- Penny: You actually put that in an agreement!
- Leonard Hofstadter: Uh, yeah. We also put in what happens if one of us wins a MacArthur Grant, or if one of us gets superpowers, of if one of us is bitten by a zombie.
- Sheldon Cooper: He can't kill me even if I turn.
- Penny: Is there anything in there about if one of you gets a girlfriend?
- Sheldon Cooper: No, that seemed a little far-fetched.
- Sheldon Cooper: I've been dreaming about going to the Large Hadron Collider since I was nine years old.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Yeah? Well, I've been dreaming about spending Valentine's Day with a girl since I was six.
- Sheldon Cooper: Shame on you! That's no dream for a scientist!
- Leonard Hofstadter: I know what'll cheer you up; let's play one of your driving games.
- Sheldon Cooper: All right. This game is called 'Traitors'. I will name three historical figures; you put them in order of the heinousness of their betrayal. Benedict Arnold, Judas, Doctor Leonard Hofstadter.
- Leonard Hofstadter: You really think I belong with Benedict Arnold and Judas?
- Sheldon Cooper: You're right; Judas had the decency to hang himself after what he did.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Come on, what would you guys do if you were me?
- Howard Wolowitz: I'd take Sheldon to Switzerland.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Seriouly?
- Howard Wolowitz: Absolutely. And I'd leave him there.
- [last lines]
- Raj Koothrappali: Oh my goodness, look at this room.
- [gasps]
- Raj Koothrappali: Champagne! Roses! Oh, and little chocolates! This is going to be the best Valentine's day ever.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Yeah, I forgot about all this.
- Raj Koothrappali: But I never will.
- Leonard Hofstadter: [awoken by sounds of Penny vomiting] What's going on?
- Penny: [sarcastic] I'm having a tea party. What do you think's going on?
- [sounds of Penny hocking up phlegm]
- Penny: I think I might have the flu.
- [sounds of more vomiting]
- Penny: Or the plague.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Well, our plane leaves at 9:00 a.m. Do you think you'll feel better by then?
- Penny: [sounds of more vomiting] Yeah, 'cause I'm gonna be dead!
- [first lines]
- Howard Wolowitz: [on cellphone] ... Sweetie. Uh, listen, I need to go, but I'll see you tonight? Bye-bye. Bye-bye. B- No, *you* hang up first. Hello?
- Raj Koothrappali: Dude, I'm glad you finally got a girlfriend, but do you *have* to do that lovey-dovey stuff in front of those of us who don't?
- Sheldon Cooper: Actually, he might have to. There's an economic concept known as a positional good, in which an object is only valued by the possessor because it's not possessed by others. The term was coined in 1976 by economist Fred Hirsch to replace the more colloquial but less precise "neener-neener".
- Sheldon Cooper: Round two: Leonard Hofstadter, Darth Vader, Rupert Murdoch.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Rupert Murdoch?
- Sheldon Cooper: He owns Fox and they cancelled Firefly. Hint: he and Darth Vader are tied for number two.
- Sheldon Cooper: [Sheldon and Penny both have the flu] I just don't understand how this happened to me. I'm scrupulous about my hygiene, I regularly disinfect my hands, and I avoid contact with other people on general principle.
- Penny: I don't know what to tell you, Sheldon.
- [Sheldon remembers when he hugged Penny]
- Sheldon Cooper: It's *you*! I touched *you*!
- Penny: Happy Valentine's day.
- Howard Wolowitz: Sorry I couldn't hang with you last night; I had a date with Bernadette.
- Raj Koothrappali: I know. I saw the tweet.
- [Sheldon places a tray of cutlery in front of Leonard and leaves]
- Raj Koothrappali: What the hell is that?
- Leonard Hofstadter: Uh, let's see... Yeah, thirty pieces of silverware.
- Sheldon Cooper: Hello.
- Penny: Hello.
- Sheldon Cooper: All right, let's dispense with the friendly banter. I believe you know why I'm here.
- Penny: Well, I always figured it was to study us, discover our weaknesses and report back to your alien overlords.
- Sheldon Cooper: Given that Saint Valentine was a third century Roman priest who was stoned and beheaded, wouldn't a more appropriate celebration of the evening be taking one's steady gal to witness a brutal murder?
- Penny: Okay, what's the big surprise?
- Leonard Hofstadter: Just a minute. This tray contains clues as to what you and I are going to be doing on Valentine's Day.
- Penny: Oh. Wow. Okay. Let's see. We've got, uh, milk chocolate, Swiss cheese, fondue... My lactose-intolerant boyfriend is going to eat all this, then I'm going to climb on his back and rocket to the moon?
- Leonard Hofstadter: No. But it does involve air travel. Okay, um, let me slice this *Swiss* cheese with my *Swiss* army knife, and then *you* can wash it down with a cup of *Swiss* Miss instant cocoa.
- Penny: Okay, I'm starting to think Swiss is key here.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Uh-huh.
- Penny: We're going to Disneyland and ride the Matterhorn.
- Leonard Hofstadter: How does that involve air travel?
- Penny: We're going to Disney *World* and ride the Matterhorn!
- Leonard Hofstadter: No.
- Penny: Okay. Sweetie, this started out fun, but I'm over it.
- Leonard Hofstadter: We're going to Switzerland to see the CERN supercollider!
- [Penny looks at him blankly]
- Leonard Hofstadter: And ski. We'll also go skiing.
- Penny: We're going skiing in Switzerland?
- Leonard Hofstadter: Well, you'll ski, I'll fall, but, yeah, we will be in Switzerland for Valentine's Day.
- Penny: Oh, my God! Leonard, that's incredible!
- Sheldon Cooper: Since I rarely hug, I am relying on your expertise regarding duration.
- Penny: I think we're there.
- Sheldon Cooper: Help me out. Which ski hat says, "Après Super Collider"?
- Leonard Hofstadter: Sheldon, I'm not taking you to Switzerland.
- Sheldon Cooper: Well, of course you are. Who else would you take?
- Leonard Hofstadter: Penny.
- Sheldon Cooper: What? That's absurd. Penny has no interest in subatomic particle research.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Yes, but it'll be Valentine's Day. We can go sightseeing and skiing and make love in front of a roaring fire in the shadow of the snow-capped Alps.
- Sheldon Cooper: But Penny has no interest in subatomic particle research!
- Leonard Hofstadter: I'm sorry, Sheldon.
- Sheldon Cooper: Sorry? I've been dreaming about going to the Large Hadron Collider since I was 9 years old.
- Leonard Hofstadter: I've been dreaming about spending Valentine's with a girl since I was 6.
- Sheldon Cooper: Shame on you. That's no dream for a scientist.
- Raj Koothrappali: Even though I don't have a girlfriend, I can still have a good time on Valentine's.
- Howard Wolowitz: Trust me, you can't. I've tried.
- Raj Koothrappali: No, no, no. I'm gonna have a "me" day. I'm gonna go to one of those spas in Koreatown, take a steam, get a massage. Then I'm gonna stop at a pet store and get licked by puppies.
- Sheldon Cooper: I made you breakfast. Juice, coffee, and pancakes in the shape of some of your favorite fictional characters. See, here's Frodo.
- Leonard Hofstadter: You made Frodo pancakes?
- Sheldon Cooper: Yeah, I used coconut shavings to do the hair on his feet.