The Office (TV Series)

Drug Testing (2006)

Steve Carell: Michael Scott

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Quotes 

• Michael Scott : [deleted scene]  Drugs are everywhere in our society. They are omniscient. If you look at the amount of pot that was smoked in the United States last year, that would reach the moon.

  Oscar : How?

  Michael Scott : Exactly. I know. It's amazing.

  Oscar : No, how could it reach the moon? Like, would you make it into a rope, or...

  Creed : I have some hemp ropes at my house, they're really strong...

  Michael Scott : Shut... Shut it. No. Just... Just focus on the facts. Cocaine. They use cocaine.

• Michael Scott : [explaining to Dwight why he needs his urine]  I went to an Alicia Keys concert over the weekend. And I think I might have gotten high accidentally by a girl with a lip ring.

• Michael Scott : One thing that you need to remember is that there's no way of knowing who's a user, who's an abuser, because we don't know. It could be anybody. Your instinct is to say it's somebody like Stanley or Oscar...

  Stanley Hudson : Excuse me?

  Michael Scott : No, no! Your instinct. That... Your gut reaction is to say that, but I don't! That's, that's... Those are instincts that have been created by media and hype. And they are wrong. What I am saying is that you just do not know who drug users are. It may be the person you least suspect. It may be somebody hot, like Pam, or it could be somebody matronly, like Phyllis, but just not me.

  Phyllis Lapin : It's not me, either.

  Michael Scott : No? Okay, fine.

  Jan Levinson : [on the phone]  Michael, I'm gonna get going. I really don't think I need to be in this meeting.

  Michael Scott : Okay, well, I really think that...

  [dial tone beeping] 

  Pam Beesley : Has she been on the phone the whole time?

  Michael Scott : Yeah. Sorry you had to hear that. It was a lovers' quarrel.

  Dwight Schrute : Make-up sex. Nice!

  Kevin Malone : Nice.

  Michael Scott : Okay, let's get personal for a second, shall we?

• Michael Scott : [deleted scene]  Okay, well, I made up some fliers for everybody to take on your way out, in case you're ever tempted. So there you go. And, Dwight, you know, I'm very busy today. It wasn't even planning on going to the bathroom, so I don't even know if anything will come out.

  Dwight Schrute : Just drink a lot of water.

  Michael Scott : Well...

  Dwight Schrute : You have to relax your muscles around the bladder.

  Michael Scott : I don't... Let's just not talk about it, okay?