The Big Bang Theory (TV Series)
The Bad Fish Paradigm (2008)
Jim Parsons: Sheldon Cooper
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Quotes
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[Koothrappali and Wolowitz have been using a video camera to spy on Leonard's date with Penny]
Leonard Hofstadter : Sheldon! How could you just sit there and let them spy on me?
Sheldon Cooper : They were clever, Leonard: they exploited my complete lack of interest in what you were doing.
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Sheldon Cooper : Hey, there he is! There my old buddy bud-bud!
Leonard Hofstadter : What's with him?
Howard Wolowitz : Koothrapali dumped him on me and he couldn't get to sleep so I gave him a glass of warm milk with a handful of my mom's Valium in it but he still wouldn't shut up so tag you're it!
[Wolowitz drops Sheldon's bag and leaves]
Sheldon Cooper : I'm baaack!
Leonard Hofstadter : I still don't know why you left.
Sheldon Cooper : I can't tell you.
Leonard Hofstadter : Why not?
Sheldon Cooper : I promised Penny.
Leonard Hofstadter : You promised Penny what?
Sheldon Cooper : That I wouldn't tell you the secret. Ssh!
Leonard Hofstadter : What secret? Tell me the secret.
Sheldon Cooper : Mom smokes in the car. Jesus is okay with it but we can't tell dad!
Leonard Hofstadter : Not *that* secret! The other secret!
Sheldon Cooper : I'm Batman! Ssh!
Leonard Hofstadter : Damn it! Sheldon, you said Penny told you a secret. What was the secret?
Sheldon Cooper : Okay, I'll tell you. But you can't tell Leonard.
Leonard Hofstadter : I promise.
Sheldon Cooper : Penny lied about graduating from community college because she's afraid she's not smart enough for Leonard.
Leonard Hofstadter : So it's nothing I did? It's her problem?
Sheldon Cooper : I drank milk that tasted funny.
Leonard Hofstadter : Penny thinks I'm too smart for her. That's ridiculous!
Sheldon Cooper : I know. Most of your work is extremely derivative. Don't worry that's not a secret. Everybody knows!
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Sheldon Cooper : [Ex nihilo] Leonard, I'm moving out.
Leonard Hofstadter : What do you mean, you're moving out? Why?
Sheldon Cooper : There doesn't have to be a reason.
Leonard Hofstadter : Yeah, there kinda does.
Sheldon Cooper : Not necessarily. This is a classic example of Münchhausen's Trilemma: either the reason is predicated on a series of sub-reasons, leading to an infinite regression; or it tracks back to arbitrary axiomatic statements; or it's ultimately circular: i.e., I'm moving out because I'm moving out.
Leonard Hofstadter : I'm still confused.
Sheldon Cooper : Leonard, I don't see how I could have made it any simpler.
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[Sheldon and Rajesh are watching television. Alka Yagnik's voice can be heard singing]
Sheldon Cooper : Is that woman Aishwarya Rai?
Rajesh Koothrapali : Yes, isn't she an amazing actress?
Sheldon Cooper : Actually, I'd say she's a poor man's Madhuri Dixit.
Rajesh Koothrapali : [angered, Rajesh turns his head toward Sheldon] How *dare* you! Aishwarya Rai is a goddess! By comparison, Madhuri Dixit is a l-leperous prostitute!
Sheldon Cooper : [shocked] Sorry, I didn't mean to offend you. Obviously, you're not that familiar with Indian cinema.
Rajesh Koothrapali : [angrily turns his head toward Sheldon a second time]
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Penny : This is between you and me. You can't tell Leonard any of this.
Sheldon Cooper : You're asking me to keep a secret?
Penny : Yeah.
Sheldon Cooper : Well, I'm sorry, but you would have had to express that desire before revealing the secret, so that I could choose whether or not I wanted to accept the covenant of secret-keeping. You can't impose a secret on an ex-post-facto basis.
Penny : What?
Sheldon Cooper : Secret-keeping is a complicated endeavor. One has to be concerned not only about what one says, but about facial expressions, autonomic reflexes. When I try to deceive, I myself have more nervous tics than a Lyme disease research facility.
[pause]
Sheldon Cooper : It's a joke. It relies on the homonymic relationship between "tick", the blood-sucking arachnid, and "tic", the involuntary muscular contraction. I made it up myself.
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Sheldon Cooper : You must release me from my oath. I can't keep your secret, Penny. I'm going to fold like an energy-based de novo protein in conformational space... like a Renaissance triptych... like a cheap suit.
Penny : Why is it so hard for you to keep one little secret?
Sheldon Cooper : I'm constitutionally incapable. That's why I was refused clearance for a very prestigious government research fellowship at a secret military supercollider located beneath a fake agricultural station 12.5 miles southeast of Traverse City, Michigan.
[pause]
Sheldon Cooper : Which you did not hear about from me.
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Penny : Has Leonard ever been involved with someone who wasn't a braniac?
Sheldon Cooper : Well, a few years ago, he did go out with a woman who had a Ph. D. in French literature.
Penny : How is that not a braniac?
Sheldon Cooper : Well, for one thing, she was French. For another, it was literature.
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[Sheldon moves in with Koothrapali]
Sheldon Cooper : This is a very old building.
Rajesh Koothrapali : Sixty years. Used to be a watch factory.
Sheldon Cooper : Don't you worry about the residual radium from the luminous dials?
Rajesh Koothrapali : Not until now!
Sheldon Cooper : I can't believe I didn't bring my Geiger counter. I had it on my bed, and I didn't pack it.
Rajesh Koothrapali : Well, if you're not comfortable staying here, Sheldon...
Sheldon Cooper : I'm kidding! I packed it.
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Sheldon Cooper : [looking at tape of Penny kissing Leonard] Jaw clenched, no tongue access. Clearly a bad sign in human mating.
Leonard Hofstadter : It is not a bad sign!
Sheldon Cooper : Oh, please. You might as well be two iguanas with no dewlap enlargement.
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Penny : Has Leonard ever dated any regular women?
Sheldon Cooper : I assume you are not refering to digestive regularity. It has been my experience that asking that is highly inappropriate.
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Sheldon : [In a gravely voice, after being drugged by Howard] "I'm Batman!"
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Penny : I get it! Leonard has no business being involved with a waitress-slash-actress who felt so insecure that she lied to him about finishing community college.
Sheldon Cooper : Why would you lie about that?
Penny : Well, he was going on and on about this college and that grad school - and I didn't want him to think I was some kind of stupid loser.
Sheldon Cooper : You thought the opposite of stupid loser was community-college graduate?
Penny : You know, there are a lot of successful people who graduated from community college.
Sheldon Cooper : Yet you are neither.
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[Sheldon is looking for a place to stay]
Rajesh Koothrapali : You can't stay with me - I have a teeny, tiny apartment.
Sheldon Cooper : Excuse me, but isn't hosting guests an aspect of Manushya-Yajna, one of the five central religious duties or sacrifices of the Hindu house-holder?
Rajesh Koothrapali : I hate trains!
Sheldon Cooper : Don't be silly - you love trains.
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Rajesh Koothrapali : We just came from the exhibit of preserved cadavers.
Howard Wolowitz : And some of those skinless women were hot!
Sheldon Cooper : If you'll excuse me, I have to pack.
Howard Wolowitz : That's a bit of an overreaction to a little harmless necrophilia.
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Leonard Hofstadter : We went to dinner, we talked, we laughed, we kissed... Where could I have possibly gone wrong?
Howard Wolowitz : Think back, Leonard. The littlest things can set women off. Like "Hey, the waitress is hot, I bet we could get her to come home with us." Or "How much does your mom weigh? I want to know what I'm getting into."
Leonard Hofstadter : I didn't say anything like that.
Howard Wolowitz : Good, 'cause they don't work.
Rajesh Koothrapali : They also don't care for it if you stare at them and hyperventilate. Sadly, that's my home run swing.
Leonard Hofstadter : Look, everything went fine.
[unhides mini sheets]
Leonard Hofstadter : I didn't even have to refer to my impromptu conversation starters. That woman across the hall is into me.
Howard Wolowitz : Let's go to the tape.
[shows the hidden camera record]
Howard Wolowitz : Look at her reaction to the good night kiss. No change in respiration, pupils un-dilated, no flushing of the chest.
Rajesh Koothrapali : Nice close-up, by the way.
Sheldon Cooper : Interesting. Her jaws are clenched: no tongue access. Clearly a bad sign amongst mating humans.
Leonard Hofstadter : That's not a bad sign.
Sheldon Cooper : Please... You might as well have been two iguana with no dewlap enlargement.
Rajesh Koothrapali : And the worst sign of all is you're here and not there.
Leonard Hofstadter : I'm not there because I'm taking things slow; by the way, compared to you guys, approaches warp speed.
[Leaving the room]
Leonard Hofstadter : And take down that camera!
Rajesh Koothrapali : He was a lot more fun when he had no hope.
Howard Wolowitz : Give him time.
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Howard Wolowitz : Are you having a second date?
Leonard Hofstadter : No. She said we would just wing it.
Sheldon Cooper : Oh, please. Even I know that's lame.
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Howard Wolowitz : Please, I'm begging you, go to sleep.
Sheldon Cooper : I'm trying. I'm counting Catwomen.
