- Jeff Winger: I'm locked out of my old kingdom. You're not. You see what I'm saying?
- Troy Barnes: You're saying I could be a lawyer.
- Jeff Winger: I'm saying you're a football player! It's in your blood!
- Troy Barnes: That's racist.
- Jeff Winger: Your soul!
- Troy Barnes: That's racist.
- Jeff Winger: Your eyes?
- Troy Barnes: That's gay?
- Jeff Winger: That's homophobic.
- Troy Barnes: That's black.
- Jeff Winger: That's racist!
- Troy Barnes: ...Damn!
- Abed Nadir: Will they or won't they? Sexual tension.
- Jeff Winger: Abed, it makes the group uncomfortable when you talk about us like we're characters in a show you're watching.
- Abed Nadir: Well, that's sort of my gimmick. But we did lean on it pretty hard last week. I can lay low for an episode.
- Annie Edison: Troy, I've been waiting for an hour!
- Troy: It's all right, I'm worth it. Hip, hop, body don't stop, Riverside got the broom, don't need a mop. Put your team in a box, put a ribbon on top, we're not John Kerry 'cause we don't flip flop. Say ohhh...
- Annie Edison: Troy. Why are you doing our politically conservative high school's shamefully outdated fight rap?
- Jeff Winger: This decision has to be yours, T-Bone. And this decision has to be yes.
- Troy: How did you know my nickname was T-Bone?
- Jeff Winger: Because you're a football player and your name begins with "T." Your name... begins... with "T."
- Pierce Hawthorne: I think if we add in a little Phylicia Rashad, we'll be in better shape.
- Dean Pelton: Yeah, you're right. That beige is a little light.
- Jeff Winger: Um... Wow.
- Dean Pelton: Yeah. Yeah. We are developing the perfect mascot. No stereotypical identifiers from any race or gender.
- Pierce Hawthorne: You see, Jeff, this is a chart of the features we're staying away from: Pan-Asian eye folds, uh, Irish chins, women's breasts.
- Jeff Winger: Is that Seal?
- Dean Pelton: Oh, that is our human color wheel. It goes from Seal to Seal's teeth.
- Pierce Hawthorne: What do you think?
- Jeff Winger: I think not being racist is the new racism.
- Jeff Winger: I just think we were both wrong.
- Annie Edison: Really? Because I'm an 18-year-old girl, and you made me cry in public.
- Jeff Winger: Okay, maybe I was a little more wrong.
- Dean Pelton: [blackmailing Jeff] Oh! Goodness. Look what we've stumbled on to, an opportunity to help each other out. I suppose I wouldn't need this promotional campaign if I could announce to the press that Troy Barnes is playing football here.
- Jeff Winger: I think he's been pretty clear about declining that offer.
- Dean Pelton: I think if you said "Jump", he'd say "How high?". If you said "Stop", he'd say "Hammer time!".
- Jeff Winger: Dean! I'm sure Troy will sign up for football if and when an accident damages the part of his brain that feels pride.
- Annie Edison: Aha! I've been following you... How much did Dean pay to make Troy play football?
- Jeff Winger: I'm not having a conversation with someone who emerges from a bush.
- Annie Edison: Because I'm right?
- Jeff Winger: No, because I'm not in a commercial for breakfast cereal.
- Jeff Winger: Maybe you and I should check out the Greendale Thunder Dome.
- [Cut to Jeff and Troy at a bare-bones football field]
- Jeff Winger: The dome arrives later. It comes with thunder.
- [Abed and Troy are playing with the PA system]
- Abed Nadir: Announcement number one: All announcements will be cool starting right now.
- Troy: Announcement number two: Butt soup.
- Abed Nadir: Announcement number three: I am not Hadji from "Jonny Quest", Jeff Winger.
- Troy: On security news, you guys gotta start locking the dean's door, so guys like us don't get in.
- Dean Pelton: Troy, did you know that Greendale has a football team?
- Jeff Winger: Did you know they had a football?
- Pierce Hawthorne: Gentlemen, I present to you the Greendale Human Being.
- Jeff Winger: That's a falcon with a gun.
- [Pierce turns the drawing on its side]
- Jeff Winger: Now it's a falcon with an erection.
- Annie Edison: [Holding a sign that says 'Deploy Troy!'] They deploy things in football, right? I went for rhyme over clarity.
- Britta Perry: Fine, if it's important to Shirley, I'll go with her next time. I'm willing to try some more mainstream feminine stuff.
- Jeff Winger: Well, then you should know, nothing says 'I'm a woman!' like doing it with me.
- Jeff Winger: For instance, after the dean talked to you about football, you and I were thinking the same thing.
- Troy: [Face lights up] That dude looks like Moby!
- Jeff Winger: We were thinking "What if Troy *did* play for Greendale?". You'd be surprised how many of your favorite football players started at community college.
- Troy: Really. Name one.
- Jeff Winger: Who's your favorite football player?
- Troy: Me.
- [Face changes to an astonished look]
- Troy: Whoa!
- Jeff Winger: Let me tell you. little secret about me Troy. Every day on my way to school, I drive through downtown past the courthouse. Just to get a glimpse of the world I once ruled. And I just want to jump out of my car, run up the steps and... exploit the legal system for profit. But I can't, I'm locked out of my old kingdom. You're not. See what I'm saying?
- Troy: [Nods, gets a faraway look in his eyes] You're saying I could be a lawyer.
- Jeff Winger: I'm saying you're a football player; it's in your blood.
- Troy: That's racist.
- Jeff Winger: Your soul.
- Troy: *That's* racist.
- Jeff Winger: Your eyes?
- Troy: That's gay?
- Jeff Winger: That's homophobic.
- Troy: That's black.
- Jeff Winger: That's racist.
- Troy: Damn!
- Annie Edison: And what does a star turn into after it collapses?
- Jeff Winger: A movie of the week.
- Troy Barnes: A black hole.
- Annie Edison: Right. Troy, you could be an astronomer.
- Pierce Hawthorne: As far as I'm concerned, there's only one black hole worth studying.
- [everyone stops and stares at Pierce]
- Pierce Hawthorne: It's called Sagittarius A. It's located in the center of our galaxy and it has the density of 40 suns.
- [Jeff holds up one finger to signal 'wait for it']
- Pierce Hawthorne: Just like my wiener.
- Troy Barnes: Troy: Ha-ha. You said "wiener." That's funny.
- Abed Nadir: Pierce and Troy didn't get along at first but now they're bonding through mutual adolescence.
- Pierce Hawthorne, Troy Barnes: Shut up, fart head. Will you shut up, poo-poo head?
- Shirley Bennett: That is the ladies' room, Britta, a place where ladies go to share, listen, support each other and... discreetly eliminate waste. And I like you too. Even like that you're a little hard. But if you can't learn to be soft in there, you need to pee alone.
- Britta Perry: I've peed alone my whole life. Women have always hated me. I don't even know how it started. Maybe it was when I got boobs before everyb...
- Shirley Bennett: Shh, shh, shh. Not out here.
- [pointing her eyes to the ladies' room]
- Shirley Bennett: In there.