"The Office" Branch Wars (TV Episode 2007) Poster

(TV Series)

(2007)

Steve Carell: Michael Scott

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Quotes 

  • Jim Halpert : [in the car, talking to Dwight and Michael over the walkie talkie, he sees Karen nearby]  Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Karen's back.

    Dwight Schrute : Is it Karen?

    Michael Scott : Take her to a motel. Make love to her, Jim.

    Jim Halpert : No. I'm not doing that.

    Michael Scott : Just say you want to get back together.

    Jim Halpert : No. I'm not doing that.

    Michael Scott : It doesn't have to mean anything. Just do it for Stanley. Come on, Jim. Just climb on top of her and think about Stanley. Oh, God.

    [groaning] 

  • Michael Scott : How can I get you to stay?

    Stanley : Money.

    Michael Scott : Yeah. We all want money. But there is none in the budget. So, tell me why you're really leaving.

    Stanley : Money.

    Michael Scott : Mo' money, mo' problems, Stanley. You of all people should know that. Let me ask you this, if I were...

    Stanley : Money.

  • [Jim, Michael and Dwight are in the car driving to Utica, Jim and Michael hear a strange noise] 

    Michael Scott : What is that?

    [looks around] 

    Michael Scott : Dwight, are you peeing?

    Dwight Schrute : I'm peeing in this empty can.

    Jim Halpert : Oh, my God.

    Michael Scott : Oh, come on, man. That is disgusting, Dwight!

    Dwight Schrute : You said we couldn't make any more stops. I really had to go.

    Michael Scott : Oh, God!

    Jim Halpert : Michael, watch the road!

    Dwight Schrute : Hey, you're making me spray!

    Michael Scott : I'm going to kill you, man!

    Jim Halpert : Michael, Michael, pull over!

    Michael Scott : That is just so disgusting.

    Dwight Schrute : I think I cut my penis on the lid.

  • Michael Scott : Why is she trying to take Stanley from us?

    Stanley : I think it's because of my sales record.

    Michael Scott : That could not possibly be it.

  • [Michael and Dwight updating Jim over the walkie-talkie] 

    Michael Scott : There's a guy. There's a guy.

    Dwight Schrute : There's a security guard coming by. Hello. We're warehouse workers. Would you like more proof?

    [Jim looks at the camera] 

    Security Guard : Okay.

    Michael Scott : Oh, my God. That was very close.

    Dwight Schrute : I can see the security guard's eyes.

    Jim Halpert : No. No. Don't do anything to them.

    Dwight Schrute : I have to do something to his eyes.

  • [Jim talking to Michael and Dwight over the walkie-talkie] 

    Jim Halpert : All right, Great Scott, if you found that choking hazard poster, just head on home.

    Michael Scott : [over walkie]  We've got something far better, their crown jewel. Their industrial copier.

    Jim Halpert : Isn't that thing huge?

    Dwight Schrute : It's enormous, but it's got wheels. We're wheeling it down the hall into the stairwell. Get the car ready, keep the engine running.

    Jim Halpert : No. That is a terrible idea. Don't do this.

    [Michael screams over the walkie as there is loud crashing heard, too] 

    Michael Scott : [groaning]  My hip bone! We're wedged between the copier and the railing! I'm stuck. Oh, my left hip!

    Dwight Schrute : Leave us, Jim! Leave us. Save yourself.

    Michael Scott : Help us. No! Don't leave us. We need help, Jim!

    Jim Halpert : Okay, first of all, stop using my name. And second of all...

    Michael Scott : You've got to move out!

    Jim Halpert : Damn it, guys!

    Michael Scott : [to Dwight]  Would you move over just a little bit?

    Dwight Schrute : I'm losing control of my bladder!

  • Michael Scott : So, why did you and Karen break up? Was it the sex?

    Jim Halpert : What?

    Michael Scott : I can't imagine the sex being bad. I mean, her body is awesome.

    Jim Halpert : Okay, you know what? Why don't we play that alphabet game you were talking about?

  • Michael Scott : [over the walkie-talkie]  We are in the stairwell.

    Dwight Schrute : We are climbing some stairs. I am breathing heavily.

    Jim Halpert : Okay, you know what? You really don't need to be updating me as much as you're updating me.

  • Pam Beesly : I have Ben Nugent on the line, he's the top salesman in Utica.

    Michael Scott : Hi, Ben, Michael Scott.

    Additional : Hi, Michael.

    Michael Scott : I'm gonna cut right to the chase here, do you like magic?

    [pause] 

    Michael Scott : Because I'm a genie in a bottle and I am going to grant you three wishes: to move to Scranton, to have a great job, and to be my best friend.

    Additional : Aren't you the guy that hit the woman with you car?

    Pam Beesly : [Giggles] 

    Michael Scott : [to Pam]  Get out.

    [She leaves] 

    Michael Scott : Uh, I... yeah, I also saved her life, but I guess that's not as grabby.

    Additional : Uh, everyone says the Scranton branch is worse than Camden. Didn't everyone from Stamford quit, like immediately?

    Michael Scott : No, I fired them, and yo're next.

    [Long pause] 

    Michael Scott : So what do you say?

    Additional : Seriously?

  • Michael Scott : You cannot take the hilarious black guy from the office. Stanley is part of what makes this branch so extraordinary. The bluesy wisdom, the sassy remarks, the crossword puzzles, the smile, those big, watery, red eyes. I don't know how George Bush did it when Colin Powell left.

  • Karen Filippelli : Let me ask you, did you accomplish what you wanted?

    Dwight Schrute : Listen, lady, you can expect these kind of repercussions as long as you keep trying to poach our people.

    Karen Filippelli : I'm taking Stanley.

    Dwight Schrute : Then we will burn Utica to the ground!

    Jim Halpert : Dwight...

    Michael Scott : [Clears his throat after a long pause]  Dwight. Granted, maybe this was not the best idea, but at least we care enough about our employees that we are willing to fight for them. And if you so much as hurt a hair on Stanley's head, we will burn Utica to the ground.

  • [Deleted scene. Jim, Karen, Rolando, and a security guard stand in the stairwell as Michael and Dwight are wedged in between the wall and the copier] 

    Security Guard : They sprayed me in the eye.

    Dwight Schrute : [groaning]  Scranton rules!

    [Dwight sprays more Silly String off] 

    Michael Scott : Stop! Stop it! Can you help me, please? I'm being crushed.

    [Jim looks at the camera] 

  • Dwight Schrute , Michael Scott : [chanting]  Utica! Utica! Utica!

See also

Release Dates | Official Sites | Company Credits | Filming & Production | Technical Specs


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