- Michael Scott: You expect to get screwed by your company, but you never expect to get screwed by your girlfriend.
- Jan Levinson: Remember, it's not just a pattern; it's a pattern of disrespect and inappropriate behaviors.
- Michael Scott: Dis ray. My friend Dis Ray got new specs. Dis ray spect. My friend Inappro drives a Prius with his behind neighbor.
- Jan Levinson: ...Does this work for you?
- Kelly Kapoor: I don't talk trash; I talk smack. They're totally different. Trash talk is all hypothetical, like, "Your mama's so fat, she could eat the Internet." But smack talk is happening, like, right now. Like, "You're ugly and I know it for a fact 'cause I got the evidence right there."
- Diane Kelly: It's admirable, the way you defend a woman who is so obviously ambivalent about her relationship with you.
- Michael Scott: Thank you very much. You didn't have to say that.
- Diane Kelly: Considering she consistently gave you such poor performance reviews.
- Michael Scott: That was before our relationship. She was going through a divorce, and she was drinking a lot.
- Diane Kelly: Okay.
- [Jan looks shocked]
- Michael Scott: ...Of water.
- Michael Scott: Hey, Snyder, real quick. What do you call a butt load of lawyers driving off a cliff?
- Lester Snyder: A good start. And I think it's busload.
- Michael Scott: Yeah, a bunch of rich lawyers took the bus.
- [to Jan]
- Michael Scott: Where did you find this guy?
- Lester Snyder: How long have you known Ms. Levinson?
- Michael Scott: 6 years and 2 months.
- Lester Snyder: And you were directly under her the entire time?
- Michael Scott: That's what she said.
- Lester Snyder: Excuse me?
- Michael Scott: That's what she said.
- Lester Snyder: Ms. Levinson told you that she was your direct superior?
- Pam Beesley: Kelly's trash-talking me because Darryl's beating you.
- Jim Halpert: What? Seriously? What is she saying?
- Kelly Kapoor: [looking back] Your boyfriend is so weak, he needs steroids just to watch baseball. Jim couldn't hit a ping-pong ball if it was the size of the moon. Were Jim's parents first cousins that were also bad at ping-pong?
- Lester Snyder: Did Ms. Levinson ever say why she thought she was being fired?
- Michael Scott: She thought it had to do with the twins. That's what I call them.
- Lester Snyder: Can you be more specific? Who are the twins?
- Michael Scott: Um, to be delicate, they hang off M'lady's chest. They make milk.
- Lester Snyder: You don't need to go any further.
- Jan Levinson: All right, I stole your diary and gave it to my lawyer. You emailed a topless photo of me to everyone in our company. Let's call it even.
- Michael Scott: Fine. I love you.
- Jan Levinson: I love you too.