The Office (TV Series)

Branch Wars (2007)

Rainn Wilson: Dwight Schrute

Photos 

Quotes 

• Jim Halpert : [in the car, talking to Dwight and Michael over the walkie talkie, he sees Karen nearby]  Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Karen's back.

  Dwight Schrute : Is it Karen?

  Michael Scott : Take her to a motel. Make love to her, Jim.

  Jim Halpert : No. I'm not doing that.

  Michael Scott : Just say you want to get back together.

  Jim Halpert : No. I'm not doing that.

  Michael Scott : It doesn't have to mean anything. Just do it for Stanley. Come on, Jim. Just climb on top of her and think about Stanley. Oh, God.

  [groaning] 

• [Jim, Michael and Dwight are in the car driving to Utica, Jim and Michael hear a strange noise] 

  Michael Scott : What is that?

  [looks around] 

  Michael Scott : Dwight, are you peeing?

  Dwight Schrute : I'm peeing in this empty can.

  Jim Halpert : Oh, my God.

  Michael Scott : Oh, come on, man. That is disgusting, Dwight!

  Dwight Schrute : You said we couldn't make any more stops. I really had to go.

  Michael Scott : Oh, God!

  Jim Halpert : Michael, watch the road!

  Dwight Schrute : Hey, you're making me spray!

  Michael Scott : I'm going to kill you, man!

  Jim Halpert : Michael, Michael, pull over!

  Michael Scott : That is just so disgusting.

  Dwight Schrute : I think I cut my penis on the lid.

• [Michael and Dwight updating Jim over the walkie-talkie] 

  Michael Scott : There's a guy. There's a guy.

  Dwight Schrute : There's a security guard coming by. Hello. We're warehouse workers. Would you like more proof?

  [Jim looks at the camera] 

  Security Guard : Okay.

  Michael Scott : Oh, my God. That was very close.

  Dwight Schrute : I can see the security guard's eyes.

  Jim Halpert : No. No. Don't do anything to them.

  Dwight Schrute : I have to do something to his eyes.

• [Jim talking to Michael and Dwight over the walkie-talkie] 

  Jim Halpert : All right, Great Scott, if you found that choking hazard poster, just head on home.

  Michael Scott : [over walkie]  We've got something far better, their crown jewel. Their industrial copier.

  Jim Halpert : Isn't that thing huge?

  Dwight Schrute : It's enormous, but it's got wheels. We're wheeling it down the hall into the stairwell. Get the car ready, keep the engine running.

  Jim Halpert : No. That is a terrible idea. Don't do this.

  [Michael screams over the walkie as there is loud crashing heard, too] 

  Michael Scott : [groaning]  My hip bone! We're wedged between the copier and the railing! I'm stuck. Oh, my left hip!

  Dwight Schrute : Leave us, Jim! Leave us. Save yourself.

  Michael Scott : Help us. No! Don't leave us. We need help, Jim!

  Jim Halpert : Okay, first of all, stop using my name. And second of all...

  Michael Scott : You've got to move out!

  Jim Halpert : Damn it, guys!

  Michael Scott : [to Dwight]  Would you move over just a little bit?

  Dwight Schrute : I'm losing control of my bladder!

• Dwight Schrute : And if we have to defend ourselves, I will stab the security guard in the eye with a jumbo chalk.

  Jim Halpert : No. No, you won't do that. Nope.

  Dwight Schrute : Then I'll grind up the jumbo chalk and blow it in his eyes.

  Jim Halpert : Dwight, nothing with the eyes. Please?

• Michael Scott : [over the walkie-talkie]  We are in the stairwell.

  Dwight Schrute : We are climbing some stairs. I am breathing heavily.

  Jim Halpert : Okay, you know what? You really don't need to be updating me as much as you're updating me.

• Karen Filippelli : Let me ask you, did you accomplish what you wanted?

  Dwight Schrute : Listen, lady, you can expect these kind of repercussions as long as you keep trying to poach our people.

  Karen Filippelli : I'm taking Stanley.

  Dwight Schrute : Then we will burn Utica to the ground!

  Jim Halpert : Dwight...

  Michael Scott : [Clears his throat after a long pause]  Dwight. Granted, maybe this was not the best idea, but at least we care enough about our employees that we are willing to fight for them. And if you so much as hurt a hair on Stanley's head, we will burn Utica to the ground.

• Dwight Schrute : The eyes are the groin of the head.

• [Deleted scene. Jim, Karen, Rolando, and a security guard stand in the stairwell as Michael and Dwight are wedged in between the wall and the copier] 

  Security Guard : They sprayed me in the eye.

  Dwight Schrute : [groaning]  Scranton rules!

  [Dwight sprays more Silly String off] 

  Michael Scott : Stop! Stop it! Can you help me, please? I'm being crushed.

  [Jim looks at the camera] 

• Dwight Schrute , Michael Scott : [chanting]  Utica! Utica! Utica!