- Leslie Knope: And finally, we are gonna kick off the children's concert series this weekend with a performance by Freddy Spaghetti.
- April Ludgate: I thought Freddy Spaghetti OD'd.
- Leslie Knope: No, that's Mr. Funnynoodle. And he didn't OD, his drummer shot him.
- April Ludgate: Oh.
- Leslie Knope: Where's Jerry, by the way? Why isn't he back? How long does it take to fill birdfeeders?
- Donna Meagle: Maybe he fell into the toilet. Remember when he fell into the toilet?
- April Ludgate: Oh, sorry you guys. Sorry I'm late, I got confused and took a shower after I got dressed because I'm Jerry.
- Ron Swanson: [in confessional] David Myers, the Jewish guy who works at City Hall, once told me something: a schlemiel is the guy who spills soup at a fancy party. A schlimazel is the guy he spills it on. Jerry is both the schlemiel and the schlimazel of our office.
- Jerry Gergich: They can laugh at me all they want. Because two more years until I retire with full benefits and pension, and my wife and I, we have bought a little cottage on a lake, and I am gonna get myself a stack of mystery novels, a box of cigars, and I am gonna sit back and enjoy my life.
- Ron Swanson: Welcome to the emergency self-defense class. I'll be showing you how to escape from a variety of situations while inflicting maximum damage on your attackers.
- Andy Dwyer: Ron, do you think that maybe I should put Mark in a headlock? That way, I can show everyone how to escape a pervert?
- Mark Brendanawicz: In the scenario you just laid out, you're the pervert. You understand that, right?
- Andy Dwyer: You wish.
- Leslie Knope: I feel like we're responsible for this.
- April Ludgate: Why? We didn't mug Jerry.
- Leslie Knope: Well, why was he in the park in the first place?
- Tom Haverford: Because we tricked him into going there. I don't see the connection.
- Leslie Knope: I don't know. This is on us. It's karma.
- Tom Haverford: Wouldn't it be karma if we were the ones that got mugged?
- April Ludgate: Yeah. That's how pathetic Jerry is. He can't even get karma right.
- [All laugh]
- Leslie Knope: No, that's not funny.
- Carl Lorthner: So! You're too important for me until one of your own gets attacked.
- Leslie Knope: I just feel like there's more we can do to keep the parks safe.
- Carl Lorthner: Oh, you think you know how to do my job? Well, you might not be so confident once you walked a mile in my size sevens.
- [puts his foot on desk]
- Leslie Knope: Kind of small feet.
- Tom Haverford: Actually, seven is the worldwide average.
- Carl Lorthner: Boom!