The Office (TV Series)

Conflict Resolution (2006)

Steve Carell: Michael Scott

Photos 

Quotes 

• Michael Scott : Here is a Kelly complaint. Ryan never returns my calls. Ah, join the club.

• Michael Scott : Okay. So this is the disputed poster. Now, one at a time, I want you to express your feelings, using "I" emotion language, and no judging or "you" statements.

  Angela : I got this poster for Christmas and I feel I want to see it every day. It makes me feel like the babies are the true artists, and God has a really cute sense of humor.

  Michael Scott : Come on. Seriously, that?

  Oscar : I don't like looking at it. It's creepy and in bad taste, and it's just offensive to me. It makes me think of the horrible, frigid stage mothers who forced the babies into it. It's kitsch. It's the opposite of art. It destroys art, it destroys souls. This is so much more offensive to me than hard core porn.

• Michael Scott : Well, that's not gonna fly here, because in this office, it is till death do us part. Assuming that we don't get downsized.

• Michael Scott : Okay. Ryan, you told Toby that Creed has a distinct old man smell?

  Creed : [to film crew]  I know exactly what he's talking about. I sprout mung beans on a damp paper towel in my desk drawer. Very nutritious, but they smell like death.

• Michael Scott : Cage matches? Yeah, they work. How could they not work? If they didn't work, everybody would still be in the cage.

• Michael Scott : [Reading past complaints that Dwight had made about Jim]  "Every time I typed my name, it said diapers."

  Jim Halpert : [to film crew]  Just a simple macro.

• [a furious Dwight barges into the conference room, interrupting a meeting involving Michael, Stanley and Phyllis. He opens a box containing all the paperwork from his numerous complaints against Jim and rifles through it, becoming angrier by the second] 

  Dwight Schrute : [shouting]  No, no!

  [to Michael] 

  Dwight Schrute : Four years of malfeasance unreported! This cannot stand.

  Michael Scott : Okay, calm down.

  Dwight Schrute : No, you calm down. Whose side is Toby on?

  [yells] 

  Dwight Schrute : Whose side are you on?

  Michael Scott : Hey!

  Dwight Schrute : Him or me? I cannot work with Jim anymore. Either he goes, or I go!

  Michael Scott : Dwight, stop...

  Dwight Schrute : [shouting]  You choose! One of us is out of here by the end of today!

  [He grabs the box and storms out of the room, slamming the door behind him] 

  Michael Scott : ...Okay.

• Angela : You already did me.

  Michael Scott : That's what she said.

• Michael Scott : All right, Kevin, you are accused of making sexually suggestive remarks to Angela that made her feel uncomfortable. Solution: Angela, you are to make sexually suggestive remarks to Kevin that will make him uncomfortable.

  Kevin Malone : I accept your decision.

• Michael Scott : Meredith complains that everyone talks too loud in the morning and the lights are too bright.

• Michael Scott : Creed is sick of looking at the redhead all day and wants a seat facing the receptionist.

• Michael Scott : [reading Dwight's complaint]  "Everyone has called me Dwayne all day. I think Jim Halpert paid them to."

  Jim Halpert : [to film crew]  Yes, five bucks each, and it was totally worth it.

• Michael Scott : [reading Dwight's complaint]  "By the end of the day, my desk was about two feet closer to the copier."

  Jim Halpert : [to film crew]  Yeah, I just moved it an inch every time he went to the bathroom. And that's how I spent my entire day that day.

• Michael Scott : [reading Dwight's complaint]  "Jim Halpert said there was an abandoned infant in the women's room. When I went to save the child, I saw Meredith on the can." Gad!

• Michael Scott : [reading Dwight's complaint]  "This morning I knocked myself in the head with the phone."

  Jim Halpert : [to film crew]  That actually took a while. I had to put more and more nickels into his handset till he got used to the weight. And then I just took 'em all out.