- Mitchell Pritchett: People can surprise you. You get used to thinking of them one way, stuck in their roles. They are what they are. And then they do something that shows you there's all this depth and dimension that you never knew existed.
- Cameron Tucker: Are you talking about Rob Lowe?
- Mitchell Pritchett: I'm just saying he's a very versatile actor. I think his good looks have actually held him back.
- Cameron Tucker: Well, I can relate to that.
- Haley Dunphy: [Half asleep] Hello?
- Dylan: Please tell me you have my shoes.
- Haley Dunphy: Why would I have your shoes?
- Dylan: Because I left them at your uncles's house last night.
- Haley Dunphy: [Fully awake] What? How could you leave without your shoes?
- Dylan: I go a lot of places without shoes. I'm not wearing shoes right now. Oh, wait... that's 'cause I left them at your uncles's house.
- Haley Dunphy: This is a disaster!
- Dylan: Maybe they'll think they're theirs.
- Haley Dunphy: They're gay! They know what shoes they own!
- Jay Pritchett: [Sitting with Mitchell's gay friends] So what does a guy gotta do to get a drink around here?
- Mitchell Pritchett: Nobody say anything.
- Mitchell Pritchett: Saturday night we're having dinner with Pepper, Longines and Crispin.
- Cameron Tucker: They're our gay friends.
- Mitchell Pritchett: I think that was clear. I've been spending a lot of time with a lot of straight people lately, and darlin', I need a night with my homeys.
- Cameron Tucker: You mean your homos.
- [Giggles]
- Mitchell Pritchett: Yeah. You know what? Maybe you should stay in and babysit.
- Manny Delgado: Whoa, whoa, whoa! What is this? Where's my soft-boiled egg?
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: I scrambled it. It's good for you to try new things.
- Manny Delgado: I don't want to try new things. You can't just spring this on me.
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: I have bad news, Manny. This is not the biggest curveball that life is going to throw at you.
- Jay Pritchett: Buddy, don't close yourself off from new things. I ever tell you the story about me and crab cakes? Thought I didn't like them, tried them, loved them.
- Manny Delgado: Wow. Are the movie rights available for that one?
- Mitchell Pritchett: Hey, Haley.
- Haley Dunphy: Oh, hey, Uncle Mitchell.
- Mitchell Pritchett: Hey, is your mom home?
- Haley Dunphy: No. She had to take Alex to the oncologist.
- Mitchell Pritchett: Oh, my God. What's wrong?
- Haley Dunphy: She needed new glasses.
- Mitchell Pritchett: Oh. Did you mean the optometrist?
- Haley Dunphy: Whatever.
- Claire Dunphy: We're doing the right thing.
- Phil Dunphy: Absolutely.
- [pause]
- Phil Dunphy: Aren't we?
- Claire Dunphy: I don't know... I mean, he makes a point. We don't know the man. And little kids can be friends with old people, right?
- Phil Dunphy: Of course they can. There's tons of examples: Up, um, Gran Torino, True Grit.
- Claire Dunphy: Cartoon, kills himself, she loses an arm. We've gotta go talk to that guy.
- Jay Pritchett: I'm old enough to know what I like and what I don't like.
- Manny Delgado: What about the crab cakes?
- Jay Pritchett: That was a fluke. And I can't slather that boring music in tartar sauce.
- Claire Dunphy: If Hannibal Lecter and Freddy Kruger had a love child, he would be afraid of our next door neighbor.
- Phil Dunphy: I don't have a mean thing to say about anyone, but Mr. Kleezak is... not a nice person.
- Claire Dunphy: Easy, honey.
- Mitchell Pritchett: When I was 12 years old, my father walked into by bedroom and caught me doing the most embarrassing thing that a boy can do - dancing to Madonna's 'Lucky Star'.
- Luke Dunphy: Heh, boys rule and girls drool.
- Alex Dunphy: You drool all the time. Mom had to take you to a specialist.
- Luke Dunphy: I'm still growing into my tongue.
- Jay Pritchett: I'm gonna walk like a man, fast as I can, to that bar over there. And if you knew Frankie Valli, you'd be cracking up right now.
- Cameron Tucker: What are you thinking? Haley is a very sweet and fashionable girl, but seems hardly a responsible caregiver!
- Mitchell Pritchett: Well, you know what? We needed a sitter. She's family. I say we give her a shot.
- Cameron Tucker: A shot. Oh, with our only child. Sure, why not? If something goes wrong, we'll just pop over to the Orient, grab another one!
- Cameron Tucker: Ah shot? With our only child. Sure, why not? If something goes wrong, we'll just pop over to the Oriënt and grab another one