The Big Bang Theory (TV Series)

The White Asparagus Triangulation (2008)

Jim Parsons: Sheldon Cooper

Photos 

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Quotes 

• Sheldon : [Knock, knock, knock]  Penny.

  [Knock, knock, knock] 

  Sheldon : Penny...

  Penny : What?

  Sheldon : [Knock, knock, knock]  Penny. Zucchini bread.

  Penny : Ooh. Thank you!

  Sheldon : May I come in?

  Penny : No.

  Sheldon : Y - I see. Apparently, my earlier inquiry regarding you and Leonard crossed some sort of line. I apologize.

  Penny : Aw, thank you.

  Sheldon : So have you and I returned to a social equilibrium?

  Penny : Yes.

  Sheldon : Great. New Topic. Where are you in your menstrual cycle?

  Penny : What?

  Sheldon : I've been doing some research online and apparently, female primates - you know, apes, chimpanzees, YOU - they find their mate more desirable when he's being courted by another female. Now, this effect is intensified when the rival female, is secreting the pheromones associated with ovulation. Which brings me back to my question; where are you...

  Sheldon : [Penny slams door on his face]  Clearly I'm 14 days too early.

• Penny : OK, all right, you know what... I'll tell you what happened.

  [sighs heavily] 

  Penny : We were young; we were very much in love. but we could only communicate through a time-traveling mailbox at my lake house.

  Sheldon Cooper : It's not enough that you made me watch that movie, but now you mock me with it?

• Sheldon Cooper : Leonard, Leonard, Leonard

  [whilst knocking] 

  Leonard Hofstadter : What, Sheldon? What, Sheldon? What, Sheldon?

  Sheldon Cooper : Tell me what you see here?

  [showing Leonard the laptop] 

  Leonard Hofstadter : The blunt instrument that will be the focus of my murder trial?

• Sheldon Cooper : [seeing the mess in Penny's apartment]  Were you robbed?

  Penny : No.

  Sheldon Cooper : [looking around]  How can you be sure?

• Sheldon : I'm sorry I'm late, but your companion left the most indecipherable invitation.

  Leonard : What invitation?

  Sheldon : [reads note]  "We're going to the movies." What movie? What theater? What time? If you were trying to make it impossible to locate you, you couldn't have done a better job.

  Leonard : Oh clearly, I could have.

• Sheldon Cooper : [after informing Stephanie he had successfully made his own CAT scanner at the age of 12]  In fact I was briefly able to see the inside of my sister's guinea pig, Snowball, before he caught fire. It led to an interesting expression in our house: "Not a Snowball's chance in a CAT scanner!"

• Leonard Hofstadter : Okay, I'm going to make this very simple for you. *You* are not in this relationship. *I* am. Ergo, you have *noooo* say in anything that happens between me and Stephanie!

  Sheldon Cooper : I'm afraid I can't allow that. Pursuant to Starfleet General Order 104, Section A, you are deemed unfit, and I hereby relieve you of your command.

  Leonard Hofstadter : Starfleet General Order 104, Section A does not apply in this situation.

  Sheldon Cooper : Give me one good reason why not.

  Leonard Hofstadter : Because this is not Star Trek!

• Sheldon Cooper : Gentlemen, I have a question about dating and relationships.

  Rajesh Koothrappali : [to Howard]  You told me you were going to have the talk with him.

  Howard Wolowitz : I've been waiting for someone to have the talk with me.

• [first lines] 

  Sheldon Cooper : Penny! Hello.

  Penny : Hey, Sheldon.

  Sheldon Cooper : What is shaking?

  Penny : [pause]  I'm sorry?

  Sheldon Cooper : It's colloquial, a conversation opener. So, do you find the weather satisfying? Are you currently sharing the triumph of some local sports team?

  Penny : Whats wrong with you? You're freaking me out.

  Sheldon Cooper : I'm striking up a casual conversation with you. Saa-uup?

  Penny : Please don't do that.

  Sheldon Cooper : All right, but I'm given to understand that when you have something *awkward* to discuss to someone it's more palatable to preface it with banal chit-chat.

  Penny : So this *wasn't* the awkward part?

• Sheldon Cooper : Of the handful of women Leonard's been involved with, she's the only one I have ever found tolerable.

  Penny : Well, what about me?

  Sheldon Cooper : The statement stands for itself.

• Sheldon : If you fail at this relationship, and history suggests you will, then we risk losing the medical officer that our landing party has always needed!

  Leonard : What landing party?

  Sheldon : You're Kirk, I'm Spock, Wolowitz is Scotty, Koothrappali is the guy who always gets killed... and now we've got McCoy!

• Sheldon Cooper : Wait here. I'll find us seats.

  Stephanie : Oh, no, we have seats.

  Leonard Hofstadter : [wearily]  Not the right seats.

  Sheldon Cooper : [loudly]  Ha. Ha. Ha.

  Stephanie : What is he doing?

  Leonard Hofstadter : [unenthused]  He's finding the acoustic sweet spot.

  Sheldon Cooper : [having changed seats]  Ha.

  Stephanie : Does he always do this?

  Leonard Hofstadter : Sometimes he brings a toy xylophone.

• Sheldon Cooper : I spent so much of my childhood at that hospital. When I was 12, I got to ride there in a helicopter.

  Stephanie : Why, w-w-what happened?

  Sheldon Cooper : Radiation burns. A little mishap while I was building my own cat scanner.

  Stephanie : I'm sorry, you tried to build your own cat scanner?

  Sheldon Cooper : No, I didn't try, I succeeded. In fact, I was briefly able to see the inside of my sister's guinea pig, Snowball, before he caught fire. It led to an interesting expression in our house: "Not a snowball's chance in a cat scanner."

• Sheldon Cooper : I would ask you to find some way to suppress your libido.

  Penny : I could think about you.

  Sheldon Cooper : Fine, whatever works.

• [last lines] 

  Sheldon Cooper : If I am permitted to speak again, Doctor Sheldon Cooper for the win.

• Sheldon Cooper : Well, Stephanie, since Leonard seems to be dropping the conversational ball, I guess I'll just have to pick it up.

  [long pause] 

  Sheldon Cooper : Have you ever witnessed a violent crime?

  Stephanie : No.

  Sheldon Cooper : Good. What's your favorite fruit?

  Stephanie : Eh, uh... Strawberries.

  Sheldon Cooper : Technically not a fruit, but all right.

• Sheldon : This is bananabread.

  Penny : This is a doorknob.

• Penny : Leonard, congratulations.

  Leonard Hofstadter : What for?

  Penny : Your Facebook status update. Leonard Hofstadter is in a relationship.

  Leonard Hofstadter : What? No... No, that's not right.

  Howard Wolowitz : Oh, man, did you switch your status before she did? Speaking as an expert: way to look needy.

  Penny : Seriously? You went first, after only two weeks? That's bold.

  Leonard Hofstadter : It's not bold, it's a mistake. I didn't change my status.

  Penny : Well, then who did?

  [Everybody looks at Sheldon] 

  Sheldon Cooper : I had no choice; he cried in front of her.

  Leonard Hofstadter : You hacked my Facebook account?

  Sheldon Cooper : Oh, it's hardly hacking when you use the same password for everything, "Kal-El".

• Leonard Hofstadter : [yelling]  Are you insane! Now she's going to think I'm desperate. You've destroyed this relationship, and, you want to know the worst part is, you don't even understand what you did wrong because you can't conceive of something that you are not an expert in.

  Sheldon Cooper : In which I am not...

  Leonard Hofstadter : Don't even!

• Sheldon Cooper : How do we circumvent his inevitable rejection?

  Rajesh Koothrappali : Well, if you want to guarantee his appeal to Stephanie, your best bet would be to kill all the other men on the planet.

  Howard Wolowitz : I'll tell you what you shouldn't do. Don't spritz him with that body spray from the commercial where the women undress when they smell it. That doesn't work at all. No matter how much you put on.

• Sheldon Cooper : When I fail to open this jar and you succeed, it will establish you as the "alpha" male. You see... When a female witnesses an exhibition of physical domination, she produces the hormone Oxycontin. If the two of you then engage in intercourse, this will create the biochemical reaction in the brain which lay people naively interpret as "falling in love".

  Leonard Hofstadter : Would it work if I just punched you in the face?

  Sheldon Cooper : Yes, actually it would, but let's see how the lid goes.

• Dr. Stephanie Barnett : What do you say se get you home, put you to bed?

  Leonard Hofstadter : Are you still gonna spend the night?

  Dr. Stephanie Barnett : Uh, no. I think that you probably need to rest.

  Sheldon Cooper : She's right. As long as you're vomiting, coitus is contraindicated.

• Sheldon Cooper : I need to know exactly what Leonard did that caused you to pop an emotional cap in his buttocks.

  Penny : What?

  Sheldon Cooper : Again, urban slang, in which I believe I'm gaining remarkable fluency.

• Howard Wolowitz : Look at Leonard's record: 27 days with Joyce Kim.

  Raj Koothrappali : During which, she defected to North Korea.

  Howard Wolowitz : Two booty calls with Leslie Winkle.

  Raj Koothrappali : For which she awarded him the nickname, "Speed of Light Leonard".

  Howard Wolowitz : And a 3-hour dinner with Penny.

  Raj Koothrappali : Which would have been 2 and a half if they ordered the soufflé when they sat down.

  Howard Wolowitz : Based on the geometric progression, his relationship with Stephanie should have ended after 20 minutes.

  Sheldon Cooper : Yes, I'm aware of the math, Y = 27 days over 12 to the Nth.

• Leonard Hofstadter : Do you understand that this was supposed to be a date?

  Sheldon Cooper : I do. Do you? Because frankly, you've been in a foul mood since I sat down.

• Sheldon Cooper : What a beautiful job Stephanie did. I might have gone with a mattress suture instead of a blanket stitch, but you can't argue with her results. It's a shame it won't scar, the war wound is a time-honoured badge of masculinity.

  Leonard Hofstadter : I can't remember a time when you weren't talking.