- [Sheldon is helping Penny get dressed without looking]
- Penny: Now, you gotta help me get my arm into the sleeve.
- Sheldon Cooper: Okay.
- Penny: Is that my arm?
- Sheldon Cooper: It doesn't feel like an arm.
- Penny: Then maybe you should let it go.
- Sheldon Cooper: [pause] All righty.
- Sheldon Cooper: We have to fill these out. "Describe illness or injury."
- Penny: I dislocated my shoulder.
- Sheldon Cooper: All right. And how did the accident occur?
- Penny: You already know that.
- Sheldon Cooper: Cause of accident: Lack of adhesive ducks. Okay, medical history. Have you ever been diagnosed with diabetes?
- Penny: No.
- Sheldon Cooper: Kidney disease?
- Penny: No.
- Sheldon Cooper: Migraines?
- Penny: Getting one.
- Sheldon Cooper: Are you currently pregnant?
- Penny: No!
- Sheldon Cooper: Are you sure? You look a bit puffy.
- Penny: Change migraine to "yes."
- Sheldon Cooper: When was your last menstrual period?
- Penny: [in a disgusted tone] Oh, next question.
- Sheldon Cooper: I'll put "in progress." Okay, turning to psychiatric disorders, list all major behavioral diagnoses, e.g. depression, anxiety etc.
- Penny: Oh my God! What the hell does this have to do with my stupid shoulder?
- Sheldon Cooper: Episodes of sub-psychotic rage.
- Penny: Ass!
- Sheldon Cooper: Possible Tourette's. All right, "moles, lesions, or other skin conditions." Soup tattoo on right buttock.
- [last lines]
- Rajesh Koothrappali: And the next morning, when he woke up, he rolled over and realized... don, don, don... she was his cousin.
- [Leonard and Raj laugh hysterically]
- Howard Wolowitz: That's still not funny.
- Rajesh Koothrappali: [mimicking Howard] That's still not funny.
- [they laugh even harder]
- Howard Wolowitz: And she was my *second* cousin.
- Rajesh Koothrappali: And she was my *second* cousin.
- [more laughing]
- Howard Wolowitz: You're a real douche.
- Rajesh Koothrappali: Who cares! You slept with your *cousin*!
- [Leonard and Raj laugh hysterically again]
- Sheldon Cooper: Now, where is the switch to adjust the passenger-side mirror?
- Penny: It's right there.
- Sheldon Cooper: Where is the passenger-side mirror?
- Penny: In a parking lot in Hollywood.
- Sheldon Cooper: While we have a moment, may I ask you a question?
- Penny: What?
- Sheldon Cooper: Why do you have the Chinese character for soup tattooed on your right buttock?
- Penny: It's not 'soup', it's 'courage'.
- Sheldon Cooper: No it isn't. But I suppose it does take courage to demonstrate that kind of commitment to soup.
- Penny: How'd you see it? You said you wouldn't look.
- Sheldon Cooper: Sorry. As I told you, the hero always peeks.
- Penny: Sing Soft Kitty to me.
- Sheldon Cooper: Soft Kitty is for when you're sick. You're not sick.
- Penny: Injured and drugged is a kind of sick.
- Penny: Sheldon, look, I am scared and in a lot of pain. Could you please take a break from being you for just a minute and try being... I don't know... comforting?
- Rajesh Koothrappali: If I could speak the language of rabbits, they would be amazed and I would be their king.
- Leonard Hofstadter: I hate my name. It has "nerd" in it. Len-nerd.
- Howard Wolowitz: I lost my virginity to my cousin Jeannie.
- Rajesh Koothrappali: I would be kind to my rabbit subjects... at first.
- Leonard Hofstadter: You know what's a cool name? Angelo. That has "angel" and "jello" in it.
- Howard Wolowitz: It was my uncle Murray's funeral. We were all back at my aunt Barbara's house. Our eyes locked over the pickled herring. We never meant for it to happen!
- Rajesh Koothrappali: One day, I hold a great ball for the President of France, but the rabbits they hate me and don't come. I'm embarrassed so I eat all the lettuce in the world and make them watch.
- Leonard Hofstadter: People could call me Angie. Yo, Angie! How's it goin'?
- Howard Wolowitz: To this day, I can't look at pickled herring without being aroused and ashamed.
- [sighs]
- Howard Wolowitz: Cousin Jeannie.
- Leonard Hofstadter: I can feel it. I can feel the Earth moving! It's moving too fast! Raj! Slow it down!
- [Raj strains]
- Rajesh Koothrappali: Okay, how's that?
- Leonard Hofstadter: Better. Thanks.
- Sheldon Cooper: [over the phone] And good evening to you, Siam Palace. This is Sheldon Cooper. Yeah, I'm going to be dining alone this evening, so I'll be reducing my usual order. I'd like to start with one quarter of the assorted appetizers plate, and one half of the Golden Treasure for two...
- Sheldon Cooper: [pauses and listens for a second] Oh for heaven's sake. In the mid 18th century, King Rama the Fourth of Siam divided a huge empire amongst the colonial powers of Europe in order to preserve his throne. Surely you, his cultural descendant, can handle Pad Thai and dumplings!
- Leonard Hofstadter: I wish Penny didn't have to work; she loves camping.
- Rajesh Koothrappali: Yeah, that would've been great: you and Penny having sex in the tent while I sit out here and watch Howard hump a cactus.
- Penny: I slipped in the shower and I think I dislocated my shoulder.
- Sheldon Cooper: Not surprising. You have no safety mat or adhesive stickers to allow for purchase on a surface with a low coefficient of static friction.
- Penny: What?
- Sheldon Cooper: Tubs are slippery.
- Howard Wolowitz: Too bad Sheldon couldn't come with us.
- Rajesh Koothrappali: Yeah, it's just not the same without him.
- [Leonard, Rajesh and Howard break up laughing]
- [first lines]
- Howard Wolowitz: How much time do we have?
- Leonard Hofstadter: Uh, T minus five hours thirty-seven minutes to onset of meteor shower.
- Rajesh Koothrappali: Okay, our position is thirty-four point forty-eight degrees north, a hundred and eighteen point thirty-one west; that means the azimuth should be a hundred and sixty-eight point twenty-two degrees relative to magnetic north with an elevation of forty-nine point nighty-three.
- Howard Wolowitz: Anything yet?
- Leonard Hofstadter: Uh, we have a signal but there's no frame lock.
- Howard Wolowitz: Hang on. How 'bout... now?
- Rajesh Koothrappali: We did it. We have the west coast feed of HBO.
- Howard Wolowitz: Mmm, Real Sex.
- Rajesh Koothrappali: Big deal. Every time I watch that show it's old women putting condoms on cucumbers.
- Sheldon Cooper: Mother always told me one should wear clean underpants in case one is in an accident.
- Howard Wolowitz: Okay, the best I can tell, there are eight other campsites nearby. Mostly science nerds like us, but just over yon ridge are two not unattractive middle-school teachers who reek of desperation.
- Rajesh Koothrappali: Wonderful. How old are they?
- Howard Wolowitz: I don't know, 50, 55?
- Rajesh Koothrappali: Oh, menopause. Heh. Nature's birth control.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Come on. You guys can't be that hard up.
- Penny: Warp speed, Mr. Spock.
- Sheldon Cooper: Mr. Spock did not pilot the Enterprise. He was a science officer. And I guarantee you that if he ever saw the Enterprise's check engine light blinking, he would pull the ship over immediately.