The Big Bang Theory (TV Series)

The Pants Alternative (2010)

Jim Parsons: Sheldon Cooper

Photos 

Quotes 

• Penny : So, whadda ya say, Sheldon, are we your X-Men?

  Sheldon : No, the X-Men were named for the X in Charles Xavier. Since I am Sheldon Cooper, you will be my C-Men.

• Sheldon : Why did the chicken cross the Mobius strip? To get to the same side. BAZINGA!

• Sheldon : Problem.

  Leonard : What?

  Sheldon : They expect me to give a speech at the banquet. I can't give a speech.

  Howard Wolowitz : No, you're mistaken. You give speeches all the time. What you can't do is shut up.

  Raj Koothrappali : Yeah, before the movie you did 20 minutes on why guacamole turns brown. It turned brown while you were talking.

• Raj Koothrappali : OK, Sheldon, I'm going to be leading you through a series of meditation exercises. These methods come from the ancient gurus of India and have helped me overcome my own fears.

  Sheldon : And yet you can't speak to women.

  Raj Koothrappali : True, but thanks to meditation I'm able to stay in the same room with them without urinating.

• [last lines] 

  Sheldon : [watching his speech on Youtube]  Oh, Lord! This couldn't be any more humiliating.

  Leonard : Aah, give it a minute.

  Sheldon : [on Youtube]  Now, for the astronomers in the audience, get ready to see the dark side of the moon. And here's Uranus.

• Leonard : Hey, Sheldon, I was up in the Administration Office, and I happened to overhear the name of the winner of this year's Chancellor's Award for Science.

  Sheldon : And you want to rub my nose in the fact that my contributions are being overlooked again. I'm the William Shatner of theoretical physics. All right, I'll play. What self-important, preening *fraud* are they honoring this year?

  Leonard : Well, I'm so glad you asked it like that: You.

• Leonard Hofstadter : Sheldon, you're being ridiculous.

  Sheldon Cooper : Am I? Let me tell you a story.

  Howard Wolowitz : [to himself]  Where's 70 children when you need them?

  Sheldon Cooper : I was 14 and graduating summa cum laude from college. Summa cum laude is Latin for with highest honors.

  Penny : I just love how you always skip over the part where no one asks.

• Sheldon : I'm perfectly comfortable speaking to small groups. I cannot speak to large crowds.

  Howard Wolowitz : What to you is a large crowd?

  Sheldon : Any group big enough to trample me to death. General rule of thumb is 36 adults or 70 children.

• Sheldon : I question your premise. How is a new suit going to prevent me from passing out in front of a ballroom full of people?

  Penny : It'll give you confidence. You know, sometimes when I'm feeling all stressed out about something, I go out and buy a cute top or a fun skirt, and I have a whole new outlook on life.

  Sheldon : Don't you eventually realize you're just the same stressed-out person in a cute top or a fun skirt?

  Penny : Yep, that's when I buy shoes.

• Leonard : So, Sheldon. How ya doing?

  Sheldon : That's how you start a psychotherapy session. How am I doing? I was promised a riverboat journey into the jungles of my subconscious. Instead I get the same question I hear from the lady who slices my baloney at Ralph's.

• Sheldon : Would it be helpful to you if I told you about my dreams?

  Leonard : Um; I don't know, maybe.

  Sheldon : I recently had a dream that I was a giant, but everything around me was to scale, so it all looked normal.

  Leonard : How did you know you were a giant, if everything was to scale?

  Sheldon : I was wearing size a million pants.

• Sheldon : A neutron walks into a bar and asks, "How much for a drink?" The bartender says, "For you, no charge."

• Sheldon : A Godzilla-like monster is approaching the city. I have to get my people to safety. People of Sheldonopolis, this is your mayor. Follow me. If the children can't run, leave them behind. Oh, the simulated horror!

  [Door slams] 

  Sheldon : Raj? Just as I suspected. Meditation is nothing but hokum.

• Leonard : I thought I could try to analyze you and get to the root of your anxiety.

  Sheldon : What qualifies you to attempt to understand my mind?

  Leonard : My mother is a highly regarded psychiatrist, and I've been in therapy ever since she accused me of breast feeding co-dependently.

• Raj Koothrappali : Okay, Sheldon, I'm going to be leading you through a series of meditation exercises. These methods come from the ancient gurus of India and have helped me overcome my own fears.

  Sheldon : And yet you can't speak to women.

  Raj Koothrappali : But thanks to meditation I'm able to stay in the same room with them without urinating. Now, ahem, close your eyes.

  Sheldon : Okay, but don't punch me... When I was little my sister would say: "Close your eyes, you'll get a surprise." And then she'd punch me.

  Raj Koothrappali : I'm not going to punch you.

  Sheldon : That's what my sister used to say.

• Sheldon Cooper : Penny, Leonard, would you be able to answer some questions I'm having about the events of last night?

  Penny : Sure.

  Sheldon Cooper : Question 1: Where are my pants?

• Sheldon : Hello? I know you're out there. I can hear you metabolising oxygen and expelling carbon dioxide!

• Sheldon : I am the William Shatner of theoretical physics.