The Office (TV Series)

Safety Training (2007)

Steve Carell: Michael Scott

Photos 

Quotes 

• Michael Scott : Dwight, you ignorant slut!

• [Michael is on the roof and Dwight is below with a bullhorn] 

  Michael Scott : My life! Oh, my life!

  Dwight Schrute : Michael, what's wrong?

  Michael Scott : Everything's wrong. The stress of my modern office has caused me to go into a depression!

  Dwight Schrute : Depression? Isn't that just a fancy word for feeling "bummed out"?

  Michael Scott : Dwight, you ignorant slut! Depression is a very serious illness. Over 32,000 people commit suicide every year according to a 2004 study.

  Dwight Schrute : Is that the last year the data was available?

  Michael Scott : Yes.

• Michael Scott : Heart disease kills more people than balers.

  Lonny : That's called having a fat butt, Michael.

  Michael Scott : No. No, it's sedentary.

  Lonny : Yeah, yeah, that's fat butt disease. That's what you suffer from? You have fat butt disease, Michael?

  Kelly Kapoor : Excuse me, sea monster, you weigh like a thousand pounds.

  Lonny : Yeah?

  Kelly Kapoor : Yeah.

  Lonny : I bet you'd like to swim with this sea monster, wouldn't you?

  Kelly Kapoor : Ryan!

  Lonny : Dude, please tell your girl to shut up.

  Kelly Kapoor : What?

  Ryan Howard : Kelly, you've insulted the gentleman. Please apologize.

  Kelly Kapoor : Are you kidding me?

• Darryl Philbin : We do safety training every year or after an accident. We've never made it a full year. This particular time, I was reaching for a supply box on the top shelf, when one office worker, who shall remain nameless, kicked the ladder out from under me and yelled...

  [cut to Michael] 

  Michael Scott : [laughing hysterically]  Hey, Darryl, how's it hanging?

• Darryl Philbin : [trying to talk Michael out of jumping off the roof]  Mike, you're a very brave man. I mean, it takes courage just to be you. To get out of bed every single day, knowing full well you got to be you.

  Michael Scott : Do you really mean that?

  Darryl Philbin : I couldn't do it. I ain't that strong and I ain't that brave.

• Michael Scott : [after bouncing a watermelon onto a car by accident]  Whoa, whoa, whoa! Deactivate the car alarm, clean up the mess.

  Dwight Schrute : Okay.

  Michael Scott : Find out whose car that is. If it's Stanley's, call the offices of James P. Albini, see if he handles hate crimes.

• Michael Scott : [during safety training]  Seasonal affective disorder. A depression that includes weight gain, fatigue, irritability, brought on by the low light of winter.

  Darryl Philbin : Thank God we only had a baler to deal with.

  Lonny : Yeah, that dim light is a bitch, ain't it?

• Darryl Philbin : How many people a year do you think get their arms cut off in a baler?

  Michael Scott : Bail 'er? I hardly know her.

  Lonny : Damn it, Michael, pay attention, man.

• Michael Scott : [comparing the warehouses's safety training to theirs]  They used props, they used visual aids and they just made us look like dopes.

  Dwight Schrute : Idiots! God, what are we going to *do*?

  Michael Scott : I don't know. I don't know. Because you know what our killer is?

  Michael Scott : [simultaneously]  Depression.

  Dwight Schrute : [simultaneously]  Wolves.

  Michael Scott : [pause]  Depression.

  Dwight Schrute : Visual aids?

  Michael Scott : Yes.

  Dwight Schrute : A quilt. A depression quilt?

• Michael Scott : Darryl thinks he's such a man because he works in a warehouse. Well, big deal! I worked in a warehouse. Men's Wearhouse. I was a greeter. I'd like to see Darryl greet people. He'd probably make them feel like wimps. Not me, I... "Hello, I'm Michael. Welcome to Men's Wearhouse. We have a special on khaki pants today." This is one example.

• Michael Scott : An office is as safe as the people in it. And sometimes those people can drive you to do crazy things to show the dangers of the office. That's the danger I found myself in today. I saved a life. My own. Am I a hero? I really can't say. But, yes.