The Office (TV Series)

Drug Testing (2006)

Rainn Wilson: Dwight Schrute

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Quotes 

• Jim Halpert : I'm just saying that you can't be sure that it wasn't you.

  Dwight Schrute : That's ridiculous. Of course it wasn't me.

  Jim Halpert : Marijuana is a memory loss drug, so maybe you just don't remember.

  Dwight Schrute : I would remember.

  Jim Halpert : [pretending to be serious]  Well, how could you if it just erased your memory?

  Dwight Schrute : That's not how it works.

  Jim Halpert : Now, how do you know how it works?

  Dwight Schrute : Knock it off, okay? I'm interviewing you.

  Jim Halpert : No! You said I'd be conducting the interview when I walked in here. Now, exactly how much pot did you smoke?

• [showing Creed the picture of a pile of marijuana] 

  Creed : That is Northern Lights, Cannabis indica.

  Dwight Schrute : [disappointed]  No. It's marijuana.

• Dwight Schrute : [thinking Oscar has once been a potential drug mule]  Have you ever pooped a balloon?

  Oscar : Okay, I'm done with this.

  [Oscar exits] 

  Dwight Schrute : [to the camera]  He sure left in a hurry.

• Dwight Schrute : I want him to have all the urine he needs.

• Jim Halpert : [referring to Dwight's Volunteer Sheriff's uniform]  You look cute today, Dwight.

  Dwight Schrute : Thanks, girl.

• Dwight Schrute : I like the people I work with, generally, with four exceptions. But someone committed a crime, and I did not become a Lackawanna County volunteer sheriff's deputy to make friends. And by the way, I haven't.

• Pam Beesley : [deleted scene]  Last night? Let's see.

  Dwight Schrute : Go ahead. Don't lie.

  Pam Beesley : I won't. It's just that last night is really hard for me to remember because I was just a teensy bit high. Should I have not said that?

  Dwight Schrute : No, no, no. It's okay. Go ahead.

  Pam Beesley : I know that I shouldn't have done it. But I was in the parking lot at the Quick and Easy.

  Dwight Schrute : Oh.

  Pam Beesley : And I took a bong hit from my Bong Water with my pimp.

  Dwight Schrute : Oh.

• Dwight Schrute : I didn't know that you were at a party on Saturday night.

  Ryan Howard : I go to a lot of parties.

  Dwight Schrute : Okay, I'm gonna need to search your car. Give me your keys.

  Ryan Howard : I am not giving you my keys.

  Dwight Schrute : Don't make me do this the hard way.

  Ryan Howard : What's the hard way?

  Dwight Schrute : I go down to the police station on my lunch break. I tell a police officer, I know several, what I suspect you may have in your car. He requests a hearing from a judge and obtains a search warrant. Once he has said warrant, he will drive over here, and make you give him the keys to your car and you will have to obey him.

  Ryan Howard : Yeah, let's do it that way.

• Dwight Schrute : [deleted scene]  People use marijuana to escape. Jim does not have a girlfriend. His sales are nothing to brag about. And he does not belong to any organized clubs. If that were my life, I'd do drugs.

• Dwight Schrute : [deleted scene]  I'm not only hoping to find the culprit who committed this heinous crime, I am praying to find this heinous culprit. And I will pray to Thor himself, if that's what it takes.

• Michael Scott : One thing that you need to remember is that there's no way of knowing who's a user, who's an abuser, because we don't know. It could be anybody. Your instinct is to say it's somebody like Stanley or Oscar...

  Stanley Hudson : Excuse me?

  Michael Scott : No, no! Your instinct. That... Your gut reaction is to say that, but I don't! That's, that's... Those are instincts that have been created by media and hype. And they are wrong. What I am saying is that you just do not know who drug users are. It may be the person you least suspect. It may be somebody hot, like Pam, or it could be somebody matronly, like Phyllis, but just not me.

  Phyllis Lapin : It's not me, either.

  Michael Scott : No? Okay, fine.

  Jan Levinson : [on the phone]  Michael, I'm gonna get going. I really don't think I need to be in this meeting.

  Michael Scott : Okay, well, I really think that...

  [dial tone beeping] 

  Pam Beesley : Has she been on the phone the whole time?

  Michael Scott : Yeah. Sorry you had to hear that. It was a lovers' quarrel.

  Dwight Schrute : Make-up sex. Nice!

  Kevin Malone : Nice.

  Michael Scott : Okay, let's get personal for a second, shall we?

• Michael Scott : [deleted scene]  Okay, well, I made up some fliers for everybody to take on your way out, in case you're ever tempted. So there you go. And, Dwight, you know, I'm very busy today. It wasn't even planning on going to the bathroom, so I don't even know if anything will come out.

  Dwight Schrute : Just drink a lot of water.

  Michael Scott : Well...

  Dwight Schrute : You have to relax your muscles around the bladder.

  Michael Scott : I don't... Let's just not talk about it, okay?

• Man : [deleted scene]  She's got it up now.

  Sheriff Pierce : He'll be up. Okay, sure. I'll get someone down.

  Dwight Schrute : Hey. Hey. Jerry.

  Sheriff Pierce : Thanks.

  Dwight Schrute : Sheriff Pierce? I'm turning in my badge.

  Sheriff Pierce : Where did you get that?

  Dwight Schrute : I got it here.

  Sheriff Pierce : No. No, you didn't. We didn't give you this.

  Dwight Schrute : No, I mean at the gift shop. Also, I can't wear this anymore.

  Sheriff Pierce : You were never supposed to wear this in the first place, Dwight. Come on now, seriously, you got me concerned here a little bit.

  Dwight Schrute : Oh, don't worry. I never abused my power. I only tried to help the Sheriff's Department in any way I could.

  Sheriff Pierce : Right, well... Why don't you give me a couple examples of ways that you've helped us out?

  Dwight Schrute : Oh, God, there are so many. Roadside assistance, breaking up unruly parties, surveillance...

  Sheriff Pierce : Surveillance?

  Dwight Schrute : Crowd control, directing traffic...

  Sheriff Pierce : Mace! You... You've been carrying around weapons-grade Mace?

  Dwight Schrute : I've only had to use it once.

• Kelly Kapoor : And the guys are saying, "Chug! Chug! Chug!" But I'm so small and all I had eaten that day was one of those Auntie Em pretzels from the food court. So I said, "Is it okay if I sip it?" And they said, "No." But Ryan seemed cool either way...

  Dwight Schrute : Stop! This is not "Kelly Kapoor's Story Hour." Illegal drugs were consumed on company property, okay? Your ass is on the line, mister! My ass is on the line! Now, I'm gonna ask you again, what time did you go home last night?

  Kelly Kapoor : 6:00.

• Dwight Schrute : [deleted scene]  The scary thing is, it could have been any one of these people. They all had a motive. To get high.

• Phyllis Lapin : [deleted scene]  He asked if you've been acting withdrawn lately.

  Stanley Hudson : And what did you say?

  Phyllis Lapin : I said no.

  Stanley Hudson : Hmmm.

  Phyllis Lapin : You're welcome.

  Dwight Schrute : Your turn, Stanley.

  [Stanley just takes a drink from his mug] 

  Dwight Schrute : Angela, you're up.

• Kelly Kapoor : [deleted scene]  Oh, sure, I can definitely help you with that. Okay? Please hold.

  Dwight Schrute : Kelly Kapoor. Say your prayers. Let's go. Conference room, pronto. Come on, step it up.

• Dwight Schrute : [deleted scene]  Oh, me? Just one of the gang. Sitting in the back, doodling, not playing attention. Bam! Pow! Surprise! Got you!

  [Note pad reads, "Creed -Shifty eyes / Ryan - Dilated pupils / Kelly - Hyperactive"] 

  Dwight Schrute : There's a Volunteer Sheriff's Deputy in your midst, and he is taking names.

• Dwight Schrute : Let's go over some of the symptoms of marijuana use, shall we? You tell me who this sounds like. Slow moving. Inattentive. Dull. Constantly snacking. Shows a lack of motivation.

  Kevin Malone : Hey.

• Dwight Schrute : Do you know what this is?

  [shows Phyllis a picture] 

  Phyllis Lapin : Yes, it's marijuana.

  Dwight Schrute : How do you know that?

  Phyllis Lapin : It's labeled.

  Dwight Schrute : Dammit!