- Roger Bibby: I've been asked to speak at the Geography Teachers' Conference in Southampton, wherever that is.
- Carol Jackson: [to attractive journalist Steve] I'll take your dic... tation.
- Melanie Dickson: Can I see your column?
- Carol Jackson: I'll give you a front-page splash.
- Melanie Dickson: You can enter me on your laptop.
- Steve: When did you take over the school?
- Iqbal Kandallah: Let Iqbal think: five years ago, I was in Parkhurst for a crime I committed.
- Roger Bibby: And I was in former Yugoslavia... on a caravan holiday.
- Iqbal Kandallah: Then, I escape - uh, don't mention that in the article - and I is meet Mr. Bib in Angola, where we run successful diamond smuggle operation.
- Roger Bibby: And where we dabbled in the slave trade. Emphasise "dabble", not "slave trade".
- Steve: It must be hard work keeping the school at the top of the class. How do you relax?
- Iqbal Kandallah: I take five minutes every day to recharge my batteries, read the newspaper, and have a lovely big wank.
- Roger Bibby: I enjoy doing the crossword puzzle. Obviously I use a different newspaper.
- Carol Jackson: [to an attractive photographer] You can click my button!
- Melanie Dickson: Why don't you give me a flash, and we'll see what develops?
- Carol Jackson: I'll swallow your developing fluid!
- Melanie Dickson: Yeah, well done, Carol, because that would kill you.
- Steve: I would never reveal my sources.
- Melanie Dickson: You can reveal your sauce all over me!
- Carol Jackson: I'll be your Deep Throat!
- Melanie Dickson: Ah, well that's imaginative.
- Martin Jackson: They're not drugs, they're sweets!
- Roger Bibby: There were allegorical similarities which the LEA could not ignore.
- Iqbal Kandallah: They have zero-tolerance anti-allegory policy.
- Roger Bibby: I have identified the pupils who shamed the school. They will be punished in the usual way: extra homework, detention, and the destruction of all images associated with their presidential cult.
- Latrina: What's in that bag?
- Keisha: Guess.
- Latrina: Um, a really tiny horse?
- Keisha: No.
- Latrina: Aw, then I give up!
- Keisha: Don't worry. I is hide the sweets.
- Latrina: Where is you hide them?
- Keisha: Somewhere that no one will ever find them in a billion years.
- Latrina: Like where?
- Keisha: The only clue to where they is is a riddle I've written.
- Latrina: Oh, I love riddles!
- Keisha: It is take you a million years to work it out.
- Natella: Try us.
- Keisha: Okay: If it is the sweets you seek, into the cloakroom you must sneak. Look for where I keep my books, and hang my coat and bag on hooks. Behind the metal door is stowed, the sweets what make your head explode. Solve that.
- Natella: They're in your locker.
- Keisha: Yes.
- Natella: That's an obvious hiding place!
- Keisha: Is it?
- Natella: Yes.
- Keisha: Oh.