- Jeff: Hey, ya know, I know how you're feeling though. You're getting old. Hmm? I'm getting old. Rock and roll is getting old. Have you considered, uh... Japanese hip hop?
- Jennifer: Nobody likes a judge.
- Joey: Yeah, nobody likes a vampire either.
- Jennifer: Screw you, Joey!
- Joey: Screw me? Screw me? You're out of the band, Jennifer!
- Tyler: She's kind of the best thing about this band right now.
- Joey: Tyler!
- Tyler: I'm just saying maybe you should sleep on it.
- Sam: Oh my God, you really ate beef.
- Joey: How'd you know my name?
- Bartender: Oh, I can read your mind.
- Joey: Wow. What am I thinking right now?
- Bartender: Well, you're thinking "this bartender is crazy!"
- Joey: You're good.
- Bartender: You're afraid of being a loser for the rest of your life. Too late for you. Too late for the band. I would say you're 30 pounds of junk food and a retail job away from killing yourself. Just a guess.
- Bartender: You can't go on like that.
- Joey: You. I know what you are, you're a goddamn vampire!
- Bartender: You say that like it's a bad thing.
- Joey: You did this. All this is because of you.
- Bartender: I did nothing. I was working the bar that night. You're the one that let your girlfriend go home with a vampire.
- Joey: She's my ex-girlfriend ok.
- Bartender: I can read your mind remember?
- Joey: Piss off.
- Bartender: What are you so angry about? You got your industry inside showcase gig. You seem to be the only one that's not enjoying it.
- Joey: Well it's complicated.
- Bartender: Hey, all you have to do is live your dream. Go rock and roll. Go kick some ass.
- Joey: I will I'm just uh...
- Bartender: Scared.
- Joey: Yeah I'm scared alright. Ya happy?
- Bartender: I am not happy. I am vampire. I'm only happy when something dies.
- Joey: That's supposed to make me feel better?
- Bouncer: What's with the flashlight?
- Eddie Van Helsing: I don't like talking about it. I'm afraid of the dark.
- Bouncer: Cool. I'm afraid of confined spaces and water fountains.
- Eddie Van Helsing: Um, will you let me in?
- Bouncer: Yeah, sure, go right ahead.
- Eddie Van Helsing: Great. Nice talking to ya.
- Bouncer: Yeah. It's very confined in there.
- Hugo: I had dream where you were like, a monster.
- Jennifer: Monster? Hugo that's silly I'm not a monster. I'm the master. And you have a lot of cleaning up to do.
- Hugo: What?
- Jennifer: Stop screaming.
- Hugo: You're going to eat Hugo?
- Jennifer: No. No I'm not. I'm not gonna eat Hugo, I'm gonna help Hugo, and Hugo's gonna help me. Listen it'll be fun, m'kay? And then, if you do a good job, I'll make you an immortal at the end of the tour.
- Hugo: You mean like, Hugo will live forever?
- Jennifer: Or Hugo will die in five seconds.
- Hugo: I'm going to need my hacksaw.
- Victor: Dude, let me tell you what I've learned in my many many travels. Always use a condom, never trust a goddamn vampire.