- [Maggie is annoyed at all the girls fawning over Orlando]
- Maggie Jacobs: They're just doing it because you're famous.
- Orlando Bloom: ...Well, they're not doing it *just* 'cause I'm famous... No, it's my looks as well.
- Maggie Jacobs: I just don't think they'd be acting like that if you weren't a film star.
- Orlando Bloom: ...Yeah, they pretty much would. I've always had attention.
- Maggie Jacobs: No, all I'm saying is if you were the prop boy, you'd just get ignored.
- Orlando Bloom: [smirks] What, with this face? I wouldn't get ignored. I'll tell you who *does* get ignored: Johnny Depp. On the set of 'Pirates of the Caribbean,' the birds just walked straight past him - 'get out the bloody way, whoever you are, we wanna get to Orlando.' Around me like flies around shit.
- Maggie Jacobs: [surprised] They ignore Johnny Depp?
- Orlando Bloom: Yeah! They're going 'oh, Orlando, who's that freak over there that we didn't notice?' I'm going, 'it's Johnny Depp!' They're going 'who cares? You were Legolas in Lord of the Rings!'
- [mocking Johnny]
- Orlando Bloom: 'Ooh, look at me, I make art-house movies! Ooh, I've got scissors for hands!' Willy Wonka? Johnny *Wanker.*
- Keith Chegwin: Black people aren't funny.
- Andy Millman: Black people are funny Keith.
- Keith Chegwin: Name one black person that's funny.
- Andy Millman: I can name you loads of black people that are funny... Dave Chappelle, Chris Rock, Eddie Murphy.
- Keith Chegwin: British.
- Andy Millman: [pauses while thinking, after a period of silence, glances at a picture of Lenny Henry on the wall, looks back at Keith] Don't change the rules halfway through.
- Agent: Do it!
- Shaun Williamson: [quoting Andy's character] Are you havin' a laugh? Is he havin' a laugh!
- Agent: [laughs] I don't know how he comes up with it!
- Andy Millman: He didn't come up with it!
- Andy Millman: I'm not sure I'm doing the right thing. This is not the comedy I set out to do - I wanted to write summat... REAL, that people could relate to, and it's all changed, because people have stuck their nose in.
- Agent: Yeah, I'm hearing you, all right. But do you know what? This is typical first-night nerves. I know what you're thinking - you're thinking "oh, the script's not funny, it's lowest common denominator," and - you know - you're right. But don't worry about it! Because people will watch anything, all right? Particularly if it's after EastEnders and they haven't got to change the channel. Those sort of morons will help us win the ratings war. And, uh, you know, ratings in the end are what count. And merchandise.