- PJ Franklin: Dude, I cannot date him, okay? He is a Cub! All right, that is breaking, like, a ton of unwritten journalism rules.
- Mike: Unwritten rules were meant to be... written.
- Kenny: ...then broken.
- Mike: Written then broken! Thanks, Kenny. I got a little lost there.
- Brendan Dorff: You know, we'd save enough energy to light more than 2.5 million homes if we all just use one of those energy-efficient light bulb things.
- Mike: You mean the six of us?
- Brendan Dorff: No, I meant everyone in America.
- Kenny: I don't know everyone in America.
- Andy: So much for THAT plan.
- Andy: [high voice] "Daddy, how did you meet Mommy?"
- Andy: [low voice] "Well, dear, Mommy was a drunken cast-off."
- Bobby: Yeah, see, she wanted to go home with Uncle Brendo that night, but Daddy was in the right place at the right time.
- PJ Franklin: "Daddy, do you think I can be a drunken cast-off some day?"
- Andy: [low voice] "Dare to dream, sweetie. Good night."
- PJ Franklin: [voiceover] Every job has its own set of ethics. In journalism, your job is to report the facts, just get the story, and above all, don't insert yourself in the story.
- Matt Dougan: I know who you are.
- PJ Franklin: Really?
- Matt Dougan: Yeah. Press conference at spring training, you asked me why I had no control of my fastball.
- PJ Franklin: Sorry. It's gonna come up when you hit six batters in three innings. Flattered you remember, though.
- Matt Dougan: Well, you're hard to miss in a clubhouse.
- PJ Franklin: Thanks. So are you, even though you're wearing the same thing everyone else is.
- Matt Dougan: Well, that's why we're all numbered.
- Matt Dougan: Are you flattering me now? Because, I'd be flattered if you were.
- PJ Franklin: Are you saying you'd be flattered to be flattered by me? That's flattering.
- PJ Franklin: [voiceover] I know I shouldn't insert myself in the story, but... what if that story has striking blue eyes and a jaw line that can slice cheese?
- Mike: Hold it. You're taking your girlfriend to a party where the hottest, richest women in Chicago will be throwing themselves at you?
- Brendan Dorff: What's wrong with that?
- Mike: Dude, you don't bring sand to the beach.
- Kenny: Don't take Mike. Take me. I'm even less threatening.
- Brendan Dorff: Wow. What a sad competition.