me. The lawyer said it'd be cheaper than getting a restraining order, so I'm in!
- [Sara presents the crew with birdhouse replicas of her barn]
- Luke Barton: She built birdhouses for fifty people?
- Frederica Campbell: Yeah, she only sleeps four hours a night. And even then, she's pressing wildflowers under her box-spring.
- Sara Campbell: My life is out of control.
- Luke Barton: How do you figure?
- Sara Campbell: My daughter just flunked out of school again, my kitchen was destroyed by a horny bull, and my producer keeps trying to convince our insurance company that we're covered for stampedes.
- Luke Barton: At least your mother's still here.
- Sara Campbell: Well, that's only cuz I told her you were gonna chop wood in a Speedo. You don't have to do it.
- [Sara attempts to sheer wool from a sheep]
- Luke Barton: You're not doin' it right. Just clamp it between your legs and go fast.
- Sara Campbell: Have you met my ex-husband?
- Sara Campbell: I thought moving to the country was gonna make my life simpler.
- Luke Barton: Life ain't simple, no matter where you live. Although if you lived yours somewhere else, it might make mine a lot simpler.
- Sara Campbell: Melanie, I see you've glued a pine cone to your head again. There's alcohol in what's left of the kitchen.
- Melanie: Will that dissolve the glue?
- Sara Campbell: No. I'd like a drink.
- Sara Campbell: Mom, where are you going?
- Muriel Lipschitz: Luke's pushing Greg's car out of the mud. He's wet. He's muddy. We don't get cable out here.