Xena: Warrior Princess (TV Series)

Looking Death in the Eye (2000)

Ted Raimi: Joxer

Quotes 

• Ramius : This isn't just any scroll...

  [pause] 

  Ramius : No, my friends, I have in my hand, the last known scroll transcribed by the Bard of Poteidaia herself!

  [Joxer suddenly turns around to Ramius; viewers see that he's now an old man] 

  Ramius : It describes, in breathtaking detail, the final adventure of Xena, the legendary Warrior Princess, who dared to defy the Gods!

  Joxer : [Joxer takes the scroll and observes it]  Let's see!

  [he keeps reading] 

  Joxer : This is Gabrielle's handwriting. This is real!

  Ramius : Ah, sure it is!

  Joxer : "Bard of Poteidaia." You know, I - I knew her. You know, she was a friend of mine.

  [pause] 

  Joxer : Xena was my friend too.

  Inebriated Patron : [laughs]  Xena was my housemaid!

  Ramius : Well friend, we'd best cut you off. What say I start the bidding at...

  Inebriated Patron : Ten dinars!

  Patron #2 : Twenty dinars!

  Joxer : Cover your tab!

  Inebriated Patron : You should talk, Joxer, ya deadbeat! Thirty!

  Patron #2 : Thirty-five dinar!

  Joxer : [Joxer tosses a bag full of change on a table]  Sixty-five dinars!

  [pause] 

  Joxer : SOLD!

  [Joxer takes the scroll and leaves the tavern] 

  Ramius : [shocked]  Sixty-five dinars?

• Joxer : [about his name]  That's spelled with an X... The X is for 'extra super sexy'.

• Theon : [Old Joxer sits inside his barn with a scroll. His young son and daughter come running in]  Is that a story about the harpies, Daddy?

  Kara : What is it? What is it?

  Joxer : No. It's, uh, it's, um, well, it's a story about a beautiful warrior princess.

  [looks at his kids] 

  Joxer : Wanna hear a story about a beautiful warrior princess?

  [his kids gather around and nod eagerly] 

  Joxer : Okay. Okay...

  [Joxer clears his throat and then reads the scroll] 

  Joxer : "Her, uh, her celebrations at Thebes in Egypt were cut short because Xena, the mighty warrior princess, fought both night and day for the life of her newborn child as she continued to sing the rage of her Olympian foes.

  [pause] 

  Joxer : Their ceaseless battles finally drove her to the Fates in search of answers...

• Joxer : [Old Joxer continues to read Gabrielle's scroll that revealed Xena's and Gabrielle's fight with Athena and Hades]  "After narrowly escaping with our lives, we took shelter for the night in the company of Octavius, the new leader of the Roman army and a new ally unknown to the Gods."

• Joxer : Ares took them away just before you got here.

• Joxer : [as young Joxer falls to his knees to the wreckage, Octavius rides in with Romans]  Unbelievable.

  Octavius : Where are they? Joxer, good to see you again. Where's Xena and Gabrielle?

  Joxer : Octavius, they're gone. I saw the whole thing but I was too far away. I couldn't help them...

  Octavius : Joxer, they're *not* dead!

  Joxer : [shocked]  What? What?

  [Octavius motions with his hand and a soldier comes over with baby Eve; she's alive and did not die in the crash. Octavius takes her and holds her in front of Joxer] 

  Joxer : Eve. It can't be. Eve?

  Theon : [Old Joxer is then seen again in front of his children]  Dad, how was Eve alive?

  Joxer : Okay, okay. Remember back. What did the Fates tell Xena?

  Kara : That she had to die to save Eve?

  Joxer : That's right. But remember, you can't take what the Fates say literally. They said, "Only..."

  Clotho : [in a flashback with Xena talking to the Fates]  Only in the essence of death will the child find salvation and the Twilight be set in motion.

  Joxer : You see, Xena never intended to kill Death at all. It was Celesta's tears she really needed. The essence of Death... The only thing Xena realized that could simulate the appearance of their deaths to the gods, but only after convincing the gods that Eve had also been killed.

  Theon : But, Eve was in...

  Joxer : Eve was in the wagon.

  Joxer : [flashback to younger Joxer with Octavius]  Eve was in that cart.

  Octavius : No, Joxer.

  Joxer : [flashback with Octavius leaving with Eve. Xena places a false Eve in the basket]  Eve was safe. The tears were collected. Next, release Celesta without it looking suspicious. Gabrielle got captured on purpose. Trying to rescue me made her capture look like it was unplanned. Gabrielle revealed Xena's location. The rest of the plan played out. The gods assumed Xena and her child were inseparable. My guess, my hope, was that Gabrielle drank the tears first. From that point, all they had to do was put on a convincing show. To the gods, Gabrielle was killed in the crash; Eve was dead- consumed in the burning wreckage. And even if they weren't completely convinced, what better way to solve that problem than by Xena taking her own life? The effect of the tears would soon wear off with Xena, Eve, and Gabrielle presumed dead by all of Olympus, the perfect cover. The perfect advantage.