- Amenadiel: Michael's become... untouchable in the Silver City.
- Lucifer Morningstar: Well, he's not in the Silver City now, is he? So excuse me while I go touch him.
- [Starts to leave, turns back]
- Lucifer Morningstar: I can see how that's a poor choice of words.
- Chloe Decker: If you didn't understand the first four times I shot you, I will gladly shoot you again, Michael.
- Lucifer Morningstar: [coming back to the precinct] Oh. Burnt coffee and body odor never smelled so good.
- Lucifer Morningstar: Do you know, of all the ways you humans try to control your lives, these silly New Age superstitions are by far the most embarrassing.
- Lucifer Morningstar: So if I give people the opportunity, they'll tell me what to do?
- Linda Martin: Exactly, like...
- [Serious]
- Linda Martin: Bring back my baby's daddy from Hell.
- Lucifer Morningstar: [Not listening] Yes, yes. Thank you. I've got to go.
- Linda Martin: [Hopeful] To Hell?
- Lieutenant Diablo: I found this... where Matt was killed. Fell out of his pocket. Just a little thing I like to call "evidence."
- Chloe Decker: You stole evidence from the crime scene?
- Lucifer Morningstar: To be fair, Detective, that is absolutely on-brand.
- Lucifer Morningstar: It's me. It's Lucifer.
- Chloe Decker: Do you expect me to fall for that again?
- Lucifer Morningstar: But... Look at the hair... or the perfectly arranged pocket square. Could Michael pull this off? I don't think so.
- Lucifer Morningstar: Detective, you're the only reason I'm here.
- Chloe Decker: Apparently you're the only reason *I'm* here.
- Lucifer Morningstar: Look, I'm really trying to listen, so if you're telling me that you'd like to stab me, then...
- [Stands arms outstretched]
- Lucifer Morningstar: Just avoid the old parsnip, for old time's sake.
- Lucifer Morningstar: Michael needles peoples fears. It's what he does. But we also know he's all bark and no bite. Don't you remember, growing up? He'd get under your skin with one of his schemes, then you'd give him one of your atomic wedgies, and that'd be that.
- Amenadiel: I don't think a wedgie's gonna do it this time.
- Chloe Decker: [to the two Diablo actors] I have to bag the whole place for evidence, and you both are not cops. So play time's over. Out!
- Lucifer Morningstar: Don't take offense. She used to say the exact same thing to me.
- Lucifer Morningstar: [about Michael] Every word that comes out of that admittedly dashing face is a lie.
- Chloe Decker: Oh, well, that's a relief, because he said something so insane, I, well, obviously knew it had to be a lie.
- Lucifer Morningstar: [groans] Did he claim he's friends with Elvis? 'Cause, for one, the King's still alive and I'm the only one who knows where.
- Lucifer Morningstar: You came down here to tell me this why? Just to torture me?
- [sighs]
- Lucifer Morningstar: I suppose this is the appropriate place for it.
- Lieutenant Diablo: Blaze, tell the girls to swap their G-strings for evening gowns tomorrow night.
- Mazikeen: [Watching show] Wow. It's like looking into a mirror
- Linda Martin: Maze, you know I'm not going anywhere, right?
- Mazikeen: Maybe not on purpose, but you're gonna drop dead in what? Five years?
- Linda Martin: How old do you think I am?
- Dan Espinoza: I can feel your negative vibrations from across the room, man.
- Lucifer Morningstar: Well, then you should probably move even further away. I've just given the detective space for the moment. You can give me space forever.
- Detective Dancer: I'm a lead in a hit show, and you know, there are strippers out there considering becoming detectives now. I'm kind of a role model.
- Lieutenant Diablo: I've been doing this job for seven episodes now, and if there's one thing I've learned, it's why people kill.
- Lucifer Morningstar: Oh?
- Lieutenant Diablo: It's 'cause they *yearn* for something. You want to find the killer, figure out their yearning.
- Lucifer Morningstar: Right. Isn't there a better word for that?
- Lieutenant Diablo: No.
- Detective Doofus: Diablo, I don't get it. How did you manage to get a lead from a single strand of dental floss?
- Lieutenant Diablo: Like I keep telling you, Detective Doofus... I've got connections in the underworld.
- Lucifer Morningstar: I knew TV writing isn't all hookers and blow like the 80' s, but I had no idea how sad it had got.
- Mazikeen: You have mentioned a few times now that you are worried about going to Hell. What's the problem? I literally grew up there. I turned out fine.
- Lucifer Morningstar: Right, that's your play, is it? Taking credit for my failed rebellion? By all means, it's yours.
- Michael: Now, you see, that is the best part. All I did was plant the idea. You're the one who chose do it. You still get to keep all the blame yourself.
- Lucifer Morningstar: [Reading Lieutenant ¡Diablo! script] This one would have been amazing. Diablo was going to solve a crime in space.
- Chloe Decker: Oh. Mm-hmm. And what was Dancer doing, a zero-G striptease?
- Lucifer Morningstar: Have you read this already?
- Lucifer Morningstar: Those are the personal notes from the actor who played Diablo. He had a fascinating insight into the character. Some wild theories about self-loathing, but we can't get it all right.
- Ella Lopez: I am, living proof that people can change old, bad patterns.
- [Phone buzzes]
- Chloe Decker: You got a text.
- [Picks up phone]
- Chloe Decker: Oh! Whoa, that's a penis. That's a tattooed penis.
- Ella Lopez: ...Some patterns are harder to change than others.
- Chloe Decker: [Spies something on the evidence table] Uh, looks familiar.
- Ella Lopez: Wait, you know Craig?
- Chloe Decker: No, this. No, I don't know Craig and his tattooed penis.
- Chloe Decker: Thank you for your time.
- Lucifer Morningstar: Yes. Thank you.
- Lieutenant Diablo: [Turns to co-star cluelessly] Do they seem familiar to you?
- Keri Belwood: Do you know how dispiriting it is to spend days figuring out a clever clue path just for your boss to replace it with a lap dance?
- Lieutenant Diablo: The man was an artist.
- Lucifer Morningstar: Sorry, is that a vape pen?
- Lieutenant Diablo: Hot cinnamon. Keeps the weight off.
- Lucifer Morningstar: [sighs] You were doing so well.
- Lucifer Morningstar: [Looking at his shattered piano] Oh, Michael. Of all the things you've done to hurt me, this might cut the deepest.
- Dan Espinoza: Second AD called her away.
- Lucifer Morningstar: Well, the second it is.
- Dan Espinoza: ...But he got the message from the first AD...
- Lucifer Morningstar: The first.
- Dan Espinoza: ...Who was passing on the message that the AD needed to be on set in the first place.
- Lucifer Morningstar: For Dad's sake, who put in the request?
- Keri Belwood: Please tell me you're here to put me out of my misery.
- Lucifer Morningstar: Could be, yes.
- Chloe Decker, Detective Dancer: Freeze! L.A.P.D.! Drop the gun!
- Chloe Decker: [Beat] Wait. I'm a real cop with a real gun. That's a prop. Put it down.
- Detective Dancer: Sorry. Force of habit.