- Himself - Host: I know why you're excited; it's Donald Trump's birthday, and they had a big...
- [boos]
- Himself - Host: They had a big party; cake, singing, candles, and then they played their favorite game, "Pin the Blame on the Mexicans", and, um...
- [laughter]
- Himself - Host: 73. 73, he is. And, remarkable after all these years, still a natural blond.
- [laughter]
- Himself - Host: I... 73, and this week, went after Biden on age.
- [laughter]
- Himself - Host: He said "Biden looks different than he used to," you know, implying Biden has had work done. Uh, and let me tell you something, with 23 candidates in the Democratic race, last thing the Democrats need is a new face.
- Himself - Host: The president did not get, uh, good poll numbers for his birthday; it's kind of tanking there. It may explain why they're moving up the war in Iran. Have you seen that? Yeah, two oil tankers were attacked in the Gulf, and Donald Trump said he is "ready to point names and blame fingers."
- [laughter]
- Himself - Host: There was...
- [snickering]
- Himself - Host: There's a grainy video of a small boat that is doing something near the... near the tanker, and Trump says "This proves it had to be Iran. Who else has that technology, a small boat?"
- [laughter]
- Himself - Host: Trump said "Do I have to spell it out, because you know I can't do that."
- Himself - Host: There is no way Iran is going to escape Donald Trump's wrath, unless they write "a beautiful letter."
- [laughter]
- Himself - Host: That's how you do it, right? If the... if the Supreme Ayatollah wrote a letter that said "I thought I was supreme, but when I saw you, Donald Trump"...
- [laughter]
- Himself - Host: It-it is a little murky who attacked who, what happened. We first said it was a mine, uh... but then the tanker's crew said it was a flying object, so that rules out a Boeing 737. Um...
- [laughter and applause]
- Himself - Host: And... and-and we... we've ruled out Saudi Arabia 'cause it wasn't stabbed to death, so we don't know what happened exactly.
- Himself - Host: In other news, the President of the United States, who, for the past two years has been screaming "No collusion" every fucking second he can, like "Good morning. No collusion", "Good night. No collusion", went on George Stephanopoulos' show and said "You know what? Fuck it, collusion."
- [laughter]
- Himself - Host: "Yeah. Now I'm..." It's like Gwen Stefani saying "You know what? I am a hollaback girl."
- Himself - Host: Trump said he accepted help from a foreign country to get dirt on his opponent, and he would take it again. And-and he wouldn't call the FBI. And Democrats were so shocked, they almost took a stand on impeachment.
- [laughter]
- Himself - Host: George Stephanopoulos was pretty shocked. He said "I have never witnessed a bigger stain in the Oval Office, and I worked for Clinton."
- [laughter]
- Himself - Host: Now, of course, the Republican reaction was swift and severe. I'm joking, of course. They can always give a fuck. I loved it, you know, all they cared about wasn't that Trump admitted to treason and to being a criminal; that's old news. They were upset that he broke the first rule of Fascist Club; he went outside of Fox News. Laura... Laura Ingraham said "Why did anyone put Trump in that situation?"
- [laughter]
- Himself - Host: I-It's an interview with the president, not-not putting a baby on a horse.
- Himself - Host: And, of course, you know, Trump has many types of lies. Today came the one I hate the most, the ridiculous insulting walkback lie that he tells when he says something ridiculous and the next day, the "pulling this out of my ass, barely bothering to make sense, 'fuck you'" lie. He was on "Fox & Friends" doing this for almost an hour. To get off the phone, they had to pretend there was someone at the door.
- [laughter]
- Himself - Host: They... they don't care. They-they don't care about any of this. Trump's attitude about subpoenas is "I don't do subpoenas." They got a picture of him the other day walking up to Air Force One, the steps, he had a subpoena stuck to the bottom of his shoe.
- [laughter]
- Himself - Host: But... but thank you all for putting on a brave face tonight. I... I know you must be upset because, I'm sure you've heard, Sarah Huckabee Sanders...
- [cheers]
- Himself - Host: ...who re-invented the-the job of press secretary, by not doing it...
- [laughter]
- Himself - Host: Uh, Sarah says she is stepping down. But of course, that's her, so who knows?
- [laughter]
- Himself - Host: But... but you know... but, you know, when one door closes, another one opens. Trump actually said she should run for the Governor of Arkansas, so maybe it's that. She's also launching a-a new social media platform, Resting Bitch-Face Book. I don't know if you know...
- [laughter]
- Himself - Host: And she's taken a position on the board at Burger King, because...
- [laughter]
- Himself - Host: Because who has more experience with whoppers? Oh, you're way ahead of me on that.
- Himself - Host: New rule: not every movie set in the future has to be either a super-clean utopia or a smoldering post-apocalypse. Isn't there something in between? It's always either "The Earth is a giant Apple Store" or "Burning Man got way out of control."
- [laughter]
- Himself - Host: New rule: if you have to install a soundproof booth in your hipster workplace so employees can have a little privacy, maybe it's time to consider the hot new concept for the office called rooms.
- [laughter]
- Himself - Host: Seen here in an artist's conception.
- [laughter]
- Himself - Host: Yes, every employee gets their own "room" with a "door", that closes so they don't have to listen to Sheryl talk about her boyfriend all day. True, there's less interaction with other people, but on the bright side... wait, that is the bright side.
- Himself - Host: New rule: now that Georgia has all but outlawed abortion, they'd better prepare themselves for more of what happened this week; a newborn was saved after someone abandoned the child in the woods in a plastic grocery bag. Now, we here in California would never stand for such a thing. A plastic bag?
- [laughter]
- Himself - Host: New rule: the makers... the makers of "Make Your Own Dildo"...
- [laughter]
- Himself - Host: A real thing... a do-it-yourself molding kit that allows you to create a rubber copy of any penis, need to tell us why the guy on their box looks like he's proposing with it.
- [laughter]
- Himself - Host: And what exactly is she supposed to say? "Your dick without you attached to the end of it? Yes! Yes! A hundred times, yes!"
- [laughter]
- Himself - Host: New rule: Augustin Alanis, the 30 year old Florida man who has seen the movie "Avengers: Endgame" 114 times must not tell me how it ends. Or begins. What happens in the middle, because I don't give a shit. But I do have a spoiler alert for you, Augustin Alanis: you die alone.
- Himself - Host: And finally, new rule: let's use Father's Day to ask Republicans how the "daddy party" went from these guys...
- [pictures of Teddy Roosevelt, Dwight Eisenhower, and George H.W. Bush are shown]
- Himself - Host: ...to this guy.
- [a picture of Trump in a bathrobe lying on his bed is shown]
- Himself - Host: Yes, Sunday is Father's Day, and it reminded me that political wonks and pundits have always referred to Republicans as "the daddy party". Democrats, they were the mommy party; the nurturers, the caretakers, the compassionate ones. Democrats worried about your healthcare and education, and Republicans were all about security and fiscal responsibility. And they used to take their role very seriously; the "no-nonsense, keep you safe, pay the bills" party. But Republicans really aren't the daddy party anymore; they're more like the "absentee father" party.
- [laughter and applause]
- Himself - Host: Going through a midlife crisis, making bad decisions with all this pretend confidence, like the entire party's wearing a toupee.
- [laughter]
- Himself - Host: Under Trump, they've become the "deadbeat dad" party. The dad who spends money we don't have, and who blows the family budget on stupid shit, like a wall we don't need.
- [applause]
- Himself - Host: This dad hangs out with the wrong crowd, alienates the neighbors; Canada and Mexico? We used to get along great with them, and now they bring the kids inside when they see us coming.
- [laughter]
- Himself - Host: And what kind of dad doesn't keep up with routine repairs? You know you're a president who's let the place go when your wife has had more work done than the roads and the bridges.
- Himself - Host: And this is not a personal attack on Trump as an actual father; he clearly has a supportive, loving relationship with one-fifth of his children.
- [laughter as a picture of Trump with his daughter Ivanka is shown]
- Himself - Host: But... but someone has to explain to me why, at Trump rallies, it is a common refrain to hear that Trump is the strict dad America needs. They really do see him as a father figure. You know, a strong but quiet, strict but fair man who gets up in the morning, puts on two pounds of concealer...
- [laughter]
- Himself - Host: ...inflates his hair, and spends the day tweeting like a mean girl.
- [laughter]
- Himself - Host: Atticus Finch, meet Fatticus Bitch.
- [laughter]
- Himself - Host: Back when Milo was a thing, he-he used to literally call Trump "President Daddy." But he's hardly the only one who sees Trump that way. Jerry Falwell, Jr. said of Trump "He reminds me so much of my father." Yes, because they're both con men.
- [applause]
- Himself - Host: Kanye West thinks Trump is the father he never had.
- [a clip of West is shown]
- Himself - Host: Well, of course he loves Trump. He's a sucker for a giant ass.
- Himself - Host: But as for those of us just trying to survive in this American family, we have to come to terms with the reality that the daddy party is the "asshole dad" party now, and the patriarch of it all is a hot mess. And you know what happens when daddy's a useless piece of crap, right? Mom has to take over. And that's why Democrats, they're no longer the mommy party; they're the "single mother" party. They're...
- [applause]
- Himself - Host: They're the party that has to work two jobs 'cause daddy went out for cigarettes and never came back.
- [laughter]
- Himself - Host: The "single mother" party now is the only one that cares about the kids' future. The Republicans, they're... they're the party of the Koch brothers; "pollute all you want now, because tomorrow is not our problem. We'll be gone." When Trump was in England last week, he was amazed at Prince Charles' concern for the planet and its longevity.
- [a clip of Piers Morgan's interview with Trump is shown]
- Himself - Host: What... what a weirdo, huh? Caring about the future? Boy. Bill Barr was recently asked about his legacy; does not care. He said "I am at the end of my career. Everyone dies." Rudy Giuliani said the same thing: "I don't care about my legacy. I'll be dead." Which is shocking; I thought he was dead.
- [laughter]
- Himself - Host: So... so, happy Father's Day, but keep in mind, if Republicans made a commercial for life insurance, it would go like this: "You love your family. But what if you weren't there to take care of them? Oh, well. Shit happens."