The Big Bang Theory (TV Series)

The Euclid Alternative (2008)

Jim Parsons: Sheldon Cooper

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Quotes 

• Sheldon Cooper : I still don't see why I need a driver's license. Albert Einstein never had a driver's license.

  Howard Wolowitz : Yeah, but Albert Einstein didn't make me wet myself at 40 miles an hour.

  Penny : Yeah, and I never wanted to kick Albert Einstein in the nuts.

• Leonard Hofstadter : [Sheldon's on a driving simulator and it's a disaster]  How'd you manage to get on the second floor of the Glendale Galleria?

  Sheldon Cooper : I don't know. I was on the Pasadena freeway and missed my exit, flew off the overpass, and one thing led to another.

  Leonard Hofstadter : Maybe you wanna give it a rest and try again tomorrow.

  Sheldon Cooper : No. I quit.

  [gets off the simulator but forgets to turn it off] 

  Leonard Hofstadter : [sounds of a horrifying crash, then various animals]  Oh, the pet store.

  Sheldon Cooper : Remind me to compliment Wolowitz on the software, it's amazingly detailed.

• Leonard Hofstadter : Penny's taking you to the DMV; I'm going to bed.

  Sheldon Cooper : Why Penny?

  Leonard Hofstadter : Because rock breaks scissors. Good night.

• Sheldon Cooper : [about a driving simulation]  Now, are there airbags?

  Leonard Hofstadter : You don't need airbags!

  Sheldon Cooper : But what if a simulated van rear-ends me?

  Penny : I'll hit you in the face with a pillow.

• Sheldon Cooper : Well, no, now, I'm not going to go so far as to say that I represent a distinct new stage in humankind, you know, a Homo Novis, if you will, no, that's for anthropologists to decide. But I am convinced that the reason I cannot master the plebeian task of driving is because I'm not meant to.

• Leonard : You're a big boy, you'll figure it out.

  Sheldon : Don't talk to me like I'm a child. Now take me to return my Star Wars sheets!

• [first lines] 

  Sheldon Cooper : Good morning, Leonard!

  Leonard Hofstadter : Uh-huh.

  Sheldon Cooper : We're going to have to stop by Pottery Barn on the way to work. I bought these Star Wars sheets, but they turned out to be much too stimulating to be compatible with a good night's sleep. I don't like the way Darth Vader stares at me.

• Sheldon Cooper : But, how am I going to get to work?

  Leonard Hofstadter : Take the bus.

  Sheldon Cooper : I can't take the bus anymore. They don't have seat belts, and they won't let you lash yourself to the seat with bungee cords.

  Leonard Hofstadter : You tried to lash yourself to the seat with bungee cords?

  Sheldon Cooper : I didn't try. I succeeded. For some reason, it alarmed the other passengers and I was asked to de-bus.

• Sheldon Cooper : Studies have shown that performing tasks such as eating, talking on the cellphone or drinking coffee while driving reduces one's reaction time by the same factor as an ounce of alcohol.

  Penny : Do you have any alcohol?

  Sheldon Cooper : Of course not.

  Penny : Too bad.

• Sheldon Cooper : Excuse me, but I have some concerns about these questions.

  Octavia : Look at that sign up there.

  Sheldon Cooper : Yes?

  Octavia : Does it say I give a damn?

  Sheldon Cooper : No.

  Octavia : That's because I don't.

• Penny : [Sheldon doesn't have a driving license]  Why didn't you just get a license at sixteen, like everybody else?

  Sheldon Cooper : I was otherwise engaged.

  Penny : Doing what?

  Sheldon Cooper : Examining perturbative amplitudes in n=4 supersymmetric theories, leading to a reexamination of the ultraviolet properties of multi-loop n=8 supergravity, using modern twistor theory.

  Penny : Well, how about when you were seventeen?

• Leonard Hofstadter : Didn't I tell you I'd be working nights and that you'd have to make other arrangements?

  Sheldon Cooper : You did.

  Leonard Hofstadter : And?

  Sheldon Cooper : I didn't... Let's go.

• Howard Wolowitz : Sheldon, why are you arguing with the DMV?

  Sheldon Cooper : How else are they going to learn? Look, question two: "When are roadways most slippery?" Now, okay, there are three answers, none of which are correct. The correct answer is when covered by a film of liquid sufficient to reduce the coefficient of static friction between the tire and the road to essentially zero, but not so deep as to introduce a new source of friction.

  Octavia : [approving his permit]  Here's your learner's permit. Go away.

  Sheldon Cooper : But I'm not done. I... I have many additional concerns about these questions.

  Octavia : Don't make me climb over this counter.

  Penny : [leading Sheldon away]  All right, come on. Come on.

  Octavia : Next!

  Sheldon Cooper : Aced it.

• Octavia : Application?

  Sheldon Cooper : I'm actually more of a theorist.

  Howard Wolowitz : The application in your hand, give it to her.

• Sheldon Cooper : Your check engine light is on.

  Penny : Mm-hmm.

  Sheldon Cooper : Typically that's an indicator to, you know, check your engine.

  Penny : It's fine, it's been on for, like, a month.

  Sheldon Cooper : Well, actually, that would be all the more reason to, you know, check your engine.

  Penny : Sheldon, it's fine.

  Sheldon Cooper : If it were fine, the light wouldn't be on. That's why the manufacturer installed that light, to let you know it's not fine.

  Penny : Uh, maybe the light's broken.

  Sheldon Cooper : Is there a "check the check engine light light"?

• [last lines] 

  Sheldon : You saw nothing!

• Sheldon Cooper : Didn't you recently state that you and I are friends?

  Penny : Yes, Sheldon. We are friends.

  Sheldon Cooper : Then I hereby invoke what I'm given to understand is an integral part of the implied covenant of friendship.

  Penny : ?

  Sheldon Cooper : The favor.

  Penny : Oh, dear God!

  Sheldon Cooper : I'm sorry, I didn't realize I was interrupting your morning prayers.

• Leonard Hofstadter : Sheldon, I was up all night using the new free-electron laser for my x-ray diffraction experiment.

  Sheldon Cooper : Did he laser accidentally burn out your retinas?

  Leonard Hofstadter : No.

  Sheldon Cooper : Then you can drive. Let's go.

• Sheldon Cooper : Euclid avenue is shorter as the crow flies, but it has speed bumps, which appreciably increase point-to-point drive time, making it the less efficient choice.

  [Penny glares at Sheldon] 

  Sheldon Cooper : But you have the con.

• Howard Wolowitz : I haven't configured it yet. Let's see, Bradly tank, transport truck, Batmobile...

  Sheldon Cooper : Oooo

  Leonard Hofstadter : No!