- Professor Crawley: Of course I can. I can identify every insect and arachnid on the planet. Not that that's going to keep me from having to move in with my daughter in Oxnard. And we're not talking Oxnard at the beach. No! We're talking Oxnard in the onion fields.
- Professor Crawley: It's a field cricket.
- Howard Wolowitz: Yes!
- Sheldon: No, wait. Dr. Crawley, are you sure?
- Professor Crawley: Young man, I've been studying insects since I was eight years old. You know what they used to call me in school? "Creepy Crawley"!
- Sheldon: Cruel as that may be, that is not in itself a credential.
- Professor Crawley: Let me show you something. You see that?
- [showing them a beetle in a tank]
- Professor Crawley: That's a Crawley's Dung Beetle. I discovered it after spending six months slogging through the Bornean rain forests, while my wife was back home shacking up with a two-bit ornithologist who lives on a sailboat and likes to wear boot-cut jeans. So when I tell you that that's a common field cricket, you can take that to the damn bank, 'cause god knows I can't! That tramp took me for everything!
- Sheldon: [awkward silence] Well, apparently I was wrong.
- Rajesh Koothrappali: [as they look for the cricket] I wonder what the non-pathetic people are doing tonight?
- Sheldon Cooper: What was that?
- Rajesh Koothrappali: My stomach. Indian food doesn't agree with me. Ironic, isn't it?
- Sheldon Cooper: [to Raj] Interesting. You're afraid of insects and women. Ladybugs must render you catatonic.
- [Raj stares at Sheldon]
- Sheldon Cooper: That was a joke. I made it to lessen your discomfort.
- [Raj still stares]
- Sheldon Cooper: You're welcome.
- Howard Wolowitz: Tell you what; I'm willing to bet ANYTHING, that's an ordinary field cricket.
- Sheldon: I can't take your money.
- Howard Wolowitz: What's the matter? You chicken?
- Sheldon: I've always found that an inappropriate slur. Chickens are not, by nature, at all timid. In fact, when I was young, my neighbor's chicken got loose and chased me up the big elm tree in front of our house.
- Rajesh Koothrappali: Chickens can't climb trees.
- Sheldon: Thank God.
- Howard Wolowitz: Okay.
- [Holds hands up in surrender]
- Howard Wolowitz: I believe a chicken made you his bitch.
- Leonard Hofstadter: It's just that the sex was not the way I dreamt it would be.
- Howard Wolowitz: Hell, sex is never the way I dreamed.
- Rajesh Koothrappali: That's because in your dreams, you're a horse from the waist down.
- Leonard Hofstadter: What are we drinking now?
- Penny: Peppermint schnapps.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Why would you buy peppermint schnapps?
- Penny: Because I like peppermint, and it's fun to say "schnapps". Hey, Leonard?
- Leonard Hofstadter: What?
- Penny: Schnapps!
- Leonard Hofstadter: Schnapps... You're right, that *is* fun.
- Professor Crawley: I haven't even packed yet, and you're already measuring my lab for one of your godless laser machines.
- Howard Wolowitz: No, you don't understand. We just want to ask you a question.
- Professor Crawley: Let me ask you one first. What's a world renowned entomologist with a doctorate and 20 years of experience to do with his life when the university cuts off the funding for his lab, huh?
- Rajesh Koothrappali: Ask rhetorical questions that make people uncomfortable?
- Leonard Hofstadter: We don't have to have sex every night.
- Howard Wolowitz: You don't, but it's highly recomended.
- Sheldon Cooper: Did I cross a line?
- Rajesh Koothrappali: Of course. You...
- Howard Wolowitz: No, let him figure it out by himself.
- Sheldon Cooper: I know! It was inappropiate of me to discuss Leonard and Penny's sex life in front of them. Right?
- [Howard points to his nose]
- Sheldon Cooper: Good. Now I can eat.
- Howard Wolowitz: [a cricket chirps] What was that?
- Sheldon Cooper: Hold on.
- [Looks at watch while cricket chirps]
- Sheldon Cooper: That is a snowy tree cricket.
- Howard Wolowitz: How can you tell?
- Sheldon Cooper: In 1890, Emile Dolbear determined that there was a fixed relationship between the number of chirps per minute of the snowy tree cricket and the ambient temperature; a precise relationship that is not present with ordinary field crickets.
- Rajesh Koothrappali: And how do you know what the ambient room temperature is?
- Sheldon Cooper: According to our agreement, I have unilateral control over the thermostat since the sweaty night in '06.
- Howard Wolowitz: No, you're misunderstanding. A shiksa goddess isn't an actual goddess. You don't pray *to* them, we prey *on* them.
- Rajesh Koothrappali: Whatever, dude. The point is, Leonard's got one and you don't.
- Professor Crawley: No, don't bother knocking! Come right in! Why show courtesy to the world's leading expert on the dung beetle?
- Howard Wolowitz: Don't push me, Sheldon. I may be small, but I took kung fu when I was thirteen and I remember a good deal of it!
- Sheldon: Oh, really? Well, I grew up with an older brother and a very contentious twin sister, and I believe I could easily best you in any physical confrontation, be it noogies, swirlies, or the classic "Why are you hitting yourself?"
- Rajesh Koothrappali: Ooh. Big talk from a man who was once treed by a chicken.
- Rajesh Koothrappali: [as Sheldon descends down the elevator shaft] Be careful.
- Sheldon Cooper: If I were not being careful, you telling me to be careful would not make me careful.
- Howard Wolowitz: [Opens book] There we are, the common field cricket. Gryllus assimilis, which is Latin for "Suck it, you lose!"
- Sheldon Cooper: Hang on.
- [Leafs through book]
- Sheldon Cooper: Voila! The snowy tree cricket. Oceanthus fultoni, which is Latin for "I'll suck nothing." Of course, I'm joking, because the Latin for that is "Nihil exsorbibo".
- Professor Crawley: What's your deal? Are they planning to outsource my job to Bangalore?
- Rajesh Koothrappali: I'm from New Delhi.
- Penny: Had a little wine, take the edge off.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Actually, ethyl alcohol inhibits electrical conduction in the nerve cells and stimulates reuptake receptors of inhibitory neurotransmitters like gamma-aminobutyric acid.
- Leonard Hofstadter: [sighs] God, I had the most horrible night.
- Sheldon: What happened? Obviously another carnal fiasco with the "shiksi" goddess.
- Howard Wolowitz: Shiksa. Shiksa. Shik-sa.
- Sheldon: Forgive me. Yiddish was not spoken in East Texas. And if it was, it wasn't spoken for long.
- Howard Wolowitz: Yeah, fine, whatever. The point is you're wrong, again.
- Sheldon: We haven't established that I'm wrong once.
- Penny: [seeing Leonard throwing up in the toilet] Oh, sweetie, you really can't hold your liquor, can you?
- Leonard Hofstadter: I'm okay. Just a little mouthwash, and then I'm gonna rock your world.
- [Penny starts throwing up in the sink]
- Leonard Hofstadter: Are you okay?
- [sees her throwing up, then goes back to throwing up himself]
- Howard Wolowitz: Sheldon, you're wrong! Wolverine was not born with bone claws.
- Sheldon: Howard, you know me to be a very smart man. Don't you think if I were wrong, I'd know it?
- Howard Wolowitz: First of all...
- Rajesh Koothrappali: Give it up, dude. You're arguing with a crazy person.
- Penny: What did you tell them?
- Leonard Hofstadter: Nothing bad. Just that last night was fine.
- Penny: Fine? You said it was fine?
- Leonard Hofstadter: Yeah. It's a perfectly good word. You put it in front of "wine" or "dining" and you've really got something. Okay, well, let me ask you this, how was last night for you?
- Penny: It was... okay.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Okay?
- Penny: Yeah, it's a perfectly good word. I mean, you put it in front of "dokay" and you really got something. All right, let's not overreact. It takes time to get to know each other's rhythms. Learn what the other person wants and likes.