- Enid Sinclair: It's a small school. There wasn't much online about you. You should really get on Insta, Snapchat, and TikTok.
- Wednesday Addams: [deadpan] I find social media to be a soul-sucking void of meaningless affirmation.
- Wednesday Addams: [first line, narrating] I'm not sure whose twisted idea it was to put hundreds of adolescents in underfunded schools run by people whose dreams were crushed years ago... but I admire the sadism.
- Morticia Addams: That boy's family was going to file attempted murder charges. How would that have looked on your record?
- Wednesday Addams: Terrible. Everyone would know I failed to get the job done.
- Tyler Galpin: So where'd you learn those kungfu moves?
- Wednesday Addams: My uncle taught me. He spent five years in a Tibetan monastery.
- Tyler Galpin: Was he a monk?
- Wednesday Addams: Prisoner.
- Tyler Galpin: The espresso machine's having a seizure, so all we have is drip.
- Wednesday Addams: But drip is for people who hate themselves and know their lives have no real purpose or meaning.
- Enid Sinclair: Rumor's have been swirling around that you killed a kid at your old school, and that your parents pulled strings to get you off.
- Wednesday Addams: Actually it was two kids, but who's counting?
- Principal Larissa Weems: Did your mother tell you we were roommates back in the day?
- Wednesday Addams: And you graduated with your sanity intact? Impressive.
- Wednesday Addams: I'm not about to confess to my brother that I've recently been plagued by visions. They come on without warning and feel like electric shock therapy, but without the satisfying afterburn.
- Wednesday Addams: [to Enid] When I look at you the following emojis come to mind: rope, shovel, hole.
- Dr. Valerie Kinbott: I read the notes from your school counselor.
- Wednesday Addams: Mrs. Bronstein. she had a nervous breakdown after out last session and had to take a six month sabbatical.
- Dr. Valerie Kinbott: Go ahead and take a seat. How did you feel about that?
- Wednesday Addams: Vindicated.
- Wednesday Addams: [after taking a look at the Pilgrim World brochure] It takes a special kind of stupid to devote an entire theme park to zealots responsible for mass genocide.
- Wednesday Addams: Editors are short-sighted, fear-based lifeforms. One once described my writing as gratuitously morbid and suggested I seek psychiatric help.
- Dr. Valerie Kinbott: Hmm.
- Wednesday Addams: Ironic, isn't it?
- Dr. Valerie Kinbott: How did you take that?
- Wednesday Addams: I sent her a thank you.
- [Cut to editor opening a box and getting her fingers smashed in a rat trap]
- Principal Larissa Weems: Impressive. You've certainly had a very interesting educational journey. Eight schools in five years.
- Wednesday Addams: They haven't built one strong enough to hold me. I bet this place won't be any different.
- Enid Sinclair: Are you feeling okay? You look a little pale.
- Gomez Addams: Wednesday always looks half-dead.
- Tyler Galpin: Wait, you read Italian?
- Wednesday Addams: Of course. It's the native tongue of Machiavelli.
- Principal Larissa Weems: Hmm. The school has a relationship with a therapist in Jericho. She can meet twice a week.
- Gomez Addams: Did you hear that, my little storm cloud? You're in excellent hands.
- Wednesday Addams: We'll see if she survives the first session.
- Wednesday Addams: Pugsley, you're soft and weak. You'll never survive without me. I give you two months, tops.
- Pugsley Addams: I'm gonna miss you, too, sis.
- Morticia Addams: I'm told girls your age say hurtful things, and I shouldn't take it to heart.
- Wednesday Addams: Fortunately, you don't have one.
- Morticia Addams: Finally, a kind word for your mother.
- Marilyn Thornhill: I trust Enid has given you the old Nevermore welcome.
- Wednesday Addams: She's been smothering me with hospitality. I hope to return the favor. In her sleep.
- Wednesday Addams: You know the old saying, never bring a knife to a sword fight. Unless it's concealed.
- Dr. Valerie Kinbott: [in therapy] Part of this journey requires us going to uncomfortable places emotionally.
- Wednesday Addams: I don't travel well
- Tyler Galpin: Do you make a habit of scaring the hell out of people?
- Wednesday Addams: It's more of a hobby.
- Enid Sinclair: Still think you're weird as shit, though.
- Wednesday Addams: The feeling is incredibly mutual.
- Wednesday Addams: I'm not used to people engaging with me. Most see me coming and cross the street.
- Tyler Galpin: You're not scary. You're just kinda... kooky.
- Wednesday Addams: I prefer spooky.