Hogfather (2006 TV Movie)
David Warner: Lord Downey
Quotes
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[Lord Downey is sitting at his desk when he hears a strange noise and realises that he is no longer alone]
Lord Downey : The doors are locked. The windows are barred. The dog does not appear to have woken up. The squeaky floorboards haven't. I really doubt that you are a ghost, and gods generally do not announce themselves so politely. You could, of course, be Death, but I don't believe he bothers with such niceties. Besides, I'm feeling quite well.
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[Lord Downey is reviewing a previous assassination contract that Teatime carried out for him]
Lord Downey : You nailed Sir George's dog to the ceiling.
Teatime : I couldn't have it barking while I was working, sir.
Lord Downey : Some people would have drugged it.
Teatime : [mystified] Oh! But I definitely fulfilled the contract. I checked Sir George's breathing with a mirror, as instructed.
Lord Downey : Apparently his head was several feet from his body at that point.
Teatime : That was all right, wasn't it, sir?
Lord Downey : It lacked... elegance.
Teatime : I thank you, sir. I'm always happy to be corrected. I shall remember that... next time.
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Lord Downey : Mr Teatime, you have actually applied yourself to study of ways of killing Death?
Teatime : Only as a hobby, sir.
Lord Downey : But then some people might say that he is technically immortal.
Teatime : Everyone has a weak point, sir.
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[the Auditors have just commissioned Lord Downey, Master of the Guild of Assassins, to "inhume" the Hogfather]
Lord Downey : He would be difficult to find.
Auditor 1 : You will find persons on any street who can tell you his approximate address.
Lord Downey : Yes, of course, but as you say, they can hardly give a map reference. Even then, how would the... Fat Man be inhumed? A glass of poisoned sherry, perhaps?
Auditor 1 : You misunderstand the nature of employment.
Lord Downey : How do I misunderstand you exactly?
Auditor 1 : We pay. You find the ways and means.
Lord Downey : How can I contact you?
Auditor 1 : [ominously] We will contact you. We know where you are. We know where *everyone* is.