The Big Bang Theory (TV Series)
The Maternal Capacitance (2009)
Johnny Galecki: Leonard Hofstadter
Photos
Quotes
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Sheldon Cooper : Leonard, I had no idea your siblings were so much more successful than you.
Raj Koothrappali : Yeah, you're like the Jar-Jar Binks of the Hofstadter family.
Howard Wolowitz : [Imitating Jar-jar] Oh, meesa think yousa lookin' so-so sad.
Leonard Hofstadter : You know, rather than mock me, my friends might realize that this is difficult and try to help me through it.
Raj Koothrappali : Nope, I think mocking you is more fun.
Howard Wolowitz : [imitating JarJar Binks] Next time, don't yousa bring momma to work, Okee-day?
[Raj and Howard laugh]
Leonard Hofstadter : [Leonard's mother comes back] That was fast.
Beverly : Oh, the middle stall was occupied, I'll have to try again later.
Sheldon Cooper : It's totally understandable. In bladder voiding as in real estate, it's location, location, location.
Beverly : So where were we?
Leonard Hofstadter : [to his mother] Howard lives with his mother, and Raj can't speak to women unless he's drunk. Go!
Beverly : Well, that's fascinating. Selective mutism is quite rare. On the other hand, an adult Jewish male living with his mother is so common it borders on sociological cliché.
Howard Wolowitz : It's just temporary, I pay rent.
Leonard Hofstadter : He lives in the same room where his bassinet was.
Beverly : You know, both selective mutism and an inability to separate from one's mother can stem from a pathological fear of women. It might explain why the two of you have created an ersatz homosexual marriage to satisfy your need for intimacy.
Howard Wolowitz : Say what?
[Raj whispers in Howard's ear]
Howard Wolowitz : That's basically what I just said!
Leonard Hofstadter : [to Raj] You brought your husband to work, you know the rules.
[imitating JarJar Binks]
Leonard Hofstadter : Meesa thinkin' yousa lookin' pretty sad now too, betcha betcha.
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Leonard Hofstadter : You want to talk about not getting love from a parent - you know what I used to do when I was little for some sensation of human contact?
Penny : Yeah, you grabbed your penis and wouldn't let go. Your mother told me.
Leonard Hofstadter : Course she did. Anyway, that's not what I was going to say. When I was ten years old, I built a hugging machine.
Penny : A hugging machine?
Leonard Hofstadter : Yeah. I got a dressmaker's mannequin, I stuffed it with an electric blanket so it would be warm, and I built two radio-controlled arms that would hug me and pat my back.
Penny : Oh, that is so sad.
Leonard Hofstadter : You know what the saddest part was?
Penny : What?
Leonard Hofstadter : My father used to borrow it.
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Leonard Hofstadter : Here's your tea, Mother.
Beverly : Oolong?
Leonard Hofstadter : Yes.
Beverly : Loose, not bagged?
Leonard Hofstadter : Yes.
Beverly : Steeped, three minutes?
Leonard Hofstadter : Yes.
Beverly : Two percent milk?
Leonard Hofstadter : Yes.
Beverly : Warmed separately?
Leonard Hofstadter : Yes.
Beverly : One teaspoon of sugar?
Leonard Hofstadter : Yes.
Beverly : Raw sugar?
Leonard Hofstadter : Yes.
Beverly : [Beverly sips the tea] It's cold.
Leonard Hofstadter : I'll start again.
Sheldon Cooper : [to Beverly] I have the same problem with him.
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[Leonard's mother Beverly, a neuroscientist and psychoanalyst, is visiting]
Sheldon Cooper : Your mother is brilliant, analytical, insightful - and I'm betting she never hit you with a Bible because you wouldn't eat your Brussels sprouts.
Leonard Hofstadter : Sheldon, you don't give your mother enough credit. She's warm, she's loving, she doesn't glue electrodes to your head to measure your brain waves while potty training.
Sheldon Cooper : You were lucky! When I was a kid, if I wanted an EEG, I had to attach my *own* electrodes.
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Leonard Hofstadter : You can't let her get into your head.
Penny : My head? What about yours?
Leonard Hofstadter : It's too late for me. My head is her summer house.
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Penny : [Leonard knocks on Penny's door] Hi.
Leonard Hofstadter : You got alcohol?
Penny : Your mom still here?
Leonard Hofstadter : Yup.
Penny : [holds out bottle] C'mon in.
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Leonard Hofstadter : Why are you doing this?
Howard Wolowitz : You know the rules; you brought your mom to work, you must suffaaaaaaaah!
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Sheldon Cooper : He's holding the phone to his left ear. Ears do not cross hemispheres, so he's using the analytical rather than the emotional side of the brain, suggesting that he has no personal relationship with the caller.
Leonard Hofstadter : No, I didn't realize it had been so long... Sure, I guess there's no other choice but just to go ahead and do it.
Sheldon Cooper : He's referrng to an activity he has done before. It's unpleasant and needs to be repeated. This suggests some sort of invasive medical test like perhaps a colonoscopy.
Leonard Hofstadter : Aren't there any other options? There's not a lot of room. It's going to be uncomfortable.
Sheldon Cooper : Yes, yes, I'm definitely going with colonoscopy.
Leonard Hofstadter : Okay, bye.
[Leonard looks up to see everyone looking at him]
Leonard Hofstadter : My mother's coming to visit.
Howard Wolowitz : [to Sheldon] How about that, you were right.
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Penny : Wait, wait, she's not gonna come here looking for you, is she?
Leonard Hofstadter : Relax. She took Sheldon to the hospital to get a brain scan.
Penny : Oh, my God. What happened?
Leonard Hofstadter : Nothing. Mother likes looking at brains and Sheldon likes getting his brain scanned.
Penny : Geez, what a fun couple.
Leonard Hofstadter : She's only been here a day and a half and I'm seriously considering alcoholism as a new career path.
Penny : Hey, I talked to her for five minutes yesterday and I've been half bombed ever since.
Leonard Hofstadter : You can't let her get into your head.
Penny : My head, what about yours?
Leonard Hofstadter : It's too late for me. My head is her summer house.
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Beverly : Your Uncle Floyd died.
Leonard Hofstadter : Oh my God! What happened?
Beverly : His heart stopped beating.