Royal Pains (TV Series)
Pilot (2009)
Mark Feuerstein: Hank Lawson
Photos
Quotes
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Dr. Hank Lawson : [looking at the not-so-grand hotel where they're going to stay] Fit for a king, huh?
Evan Lawson : Uh, I didn't say which country.
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[to a model who's flirting with him at the party]
Hank Lawson : I have no money, no job, and my Saab is older than you.
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Hank Lawson : [noticing the wealth of Tucker's residence] And who is "Dad?"
Tucker Bryant : Uh, Marshall David Bryant IV.
Hank Lawson : Never heard of him.
Tucker Bryant : Yeah, uh, well, that's 'cause this is my great-grandfather's money he spends, collecting all those toys.
Hank Lawson : Who's your great-grandfather?
Tucker Bryant : Uh, Marshall David Bryant II.
Hank Lawson : Never hear of him either.
Tucker Bryant : Ever use a blender?
Hank Lawson : Yeah.
Tucker Bryant : You're welcome.
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Hank Lawson : You really came prepared.
Divya : Core wound care, home diagnostics, infusion I.V.
Hank Lawson : Why does a P.A. drive around with them in her trunk?
Divya : Well, they were on sale.
Hank Lawson : Divya.
Divya : Look, I want to show you all I can bring to the table. I mean, besides my work ethic, my knowledge of the Hamptons, my relationships with the locals...
Evan Lawson : [interrupts] Your superbly well-toned figure.
Divya : Don't objectify me, sidekick.
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Libby : Please, Hank, you have to save him. It's Tucker.
Hank Lawson : [thoughtful] Okay, I need a bottle of Vodka, a very sharp pointed knife, a... a Bic pen, a sandwich baggie and some duct tape.
Libby : Sandwich baggie, duct tape. Who are you? MacGuyver?
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Ms. Newberg : I've got a flat tire.
Hank Lawson : Okay, I'm not Triple A.
Ms. Newberg : [exasperated that he doesn't catch on] No!
[opens her coat]
Ms. Newberg : A flat TIRE!
Hank Lawson : [short delay] Oh...
Divya Katdare : ...Dear.
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Evan Lawson : What's my favorite sport, Hank?
Dr. Hank Lawson : Extreme social climbing?
Evan Lawson : [brief pause] Yeah. Yeah.
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Evan Lawson : Bro, this is where God would party.
Dr. Hank Lawson : [trying to speak over the noise] If he could get in.
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Boris Kuester von Jurgens-Ratenicz : Life isn't always simple.
Dr. Hank Lawson : Well, death is.
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Hank Lawson : Trip? What trip?
Evan Lawson : Are you kidding? To the Hamptons! I've been telling you about this all month.
Hank Lawson : Yeah, and all month I've been saying "No way."
Evan Lawson : I thought you meant no way like "No WAY!"
Hank Lawson : I haven't meant it that way since I was ten.
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Hank Lawson : Why would I want to spend tonight partying with a bunch of people whose biggest problems revolve around whether or not to send their Yorkshire terriers to therapy, huh? Give me one decent reason.
Evan Lawson : I'm gonna give you two. You're all out of booze.
Hank Lawson : Oh.
Evan Lawson : Two, Netflix froze your account.
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Hank Lawson : Ms. Newberg, you're in a hospital.
Ms. Newberg : No, this is not a hospital.
Hank Lawson : It's not?
Ms. Newberg : It's a socialist conspiracy. Apparently, if you're not holding your dismembered leg in your hand, you don't require treatment.
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Evan Lawson : Come to the party, okay? Come on. It's an evening with New Parts Newberg. Like, how exclusive does THAT sound?
Hank Lawson : Consider me excluded.
Evan Lawson : What're you gonna do here?
Hank Lawson : Relax. Think.
Evan Lawson : Okay, cool, well, think hard - or not too hard. Whatever's better for me. But just so you know, as your brother and accountant...
Hank Lawson : Get out or you'll cease to be either one.
Evan Lawson : Bam. I love ya.
Hank Lawson : I like you.
Evan Lawson : [exiting] Have fun with your thoughts.
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Boris : [after Hank tries to get someone to call 911] No paramedics.
Dr. Hank Lawson : You mean no cops.
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Dr. Hank Lawson : Yeah, man plans, God laughs.
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N.Y. Hospital Administrator : [as she delivers the verdict] ... and your star was only on the rise.
Dr. Hank Lawson : Was?
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[a couple of pretty girls pass by]
Evan Lawson : How are ya?
Dr. Hank Lawson : [semi-appalled] Dude, they can't even vote.
Evan Lawson : What?... What?
Dr. Hank Lawson : It's just wrong.
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Dr. Hank Lawson : [to Libby] You're just a cyberchondriac - a rabid cyberchondriac, I'm afraid - but, uh, it's nothing that'll kill you.
Tucker Bryant : [stifles a laugh; Libby looks at him] Sorry.
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Evan Lawson : Honestly, it smells so bad... It smells like a moose had sex with a bucket of Chinese food in here, like musty... and you kind of look like Jesus and Patrick Dempsey had a child, and that child grew older and then got really sick.
Dr. Hank Lawson : That's weird.
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Hospital Administrator : Well, bad luck rained and poured, didn't it, while you had our senior CT surgeon in another room?
Hank Lawson : To help me rescue a crashing patient. I made a judgment call.
Hospital Administrator : You made a mistake. A fatal one.
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Nikki : I think we need to postpone.
Hank Lawson : I'll see your postponement and raise you.
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Hank Lawson : [noticing Tucker's limp] You know what? Let me have a look at that leg.
Tucker Bryant : Oh, no. I'm solid, man. I'm just a bit banged up, but what would be mighty fine of you is if we could keep this whole little episode on the DL?
Hank Lawson : [laughs] You don't think Dad'll notice the, uh, Ferrari Challenge out front that looks like it's been through your great-grandfather's invention?
Tucker Bryant : Uh, no. He's at his San-Tropez beach house for the next ten days. I have plenty of time.
Hank Lawson : That's a half-million-dollar piece of hand-assembled machinery. Ten days is plenty of time to repair it?
Tucker Bryant : No, not repair it, replace it.
Hank Lawson : Aren't there, like, seventy in the world?
Tucker Bryant : Uh, yeah, but I only need to buy one. Look, what Dad doesn't know won't hurt him, and you can't really put a price on not hurting your old man, right? I mean, this is what trust funds are for.
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Hank Lawson : I guess we can leave the toys in the car. Evan, that includes you!
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Divya : Offer to pay him generously.
Hank Lawson : Divya.
Divya : He needs the money.
Ms. Newberg : I'll pay any amount.
Hank Lawson : That's not the point.
Ms. Newberg : I'll pay enough money to make it the point.