Deadpool (2016)

Leslie Uggams: Blind Al

Photos 

Quotes 

• Blind Al : I get why you're so pissy, but your mood's never gonna brighten 'till you find this woman and tell her how you feel.

  Deadpool : What do I keep telling you, Mrs. Magoo? She wouldn't have me. If you could see me, you'd understand.

  Blind Al : Looks aren't everything.

  Deadpool : Looks ARE everything! Ever heard Dave Beckham speak? It's like he mouth-sexed a can of helium. You think Ryan Reynolds got this far on a superior acting method?

  Blind Al : Love is blind, Wade.

  Deadpool : No. You're blind.

  Blind Al : So you're just gonna lie there and whimper?

  Deadpool : No, I'm gonna wait 'till this arm plows through puberty, and then I'll come up with a whole new Christmas day plan.

• Blind Al : Why such a douche this morning?

  Wade Wilson : Let's recap: the cock-thistle that turned me into this freak slipped through my arms today... arm... Catching him was my only chance to be hot again, get my super sexy ex back and prevent this shit from happening to someone else, so yeah, today was about as much fun as a sandpaper dildo.

• Deadpool : How's the Kullen coming along? Ikea doesn't assemble itself, you know.

  Blind Al : You're telling me. I don't mind the Kullen. It's an improvement on the Hurdal.

  Deadpool : Please. Anything's an improvement over the Hurdal. I'd have taken a Hemnes or a Trysil over a Hurdal.

  [sighs] 

  Deadpool : No, I didn't get excited until I saw the Kullen.

  Blind Al : Screw, please.

  Deadpool : Here? Now? Just kidding. I know it's been decades.

  Blind Al : You'd be surprised.

  Deadpool : Pretty grossed out.

• Blind Al : [as Deadpool washes his clothes]  Use seltzer water and lemon juice for blood. Or wear red, dumbass!

• Wade Wilson : [Blind Al appears in the doorway holding an AUG A1 rifle]  Hey, hey, careful with that, Ronnie Milsap! We're down range!

  Blind Al : I was gonna spend the night assembling the Borje, but this is holding my interest.

  Wade Wilson : I told you, we're going with the Urvaj, not the Borje. Get it through your head or get out of fuck town!

  Blind Al : Shit!

• [frustrated with Deadpool after her IKEA furniture collapses] 

  Blind Al : I wish I'd never heard of Craigslist.

  Deadpool : And I quote: "Looking for roommate. Blind to life's imperfections. Must be good with hands." Or would you rather *I* build furniture and you pay rent?

• Blind Al : God, I miss cocaine.

• Blind Al : [holds Wade's regenerating hand]  Am I crazy, or is your hand really small?

  Deadpool : About the size of a KFC spork.

• Wade Wilson : It reeks like old lady pants in here.

  Blind Al : Well, I am old and I wear pants.

  Wade Wilson : But you are not at all woman.