- Jim Halpert: Do you take requests?
- Andy Bernard: Sure.
- Jim Halpert: Please stop, because we're having a Christmas party.
- Michael Scott: I need to find ways to push Meredith to the bottom. I think I can do it. I did it with Jan.
- Andy Bernard: When I was in college, I used to get wicked hammered. My nickname was "Puke." I would chug a fifth of So-Co, sneak into a frat party, polish off a few people's empties, some brewskies, some Jell-O shots, do some body shots off myself, pass out, wake up the next morning, boot, rally, more So-Co, head to class. Probably would have gotten expelled if I'd let it affect my grades, but I aced all my courses. They called me "Ace." It was totally awesome. I got straight B's. They called me "Buzz."
- Angela Martin: [Phyllis has shoved Angela's Nativity scene figurines into a drawer] I am not going to judge Phyllis for desecrating Christmas. There is one person who will, though, and Phyllis just stuffed him into a drawer.
- Dwight Schrute: In the Schrute family, we believe in a five-fingered intervention. Awareness, education, control, acceptance and punching.
- Meredith Palmer: I don't mind telling you that I have an addiction. I do. To porn.
- Michael Scott: All right, no, no, no, no. That is... The image, I think we all can agree, is very disgusting.
- Jim Halpert: They've been in there for 45 minutes.
- Pam Beesly: I know. If she wasn't an alcoholic before, she is now.
- [during the intervention, Michael reads questions to Meredith]
- Michael Scott: "Have you ever, under the influence of alcohol, questioned the teachings of the Mormon Church?"
- Oscar Martinez: Where did you get this?
- Michael Scott: I got it on a website. That's not important.
- Michael Scott: You lit your hair on fire today. What about tomorrow? What is going to happen when you come into work and you're dead?
- Dwight Schrute: I stab her in the brain with a wooden stick.
- Dwight Schrute: [to the camera] There are several ways to kill a zombie, but the most satisfying is to stab it in the brain with a wooden stick.
- Kevin Malone: Well, Meredith, there was that one time you bought movie tickets and then you got too drunk to go, so you gave them to me. And that was really cool.
- Michael Scott: That's... you didn't... You weren't hurt by that.
- Kevin Malone: Yep, you said, "affected" by it. Thanks again, Meredith.
- Admitting Nurse: [Michael drags Meredith into the rehab center] Can I help you?
- Michael Scott: I have a deposit. Alcoholic.
- Creed Bratton: [deleted scene] She went up real quick, so she's definitely a witch.
- [beat]
- Creed Bratton: Or she's definitely not a witch.
- [sighs]
- Creed Bratton: I used to know this stuff.
- Angela Martin: [deleted scene] Movies always make alcohol look fun. Oh, look! We're four fabulous ladies living in the city and having sex and having cosmos! Well, here's the reality. Carrie would be in rehab right now and Samantha would have AIDS. Or at least herpes.
- Pam Beesly: [deleted scene] Honestly, Meredith. It's not so bad.
- Kelly Kapoor: Yeah, and you kind of need a haircut anyway.
- Meredith Palmer: It's completely uneven.
- Pam Beesly: No. It's cute and spiky and fun.
- Kelly Kapoor: Oh, you know who you look like? Rihanna. Or you could just shave it all off and then you'd look like Pink or Natalie Portman.
- Meredith Palmer: You really think I look okay?
- Kelly Kapoor: Yeah.
- Pam Beesly: Mmm-hmm.