- Troy Barnes: Hey, you don't get to talk to me like that! You are not Shirley! And - Shirley's not my mom!
- [Troy works on a crossword puzzle]
- Troy Barnes: Broadway musical, five letters.
- Abed Nadir: Annie.
- Troy Barnes: Six letters, to penetrate.
- Abed Nadir: Pierce.
- Troy Barnes: Water filter, starts with "B".
- Abed Nadir: Britta.
- Troy Barnes: Four letters, Helen of...
- Abed Nadir: Troy.
- Troy Barnes: Four letters, one of acting brothers Bridges.
- Abed Nadir: Hmmm, that's a tough one. What could it be? What could it be?
- Jeff Winger: Guys? Don't you see? It's Beau! They're all things you can see on T.V. "Pierce" was a misdirect.
- Jeff Winger: The biggest truths aren't original. The truth is ketchup. It's Jim Belushi. Its job isn't to blow our minds. It's to be within reach, and the truth is, I get claustrophobic when things get official.
- Professor Michelle Slater: I didn't want or need anything more than what we were doing.
- Jeff Winger: Great. Let's get back to it.
- Professor Michelle Slater: Oh, but I can't, because you went to the friend zone. That's you getting official, not me. Because unless there's something I need to know about the lunch lady or the blonde in your study group with the infinite supply of leather jackets, somewhere between our 8th and 11th time having sex, most people, statistically speaking, would say we're more than just pals.
- Jeff Winger: Yes, but once you say it, things can get messy and complicated.
- Professor Michelle Slater: How?
- Jeff Winger: Because once you say it, later you might have to unsay it.
- Professor Michelle Slater: Whoopdie-freakin'-ding, Winger. It happens 5 million times a day. It's the Jim Belushi of sexual commitments. It barely means anything and it grows on what's there over time.
- Jeff Winger: Boy, this guy's really taking a pounding in this conversation.
- Jeff Winger: This is based on hearsay. Less than hearsay: Pierce's Twitter account, which says he is forty and runs a women-only pilates class.
- Abed Nadir: This is like being told you're our new mother.
- Professor Michelle Slater: But you know it's nothing like that?
- Abed Nadir: Do you cook macaroni?
- Professor Michelle Slater: I have.
- Abed Nadir: Macaroni's my favorite.
- Pierce Hawthorne: Troy, what you did took guts. I'm impressed.
- Troy Barnes: Thanks Pierce.
- Pierce Hawthorne: And such a creative way to tell the world you're gay.
- Shirley Bennett: What is it about being a single white slacker that makes you people so jaded?
- Britta Perry: Ooh, you people? What do you mean "you people"? I cannot believe I got to say that.
- Shirley Bennett: It's the little things, isn't it?
- Britta Perry: Troy and I have something we'd like to tell you.
- [takes Troy's hand]
- Annie Edison: [gasps]
- Britta Perry: Oh, no, no.
- Britta Perry: [about Pierce] Where is he? I have not seen him around all day.
- Annie Edison: [Concerned] I haven't either.
- Jeff Winger: Has anyone called him?
- Abed Nadir: I did. Several times, actually. But he never returned my calls.
- Shirley Bennett: Oh, no.
- Troy Barnes: Oh. The last thing I said to him was, "Suck it".
- Britta Perry: Me too.
- Pierce Hawthorne: [Walks in] Good morning.
- [They all sigh in relief]
- Pierce Hawthorne: You thought I was dead, didn't you?
- Britta Perry, Annie Edison, Jeff Winger, Shirley Bennett, Troy Barnes: No!
- Abed Nadir: I did.
- Pierce Hawthorne: Do you people have any idea how emasculating that is? I'm not Mickey Rooney. You don't have to cross your fingers to see if I'll show up. You know, when I was 30, people used to wish I was dead to my face. Now that's respect.
- Dean Pelton: You know, we laugh, but the fact is, student-teacher relationships do happen. And they are a magnet for lawsuits, so we do stay vigilant. In fact, physically attractive students and faculty are actually placed on a watch list. And are ranked by their potential to incite fraternization.
- Jeff Winger: You rank people by how hot they are?
- Jeff Winger: Yes, we do... number two.
- Professor Michelle Slater: Dean Pelton?
- Dean Pelton: Yes, Professor Seven... uh, Professor Slater?
- Annie Edison: Before we start, I'd like to have a preliminary pow wow, or prelimiwow, about what I'm calling our library's backdoor conundrum.
- Abed Nadir: Sounds like a porno with Kate Winslet.
- Annie Edison: Abed, ew.
- Britta Perry: [Britta picks a stray hair from Jeff's jacket] Who is the lucky brunette?
- Jeff Winger: Last name Beeswax, first name none-a-ya.
- Pierce Hawthorne: Oh, my third wife was biracial.
- Jeff Winger: Stop it!
- Britta Perry: I am just trying to help keep you out of trouble. What if the next girl saw these?
- Jeff Winger: Well, then she would know it was hers.
- Shirley Bennett: Jeff, you're sleeping with a woman you already slept with?
- Jeff Winger: Can't I be the friend in the group whose trademark is his well-defined boundaries? Like Privacy Smurf, Discreet Bear or... Confidentiality Spice?
- Annie Edison: Why would you keep her a secret? Don't you want us to meet her?
- Jeff Winger: We have an agreement to keep it low-key.
- Pierce Hawthorne: That's ridiculous. Obviously, it's a guy.
- Jeff Winger: You're wrong, Pierce. It's two guys. Sometimes I *do* wish you were dead.
- Pierce Hawthorne: [Gushes] Thank you.
- Annie Edison: Now, if we were to move our meetings to 4:30...
- Troy Barnes, Britta Perry: No.
- Troy Barnes: I have a regular class at that time. It's like math or other regular classes.
- Britta Perry: I have something unimportant that can't ever move.
- Pierce Hawthorne: You know, when I was 30, people used to wish that I was dead to my face! That's called respect.
- Jeff Winger: Professor Slater, quick question.
- Professor Michelle Slater: You know the answer, Mr. Winger. I don't date students, even if you are no longer in my statistics class.
- Jeff Winger: I'm actually kind of seeing someone right now, thank you very much.
- Professor Michelle Slater: Really? How's that going?
- Jeff Winger: Fine for now. She's smart and pretty. But sometimes I feel like she's just waiting for me to stop talking and take off my pants.
- Professor Michelle Slater: [Door slams shut] She is.
- Jeff Winger: I've never been someone's dirty little secret.
- Professor Michelle Slater: I've never had a dirty little secret. It's so unprofessional. But the sneaking does make the sex 38% hotter.
- Jeff Winger: Wow, you do like statistics, don't you?
- [Knock at the door]
- Jeff Winger: [Jeff and Michelle break their embrace, separate, Dean Pelton barges in] Hey, midterms and whatever.
- Professor Michelle Slater: Chalk.
- Dean Pelton: Professor Slater, there's that transcript you wanted. Jeff, I didn't expect to see you here
- [lasciviously]
- Dean Pelton: Hopefully, I'm not... interrupting.
- [uncomfortable laugher]
- Dean Pelton: You know, we laugh... but, the fact is, student/teacher relationships do happen, and they are a magnet for lawsuits. So we do stay vigilant. In fact, physically attractive students and faculty are actually placed on a watch list and are ranked by their potential to incite fraternization.
- Jeff Winger: You rank people by how hot they are?
- Dean Pelton: [lasciviously] You got it... number two.
- Professor Michelle Slater: Dean Pelton.
- Dean Pelton: Yes, Professor Seven... Uh, Slater.
- Professor Michelle Slater: I'll return this tomorrow.
- Dean Pelton: Okay, then. You guys be extra careful now. Two people of your rankings in this small a room... with this type of lighting and his upper body and what her heels and hemline are doing to enhance what were already quite a few favors from God... it's all the more important to keep it tasteful.
- [laughs, Jeff and Michelle display looks of disgust]
- Professor Michelle Slater: [Door closes, Jeff and Michelle embrace] I think he might have ruined...
- Jeff Winger: It's dead.
- Professor Michelle Slater: Mr. Winger. Would you come to my office? We never finished our intercourse.
- Jeff Winger: I have study group right now, and nobody uses intercourse to mean anything other than sex.
- [Michelle chuckles lewdly]
- Dean Pelton: Would you describe yourself as boyfriend and girlfriend?
- Professor Michelle Slater: Yes.
- Jeff Winger: Eh...
- Professor Michelle Slater: What?
- Dean Pelton: Oh, boy.
- Jeff Winger: It's semantics, really, isn't it?
- Professor Michelle Slater: [laughs] We've slept together every night for the last three weeks. How would you describe me?
- Jeff Winger: [emphatically] The best friend ever!
- Britta Perry: [surprised] Flowers.
- Jeff Winger: Yeah. Is that... that's what people do, right? I was gonna throw them up on stage, but I thought they might catch fire.
- Britta Perry: No, this is... this is good. You can hand them to me. Thank you.
- Jeff Winger: You all remember Michelle Slater, my professor from last semester? As most of you may realize by now, she's the woman I've been seeing lately.
- Professor Michelle Slater: Why are they looking at me like I'm a zoo animal?
- Abed Nadir: Well, Jeff acts as sort of the dad of the group, so emotionally this is kind of like being told that you're our new mom.
- Professor Michelle Slater: But you know it's nothing like that, right?
- Abed Nadir: Absolutely. Do you cook macaroni?
- Professor Michelle Slater: I have.
- Abed Nadir: Macaroni's my favorite.
- Jeff Winger: The important thing is we all understand Professor Slater and I need this to be our little secret. Everyone understand that?
- Abed Nadir, Britta Perry, Annie Edison, Shirley Bennett, Troy Barnes, Pierce Hawthorne: Yeah. Yes. I do like macaroni.
- [overlapping agreement]
- Abed Nadir, Britta Perry, Annie Edison, Shirley Bennett, Troy Barnes, Pierce Hawthorne: Sure.
- [overlapping chatter]
- Jeff Winger: See? All good.
- Professor Michelle Slater: Well, thank you, everyone. I appreciate it. I should get going.
- [Michelle leans in to give Jeff a kiss]
- Abed Nadir, Britta Perry, Annie Edison, Shirley Bennett, Troy Barnes, Pierce Hawthorne: Ooh! Ooh...
- [Michelle stops, she and Jeff turn to look incredulously at the group, Michelle offers to shake Jeff's hand]
- Professor Michelle Slater: Bye.
- Abed Nadir: Bye.
- Professor Michelle Slater: ...or that blonde in your Spanish class with the infinite supply of leather jackets...