Xena: Warrior Princess (TV Series)

Been There, Done That (1997)

Ted Raimi: Joxer

Quotes 

• Gabrielle : Xena, it just doesn't make sense. Who do you think?

  Xena : It's not the Fates; it's not Ares; it's not something that I ate. No, I have no poison dart marks. I have no Bacchae bites.

  [Shows her neck] 

  Joxer : Is that a hickey?

  [Both Xena and Gabrielle look away slightly embarrassed] 

• Joxer : Oh! Oh! I know! I know! Wait a minute. What if none if this is really happening, and like we're all in somebody else's head, and they're making us up?

• Joxer : [repeated lines and actions throughout episode] 

  [Joxer opens barn door] 

  Joxer : Rise and shine everyone!

  [comes in barn] 

  Joxer : Rise and shine!

  Gabrielle : [Gabrielle emerges from a stack of hay]  I'll rise, but I refuse to shine!

  Joxer : Well, I got us breakfast.

  [Joxer takes an egg from his helmet he's holding] 

  Joxer : Goose eggs!

• Gabrielle : [Xena hums the funeral song as Joxer's body burns on a floating pyre in the river. Gabrielle looks at Xena]  Xena, I shouldn't have sent him after those goose eggs...

  Xena : [quietly]  Gabrielle, Joxer died a hero, just like he always wanted.

  [pause] 

  Xena : There's no blame here!

  [Gabrielle starts to cry as Xena holds her] 

  Xena : Hey, come here. Maybe we should get some rest, hmm?

  Gabrielle : [cries]  No, I don't think I can...

  Xena : Yeah, sure you can. Come on.

  [pause] 

  Xena : Sleep now. It'll hurt less in the morning...

  Joxer : [Morning; the rooster crows again and Xena wakes up, finding herself and Gabrielle in the same barn as the morning before. Joxer comes in the barn]  Rise and shine, everyone!

  [pause] 

  Joxer : Rise and shine!

  [Xena just stares at him, completely shocked] 

• Xena : Joxer. Joxer? You should be dead!

  Joxer : True! A man like me should have died a thousand times, if not for my prodigious skill and nerves of steel! Yeah.

  Xena : COME HERE, YOU!

  [Xena happily grabs Joxer's head and gives him a noogie] 

  Joxer : Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

• Xena : [to herself while Joxer listens]  Every day, the rooster crows, Joxer walks in, the horseshoe falls, I save the old man, stop a duel and then the whole thing starts all over again...

  Joxer : Maybe it's the rooster.

  [Xena suddenly jerks her head up] 

  Joxer : [Sundown; the rooster clucks. Xena throws her chakramn at the rooster and its feathers fly everywhere] 

• Xena : Gabrielle, did you know that Joxer simply adores you?

  Joxer : Could I speak to you privately?

  Xena : He would crawl 50 miles on broken glass, just to sweat in your shadow.

• Joxer : You know the enemy of my enemy is often considered my friend.

  Xena : [exasperated]  Joxer...

  [pauses and looks at Lycos and Menos] 

  Xena : Go ahead.

  Joxer : [surprised]  Really?

  Xena : Go ahead.

  Joxer : Yeah but you don't eve... I knew this would happen someday, you and me on the same wavelength, two great minds, one thought.

  Gabrielle : Only half a wit.