- Luke Dunphy: You know, more people have died hiking than in the entire Civil War.
- Alex Dunphy: Okay, what book did you read that in?
- Luke Dunphy: Book? Wake up and smell the internet, grandma.
- Jay Pritchett: What the hell are those?
- Phil Dunphy: Onion goggles. No more tears when I cook. Welcome to the 21st Century. You should get a pair.
- Jay Pritchett: I was gonna suggest the same thing.
- Haley Dunphy: I'm so bored, I'd rather be reading.
- Alex Dunphy: I'm so bored, I chewed the last bug that flew in my mouth just to feel something.
- Haley Dunphy: I'm so bored, I'm talking to you.
- Claire Dunphy: Okay, I don't want you to judge me, but I have to say something. Sometimes, I wanna punch my kids.
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: You don't mean that.
- Claire Dunphy: No, I do. I do. The last time they were horrible the way they were today, they happened to be all lined up, and I couldn't help but think if I hit just one of 'em, the rest would go down like dominoes.
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Geez.
- Claire Dunphy: I know. That would rob me of the pleasure of hitting each one individually, but...
- Claire Dunphy: How was your day with my dad?
- Phil Dunphy: Awkward, actually. He, um... he cried a little.
- Claire Dunphy: My dad?
- Phil Dunphy: Shh!
- Mitchell Pritchett: Dad what?
- Claire Dunphy: He cried.
- Phil Dunphy: No, I didn't say he cried!
- Cameron Tucker: Who cried?
- Mitchell Pritchett: My dad.
- Phil Dunphy: Stop!
- Cameron Tucker: Why would you make Jay sob like that?
- Phil Dunphy: I didn't make him sob! He teared up when I found this poem he wrote for his mom as a boy.
- Claire Dunphy, Mitchell Pritchett, Cameron Tucker: Aw!
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: [entering] What is "aw"?
- Mitchell Pritchett: Phil saw Dad cry.
- Cameron Tucker: Jay misses his mama.
- Phil Dunphy: Everybody stop!
- Jay Pritchett: [entering] Is anybody hungry?
- [seeing everybody looking at him weirdly]
- Jay Pritchett: What?
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: You cried for your mommy.
- Jay Pritchett: Oh, crap. I did not.
- Cameron Tucker: There's nothing gays hate more than when people ...
- Cameron Tucker, Mitchell Pritchett: Treat us like women.
- Cameron Tucker: We're not. We don't want to go to your baby shower; we don't have a time of the month; we don't love pink.
- Mitchell Pritchett: You love pink.
- Cameron Tucker: No, pink loves me.
- Luke Dunphy: I say we eat what we kill.
- Manny Delgado: Oh, then I guess we'll be eating the mood.
- Luke Dunphy: I don't get you at all.
- Manny Delgado: [Dejected] I know.
- Cameron Tucker: Look at us; I could snap you like a twig.
- Mitchell Pritchett: Okay, every once in awhile, you say that thing about the twig, and I need you to know that it bothers me.