- Stanley Hudson: I do not like pregnant women in my workspace. They're always complaining. I have varicose veins, too. I have swollen ankles. I'm constantly hungry. Do you think my nipples don't get sore too? Do you think I don't need to know the fastest way to the hospital?
- Andy Bernard: So, Jan, tell my intended about the miracle of childbirth.
- [Angela rolls her eyes]
- Jan Levinson: Well, actually, I uh, I had a tub birth. That was really, really quite amazing.
- Angela Martin: You gave birth in a *tub*?
- Jan Levinson: Yeah, it's... it's a really nice transition from womb to, to world, you know? Kinda like a big womb...
- Kelly Kapoor: Umm, so you're in the tub with... everything?
- Jan Levinson: Oh yeah, the afterbirth floats. Yeah.
- [smiles]
- Creed Bratton: Must be like the tide at Omaha Beach.
- Jan Levinson: Oh no, it's actually really hygienic, Creed.
- Creed Bratton: [shakes his head] Ugh...
- Stanley Hudson: I'm done.
- [walks out]
- Oscar Martinez: Me too.
- [follows Stanley]
- Michael Scott: If a baby were president, there would be no taxes, there would be no war. There would be no... government, and... things could get terrible. It actually, probably, it would be a better... screenplay idea than a serious suggestion.
- Michael Scott: You know what, Phyllis? I think you need to step it up. I think you need to get the lead out. Because, if I'm not mistaken, we gave you your wedding shower here. We all came into this room and gave you a golden shower. Well, you know what, where's my golden shower, Phyllis?
- Jim Halpert: [Interview, next to a whiteboard diagram] Jan is about to have a baby with a sperm donor. And Michael is preparing for the birth of a watermelon with Dwight. Now, this baby will be related to Michael through...
- [draws a question mark]
- Jim Halpert: delusion.
- Dwight Schrute: Jan had the baby and Michael wasn't there to mark it. So the baby could be anybody's. Except Michael's.
- Jan Levinson: [wakes up on couch] Oh, I was just catching up on my sleep.
- Holly Flax: I can imagine!
- Jan Levinson: ...Where's Astrid?
- Holly Flax: Oh, I think she's on a sales call.
- Jan Levinson: On a what?
- Holly Flax: [holds hand like a phone] "Wahhh, more paper! Wahhh!"
- [giggles as Jan stares blankly]
- Holly Flax: No, she's just uhh, on a coffee break.
- Jan Levinson: [sarcastically] That's funny.
- Holly Flax: ...She's with Angela.
- Michael Scott: [whispering] Ladies and gentlemen, it is my privilege and honor to present for the first time in her life, and in the office, As...
- Jan Levinson: -trid.
- Michael Scott: -trid Levinson! Hi!
- [holds Astrid up]
- Michael Scott: Astrid, this is everybody. Look! This is your family!
- [Kevin waves, Dwight smiles]
- Michael Scott: You're going to know them for the rest of your life!
- Jan Levinson: Well...
- Michael Scott: Well, he may not be here.
- [indicates Creed]
- Michael Scott: Say hello! Okay, here we go. Lion King!
- [lifts Astrid over his head]
- Jan Levinson: Woah, Michael, Michael, MICHAEL!
- Michael Scott: Ready to play some games? Let's do it!
- Kevin Malone: Michael, the baby's already been born.
- Michael Scott: Yeah, duh...
- Kevin Malone: So, we had games planned, but the baby ruins all of them.
- Michael Scott: [angrily] No, the baby doesn't ruin anything, Kevin. Okay? The baby... multiplies the fun. Let's just... do what you were going to do.
- Kevin Malone: Okay... who wants to guess when the baby will be born?