- Martin Jackson: We're both incredibly fecund.
- Carol Jackson: Martin has the highest sperm count in all Bromwell.
- Martin Jackson: I produce mugfuls of the stuff every day. There's some now.
- Carol Jackson: If you're quiet, you can sometimes hear it.
- Latrina: Who wants to know what's in my bag?
- Keisha: Is it a severed head?
- Latrina: Not today.
- Natella: Your mum has got to stop having babies.
- Latrina: Oh, Natella. Not having babies is for gays!
- Latrina: [Latrina is handed a sex education brochure] Wicked! I'm always keen to pick up tips!
- Tamsin: I see you have a baby in a bag. My mother warned me this would happen. I suspect you're all on crack, too.
- Keisha: Lucky guess.
- Keisha: I hate handcuffs. I get enough of this on weekends.
- Roger Bibby: I'm not a real man, Latrina. I'm a geography teacher.
- Latrina: You've defiled my mum and abandoned her baby!
- Roger Bibby: "You've defiled my mum and abandoned her baby", sir.
- Roger Bibby: Sorry, Carol. I couldn't help overhearing your conversation about adoption. Largely because you were talking so loudly, and also because I was eavesdropping.
- Carol Jackson: What's that, Roger?
- Roger Bibby: This? Oh, just an orphaned Romanian baby.
- Martin Jackson: Where did you get it?
- Roger Bibby: An orphanage. In Romania.
- Martin Jackson: You're a monster.
- Roger Bibby: No, Martin. I'm a geography teacher.
- Roger Bibby: I'm no paediatrician. Despite what the graffiti says.
- Latrina: I is meet him in the chat room, and he says he is eighteen, but when I is meet him at prison visiting hours, he is like 30. And then he escaped and abduct me, and then I is find out he is asylum seeker, and now he is flown home. How about you?
- Natella: Oh, nothing really. I just stayed in.
- Keisha: It's always some day or other at this school. Today is sex education day, yesterday was Monday. Let's take the day off, man!
- Natella: I didn't even know your mum was pregnant.
- Latrina: Neither did she.
- Natella: Where did she have it?
- Latrina: I don't want to think about it. The bouncers went mental!
- Natella: This is a school. If you have a problem, you should get help from a teacher.
- Latrina: Yeah, I could go and see Mr. Bibby.
- Keisha: That's the bitch. He's the deputy head, he's there to help you.
- Latrina: And he's the one that knocked up my mum in the first place.
- Latrina: My name is Latrina, and I have a question for the fat bitch.
- Melanie Dickson: Latrina! It's the fat lady.
- Latrina: Sorry, miss. Fat lady, here is my question: why is you so fat?
- Melanie Dickson: Questions about sex, please.
- Natella: Please excuse my friend's clumsiness. May I ask a question of a more pertinent sexual nature?
- Melanie Dickson: Thank god for the Asians.
- Natella: Miss Hutchison, during the act of sexual intercourse, have you ever crushed a man to death?
- Melanie Dickson: Well, answer the question.
- Miss Hutchison: I'm not answering that.
- Melanie Dickson: Well done, Natella. You've stumped the experts again.
- Keisha: Miss! Miss!
- Melanie Dickson: Keisha, do you have a simpler question for the fat lady?
- Keisha: Big fat lady, tell me this, has you got a baby?
- Miss Hutchison: Well, as it happens...
- Keisha: By which I mean, have you ever done it with a man?
- Miss Hutchison: Well, it's...
- Keisha: 'Cause I can't see it. You're too fat.
- Melanie Dickson: Well, you've got to answer one of them!
- Martin Jackson: [buying a baby on eBay] 1874 dollars!
- Carol Jackson: That's cheap.
- Martin Jackson: It's only got one arm.
- Carol Jackson: Ah, not mint.
- Tamsin: Fat lady, can you get pregnant from sitting on a toilet?
- Miss Hutchison: No, you can't get pregnant from sitting on a toilet.
- Tamsin: Not even if there's already someone sitting on it?
- Latrina: [with the Dollbot 2000] I think this will be a much better baby brother. It's shiny, it doesn't cry, and its head is easily detachable.
- Martin Jackson: Using a prostitute is not cheating.
- Carol Jackson: Martin, the school dinner lady is not a prostitute.
- Martin Jackson: Oh? Then, why did she charge me two hundred quid?