- Michael Scott: If I had a gun with two bullets, and I was in a room with Hitler, bin-Laden, and Toby, I would shoot Toby twice.
- Michael Scott: [Speaking to Toby] You tell me that radon is silent but deadly and expect me not to make farting noises?
- Dwight Schrute: [about their agreement] But not in your bed. It's lumpy.
- Angela Martin: Those lumps are cats, and those cats have names. And those names are Amber, Milky Way, Diane, and Lumpy.
- Creed Bratton: Uh, boss, we're out of paper.
- Michael Scott: Yeah, I noticed that.
- Creed Bratton: Uh, can you add anymore?
- Michael Scott: Nope.
- Creed Bratton: He don't give an f about nothing!
- Michael Scott: I have got big balls.
- Dwight Schrute: I don't have $30,000 lying around. I have it buried very deeply, and I don't want to dig past a certain someone to get it.
- Michael Scott: I like Donna. Is it wrong to keep seeing her? Depends on who you ask. I mean, if you ask her husband or you took a random poll, yeah, it's wrong.
- Andy Bernard: In any cheating movie, the person getting cheated on is the hero. You're Ali Larter, I'm Beyoncé.
- Michael Scott: I am Beyoncé always.
- Andy Bernard: Not this time.
- Michael Scott: Yes, I am.
- Michael Scott: People, this is Scranton, and many people consider that to be the Paris of northeastern Pennsylvania. And in Paris, it is rude for a woman to have less than four lovers.
- Pam Beesly: Michael Scott, are you still seeing Donna?
- Michael Scott: Okay, Pam, she's not invisible, so stop asking silly questions.
- Michael Scott: I can't wait to see this jerk who is making me cheat on his wife. I should punch him in the nose for what he's making me do to her.
- Michael Scott: How do I feel about breaking up with Donna? Good. Moral. I feel proud. Like a grownup. That was not easy, because I really liked her a lot. I'm a little bit emotional right now because I know that I absolutely made the right decision. At the end of the day, we have to do what's right. And it was either living with myself... or being happy. And I picked... the...
- [Thinks it through]
- Michael Scott: ... former.
- Lawyer: I don't follow this exactly. Uh, "The Descendants of any replicants from this union shall have..."
- Dwight Schrute, Angela Martin: Joint custody.
- Lawyer: Are we talking about your grandchildren?
- Angela Martin: No.
- Dwight Schrute: No.
- Pam Beesly: Hey, Michael.
- Michael Scott: Hey.
- Pam Beesly: We were wondering if you'd like to have dinner with us tonight in our home and play with our baby.
- Jim Halpert: We could order in from Hooters.