- Dwight Schrute: I've seen this kid before. He's one of the kids that sneaks onto my farm and steals my hemp.
- Delivery Kid: Yeah, I know that guy. He's that farmer that grows really crappy weed.
- Jim Halpert: Do you remember what you said to me on my first day of work, just before you walked me over to my desk?
- Pam Beesly: Yeah. "Enjoy this moment, because you're never going to go back to this time before you met your desk mate, Dwight."
- Jim Halpert: And that's when I knew. You?
- Pam Beesly: You came up to my desk, and you said, "This might sound weird, and there's no reason for me to know this, but that mixed-berry yogurt you're about to eat has expired."
- Jim Halpert: That was the moment that you knew you liked me?
- Pam Beesly: Yup.
- Jim Halpert: Wow. Can we make it a different moment?
- Pam Beesly: Nope.
- Kelly Kapoor: [after Michael reads out a memo] That's from Ryan? Does it mention if he's seeing anybody?
- Michael Scott: No, it doesn't. I'll find out tonight.
- Stanley Hudson: Yes, please let us know.
- Michael Scott: I kidnapped a kid.
- Dwight Schrute: You had to. What other choice did you have?
- Michael Scott: I could have paid for the pizza.
- Dwight Schrute: Well, yeah.
- Stanley Hudson: You find anything?
- Kevin Malone: We think it's a straightforward kidnapping.
- Oscar Martinez: Stanley, could you look up accomplices?
- Stanley Hudson: Why can't you guys do it?
- Oscar Martinez: Because we're looking up jail time.
- Andy Bernard: [about Angela] I hear she's single and ready to mingle. I'm thinking about making a play for her. What do you think? Crazy, right?
- Dwight Schrute: I think it's inappropriate to date someone you work with.
- Andy Bernard: Isn't that part of the fun?
- Dwight Schrute: No. I think you should date Kelly.
- Andy Bernard: She works here, too. How is that any different?
- Dwight Schrute: She works in the annex. You're also welcome to date Toby.
- Dwight Schrute: I can make more sales than a computer. In fact, I challenge that website to make more sales than me today.
- Angela Martin: Waste of time.
- Michael Scott: What's that, pipsqueak?
- Angela Martin: Waste of time. The website's going to win.
- Dwight Schrute: You believe a computer can beat me?
- Angela Martin: I don't care, but yes.
- Dwight Schrute: Well, I will prove you wrong.
- Angela Martin: I don't care, and you won't.
- Dwight Schrute: You'll see.
- Angela Martin: I won't be watching, and I won't.
- Andy Bernard: And then I will say something positive like "Kudos," or "Job well done."
- Jim Halpert: Or, "Zip-a-dee-doo-dah!"
- Andy Bernard: I can't tell if he's mocking me.
- Dwight Schrute: Just ignore him.
- Andy Bernard: I can't do that. It's really hard for me to let things go.
- Jim Halpert: I was mocking.
- Andy Bernard: Thank you.
- Dwight Schrute: I just feel like we need something more to acknowledge when I make a sale.
- Andy Bernard: Yes! Like a chime or a bell.
- Jim Halpert: Or a gong.
- Dwight Schrute: [Irate that Kelly is buying from the computer that he is competing with] What're you doing? I am in the fight of my life against this computer and every sale counts!
- Kelly Kapoor: But you get to put the paper in this little shopping cart and then it says 'Thanks for shopping at Dunder Mifflin!'
- Dwight Schrute: Damn it, Kelly, it knows! It knows what you did!
- Darryl Philbin: Who knows?
- Dwight Schrute: [Snatches ream of paper from Darryl and yells at Kelly] Return it! Return it now!
- Darryl Philbin: [Snatches the ream back] Hey! How about instead of yelling at our sweet little Miss Kapoor over five hundred sheets of paper you get back to your desk, start sellin' multiple reams, like a man.
- Dwight Schrute: Y-you don't understand. Okay, if this makes the difference
- [points at the ream of paper]
- Dwight Schrute: I'm gonna tell it that YOU were responsible.
- Darryl Philbin: [with a threatening voice] Who's "it"?
- [after getting instant messages from "the website"]
- Dwight Schrute: It appears that website has become alive. This happens to computers and robots sometimes. Am I scared of a stupid computer? Please, that computer should be scared of me. I have been salesman of the month for 13 out of the last 12 months. You heard me right. I did so well last February that corporate gave me two plaques in lieu of a pay raise.
- Jim Halpert: [about the delivery kid being held against his will] You need to let him go.
- Michael Scott: Let go our little jerk boy before he has learned his lesson?
- Jim Halpert: Yes.
- Michael Scott: You know what, Jim? The world would be a better place if people were held accountable for their actions.
- Jim Halpert: Yes, but not by kidnapping.
- Michael Scott: I'm not kidnapping him, I'm keeping him until I get what I want.
- Jim Halpert: As a hostage.
- Michael Scott: I think you're overthinking it.
- Jim Halpert: I think you're underthinking it.
- Pam Beesly: Dwight mercy-killed Angela's cat. It's very complicated. It's caused a lot of unpleasantness between Dwight and Angela, who are both already prone to unpleasantness.
- Angela Martin: [to Phyllis about misspelling launch on the party sign] It is awful. You've made this day awful.
- Kevin Malone: Maybe you could just change the U into an A.
- Michael Scott: [speaking in a hushed voice as he approaches the sign] Oh, lunch party.
- Angela Martin: It's supposed to say launch!
- Michael Scott: Okay! Wow! Easy booster seat. Nobody cares about this party anyway.
- Angela Martin: I care!
- Michael Scott: [On the phone] Yes, is Alfredo there? Can I speak to a manager, then? Ok, can you tell the manager that I'm keeping his delivery kid until I get my discount on the eight pizzas I ordered? Yes, I know it is not on the coupon. Also, I would like him to throw in two, three pizzas, uhm, just for our...
- Jim Halpert: [to MIchael] Ransom.
- Michael Scott: ...Trouble. Ok. Alright.
- [Hangs up the phone]
- Jim Halpert: What did he say?
- Michael Scott: He said no.
- Dwight Schrute: I am not a bad person. When I left Staples, I took some of their leads with me but I never intended to use them. What did I intend to do with them? Who knows? Maybe keep them as a souvenir. Maybe use them.
- Michael Scott: Well, the website is the brainchild of my brainchild, Ryan. It is my brain-grandchild.
- Angela Martin: Hey, do you know any men that you can fix me up with? I would like to have a relationship with a man.
- Pam Beesly: Um, I'll get back to you.
- Angela Martin: Let me know.
- [Dwight suspects the new website has become self-aware through instant messages Pam is sending]
- Dwight Schrute: [typing] How do I know this isn't Jim?
- Pam Beesly: [typing] What is a Jim?
- Angela Martin: "Plan a party Angela, oh, and the entire world will see it; oh, and here's 65 dollars for your budget; oh, and here are four idiots who'll do nothing but let you down; oh, and your cat's still dead".
- Jim Halpert: [referring to the DVD screensaver in the conference room] There's this cube on the screen. It bounces around all day, and sometimes it looks like it's heading right into the corner of the screen, and at the last minute it hits a wall and bounces away... and we are all just dying to see it go right into the corner. Pam claims that she saw it one day when she was alone in the conference room... okay. I believe she *thinks* she saw it.
- Pam Beesly: I saw it! I saw it, and it was amazing! Who said I didn't see it? Did Jim say that I didn't see it? I SAW IT!
- Kevin Malone: [Angela and Phyllis are hanging up a banner for the Launch Party] Isn't 7:00 p.m. a little late for a lunch party?
- Angela Martin: [to Phyllis] Lunch party? It's supposed to say "Launch Party." What is wrong with you?
- Phyllis Lapin: [cuts to confessional] Angela is worse than usual lately, and we have a party to throw, so I googled, "How to deal with difficult people." And I got all of this.
- [she holds up a few sheets of paper with information]
- Phyllis Lapin: So we're gonna try out some new things today.
- Phyllis Lapin: [it cuts back to the office] So, how do you feel about the fact that the banner says "Lunch"?
- Angela Martin: I feel angry. Angry at you. Angry at you for doing something stupid. Angry at me for believing you could do something not stupid.
- Phyllis Lapin: [Phyllis looks down at the sheets of paper] I'm so sorry to hear that. That must be awful.
- Angela Martin: It is awful. You've made this day awful.
- Kevin Malone: Maybe you could just change the U into an A.
- Angela Martin: Then it would say "Lanch Party," Kevin. Would it really be better if it said "Lanch Party"?
- Andy Bernard: They say you should never mix buisness with pleasure. Really? Well, then explain to me how a putt-putt golf company operates.
- Michael Scott: Are you ready to give me my discount now?
- Delivery Kid: No.
- Michael Scott: Ok, what have you been doing in here this whole time?
- Delivery Kid: What kind of business is this?
- Dwight Schrute: We're a paper company. The best paper company in the whole wide world.
- Michael Scott: Alright, Dwight, knock it off.
- [to the delivery kid]
- Michael Scott: You better think about what you're doing, young man.
- Delivery Kid: You better think about what you're doing.
- Michael Scott: No! I'm an adult, I don't have to think or do anything. You're a kid, you're a little snot-nosed, punk kid who thinks he's better than everybody else. Because he's some hot shot, and you don't know anything about sales. So stop being a disrespectful little jerk.
- Delivery Kid: Sales?
- Michael Scott: Yes, sales, you sell pizza, last time I checked that's called sales.
- Delivery Kid: You're such a loser.
- Dwight Schrute: What did you just call him?
- Delivery Kid: A loser.
- Dwight Schrute: What did you say?
- Delivery Kid: A loser.
- Ryan Howard: And now, from my old hometown, Scranton, Pennsylvania, my former boss, Michael Scott.
- Michael Scott: [Satellite camera switches to Michael at the Scranton office branch] Hey, I think you should know that one of my salesmen beat your stupid computer. So take that, -bleep- !
- Ryan Howard: [laughs and smiles embarrassingly] Always a jokester.