The Office (TV Series)

Drug Testing (2006)

Brian Baumgartner: Kevin Malone

Quotes 

• Kevin Malone : I'd like a magazine.

  Linda : We just need urine, sir.

  Kevin Malone : I'd still like a magazine.

  Linda : 0

• Michael Scott : One thing that you need to remember is that there's no way of knowing who's a user, who's an abuser, because we don't know. It could be anybody. Your instinct is to say it's somebody like Stanley or Oscar...

  Stanley Hudson : Excuse me?

  Michael Scott : No, no! Your instinct. That... Your gut reaction is to say that, but I don't! That's, that's... Those are instincts that have been created by media and hype. And they are wrong. What I am saying is that you just do not know who drug users are. It may be the person you least suspect. It may be somebody hot, like Pam, or it could be somebody matronly, like Phyllis, but just not me.

  Phyllis Lapin : It's not me, either.

  Michael Scott : No? Okay, fine.

  Jan Levinson : [on the phone]  Michael, I'm gonna get going. I really don't think I need to be in this meeting.

  Michael Scott : Okay, well, I really think that...

  [dial tone beeping] 

  Pam Beesley : Has she been on the phone the whole time?

  Michael Scott : Yeah. Sorry you had to hear that. It was a lovers' quarrel.

  Dwight Schrute : Make-up sex. Nice!

  Kevin Malone : Nice.

  Michael Scott : Okay, let's get personal for a second, shall we?

• Dwight Schrute : Let's go over some of the symptoms of marijuana use, shall we? You tell me who this sounds like. Slow moving. Inattentive. Dull. Constantly snacking. Shows a lack of motivation.

  Kevin Malone : Hey.